Quite a day I've had, failing an attempt that is probably my last chance in a long time

[OneOneOne]

Deleted most because it was too long. Basically I tried to do partial suspension but backed out when I started feeling light headed. I was mostly just testing it to see if it was going to work, so I didn't really mentally prepare for going through with it. But then when I started to feel like I was about to pass out I pulled back immediately and then couldn't work up the guts to try again. Now I will probably not have another chance for a long time possibly. I'd be willing to go on medication at this point just so that people would not have that obvious thing to say when I'm visibly feeling down, and so people could say we 'tried everything' before I eventually cbt. But I'm afraid to go to a psychiatrist because I bet they would lock me up eventually if I couldn't lie convincingly about my constant ideation. Just gotta hope that life will give me another chance to cbt at some point, even though it looks unlikely.

 

[cami]

hey lovely. im sorry things didn't go the way you planned. just a reminder that if you do go on meds, its okay if they don't work. these things aren't an easy science, sometimes its a guess and check. i doubt the psychiatrist would lock you up, but i guess it depends on your countries rules. personally my therapist and psych are aware of my constant ideation and the only time they have been the ones to lock me up were when i said i was going to attempt again after the appointment (imminent danger). either way, much love and please stay safe. my pms are open <3

 

[EternalShore]

it was just supposed to be a test anyways~ hehe~
It's really unfortunate you won't be able to try again for a while [I can't rn either :(], but you'll be able to try if to you still wish later.
Anyways, I hope your failure was a blessing from God and your life starts to turn itself around again! :D ofc, maybe it won't as mine never seems to, but it'd be nice~ hehe~

 

[Lucilius]

Deleted most because it was too long. Basically I tried to do partial suspension but backed out when I started feeling light headed. I was mostly just testing it to see if it was going to work, so I didn't really mentally prepare for going through with it. But then when I started to feel like I was about to pass out I pulled back immediately and then couldn't work up the guts to try again. Now I will probably not have another chance for a long time possibly. I'd be willing to go on medication at this point just so that people would not have that obvious thing to say when I'm visibly feeling down, and so people could say we 'tried everything' before I eventually cbt. But I'm afraid to go to a psychiatrist because I bet they would lock me up eventually if I couldn't lie convincingly about my constant ideation. Just gotta hope that life will give me another chance to cbt at some point, even though it looks unlikely.

Any lie will be convincing enough, don't worry. The shrink is not some well-meaning detective of the mind with some sort of genuine concern about you. They care about money and potential liability. As long as you do not say anything that would make them liable in case you actually kill yourself everything will be fine.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Failed attempts are a frustrating and painful experience. But probably your are not really ready for CTB yet as you said "didn't really mentally prepare for going through with it". That's fine! To overcome SI is such a difficult task. When you are really ready for it and it is your true wish it will work for you one day! I wish you all the best!

 

[OneOneOne]

Thanks for your replies guys. Ok this is going to sound really stupid (because I'm bipolar) but I actually feel really hopeful all of a sudden. This is the most serious attempt I've ever done and by far the closest I got. But when I failed and realized I wouldn't have another chance, I think my brain just wanted to stop suffering so it started to entertain positive thoughts again. But then my sister got home and she had an amazing time where she was and was telling me all about it really excitedly with no idea what had happened lol. But the weird thing is that it was really good to have a long conversation with her about nothing important because it made me remember something that is so obvious and I knew before... but the point of talking to people is not about the content of the conversation but its about being in the flow of listening to people. I have super bad add so I miss out on like over half of what people say in some conversations as I'm so lost in my thoughts. But this time I tried super hard to focus and was able to hold the conversation. And I felt really good and felt hopeful that I can enjoy hanging out with people again. Of course I have bipolar so this good feeling has that stipulation, but honestly this social issue is one of my biggest hopeless thoughts, so feeling like I can improve my attention and get back in flow with conversations in really hopeful for me. So yeah, all of a sudden I'm glad I didn't succeed and now I really want to make an effort to stop ignoring my friends for so many months.

 

[EternalShore]

awww~ That sounds really wonderful! ^_^ May you be well! :D

 

[OneOneOne]

You too! And thanks again guys, I feel less anxious about the possibility of getting a psychiatrist if it comes to that. Btw, I'm not even sure how to pm people because if I click someone's profile it just says I don't have permission to view the account. Maybe it's because my account was just made?
Gotta head to bed now though, I'll check back tomorrow.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that those who even try to attempt that method are courageous, failing ctb is what I fear and I hate how it's so difficult to die, it really should be easier and I think it makes the hanging method sound much easier than it actually is when you hear of people managing to succeed, I envy them.