Pushing people away and regressing in progress

[catastrophix]

Content warning for venting

For context, I'm bipolar and borderline and I keep getting these awful mood swings throughout the day. I just very recently started talking to a couple people on a daily basis, and I'm already starting to get urges to isolate from them. They didn't do anything wrong, I just don't want to be a burden on anyone. I Started hallucinating again, too. I'm really paranoid— Not sure if I can trust anyone around me. I want to reach out and make more friends at some point, but I just feel like such a freak to everyone around me. I'm feeling all panicky from overthinking and paranoia.

I was feeling really good for a couple days. Best I felt in forever, probably. But now the mood swings are back and so are the psychosis related issues. Just feel like I don't deserve friends or any support. In my eyes, I'm too weird and useless for that. Wish I believed people when they reassure me about stuff.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense btw, I feel like I don't always say coherent things. And sorry for venting in recovery, but I didn't think this would fit the suicide discussion. Been dissociating and forgetting a lot as of late. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this mess of a post T~T I appreciate any kind words or advice or anything :]

 

[Not.Flugel]

I can relate to this so much and thus can't help you at all, sadly.

I always try and expand my contact as much as I can and then start pushing people away and get upset for them not reaching out. I hate it, I hate myself and I hate this cycle. I can't take anyone's words at face value, and neither can I trust anyone to be honest about me, because unless it's completely negative. I am stuck between isolating myself and never wanting to be alone for even a moment. Yesterday I was out drinking with my friends and then left because I didn't feel included enough and walked home drunk af because I was getting suicidal again. I continuously swing between not wanting to be a burden for them and then hating them for not caring enough about me.

Yeah, so sorry for hijacking your post to vent as well, but it's nice to know at least someone can relate. :)

 

[The anhedonic one]

Content warning for venting

For context, I'm bipolar and borderline and I keep getting these awful mood swings throughout the day. I just very recently started talking to a couple people on a daily basis, and I'm already starting to get urges to isolate from them. They didn't do anything wrong, I just don't want to be a burden on anyone. I Started hallucinating again, too. I'm really paranoid— Not sure if I can trust anyone around me. I want to reach out and make more friends at some point, but I just feel like such a freak to everyone around me. I'm feeling all panicky from overthinking and paranoia.

I was feeling really good for a couple days. Best I felt in forever, probably. But now the mood swings are back and so are the psychosis related issues. Just feel like I don't deserve friends or any support. In my eyes, I'm too weird and useless for that. Wish I believed people when they reassure me about stuff.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense btw, I feel like I don't always say coherent things. And sorry for venting in recovery, but I didn't think this would fit the suicide discussion. Been dissociating and forgetting a lot as of late. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this mess of a post T~T I appreciate any kind words or advice or anything :]

What you are saying makes sense. Please don't beat yourself up about this.
Moodswings are terribly annoying. But it isn't your fault, it's just stupid brain chemicals making you believe things that are not true.
I suffer from moodswings on a regular basis. I call it YOYO BRAIN.

I don't let it trick me into thinking that I am a bad person, or that I am not good enough etc.

The brain often lies to us.
I hope you manage to see through these lies too.

 

[Mirrory Me]

The road to healing can sometimes be tortuous and non-linear, the best way to do this is to process childhood memories and feelings. For example, I have a subconscious tendency learned from my youth to make myself small in order not to be a threat to anyone, and so on without people I feel helpless. After becoming aware of / dealing with the issue, the fear has decreased.