Venting PTSD is kicking my ass

[cyanidefries]

//Trigger warning for sexual abuse. Don't read if you are sensitive to that sort of thing. Take care of yourself. </3

I was sexually abused by my father and grandparents for the first 12 years of my life, and I feel like I'm living in hell. Currently, I'm on my period. The sight of blood paired with the intense pain is excruciating for me, because it brings back the worst moments of my life. Honestly, I've been considering starving myself until malnourishment so I no longer have to deal with this on a monthly fucking basis. (Eventual death being a bonus). I am not exactly sure what I'm seeking by posting this. Maybe I want advice, comfort from another human, knowledge that someone else has experienced something similar... I don't know. This is so humiliating for me to share but I need to know that I'm not useless for not being able to cope with basic human functions. I need to know I'm not alone.
:(

 

[RibbonAmia]

Hi , while I've never been SA'd before i am sorry that such a thing happened to you. I am not sure if I am helping much with this, but at least try to have one or a couple of those little saltine crackers, with some water. if you feel better later on then you can eat other things too but ive read that starving yourself to death dosent work all that well so im kind of basing myself off that, so
but you didnt deserve to go through such a thing. you arent useless for not being able to cope with what the body does naturally.
i apologize if this doesn't help much, this is my first post so im a bit new here but i wish you the best of luck!! i believe in you

 

[Pale_Rider]

Mine too. So sick of it.

 

[divinemistress36]

Ptsd sucks so bad. Have you looked into emdr therapy?

 

[wantingdignity]

I'm so sorry you experienced that


While not as severe, I have experienced people doing things to me without my consent. It occurred during my teenage and adult life, so I can't imagine what it's like to experience it from "safe" adults during formative years.


I can relate to feeling off about your body. Maybe even wanting to be the one to hurt it or control it. There's probably a lot of confusion about bodily functions and sexuality. I was very confused when someone groped me as a teenager without my consent. I was really scared, but my body partially responded positively. I did not want it at all, which made it really confusing. I know now that that's normal.


It's hard to learn how to do it, but what your body actually needs is a sense of safety, both internally and externally. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, even from yourself. Repeat that again and again every day until that registers.


What's something that you can do to care for yourself? Maybe chocolates, a shower, or a heating pad?


I know it's easier said than done, but your body has been through so much and deserves love and care

 

[elkheart]

I have awful PMDD and developed endometriosis as a result of what I personally believe is SA trauma. Currently awaiting a hysterectomy and I found out today my surgery just got pushed back again due to my surgeon's office. It's hard for people to understand how distressing having a period can be for multiple reasons, just wanted to pop in and say I see you and you aren't alone in this. Have you been able to explore any other options for amenorrhea than starving/low weight?

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, it certainly is wild what y'all have to go through biologically.

Pikuach nefesh, I'm sort of of the opinion not to mess with endocrinology unless absolutely necessary because it is just *so* fiddly, but as this sounds like a 'necessary,' there's common enough forms of birth control that can stop the cycle, and as to how healthy that is and what the tradeoffs are you'll have to find a specialist, but I've only run into the 'this is the best thing since sliced bread' types. And maybe a few folks who got epileptic from birth control generally, so YMMV and try to figure out if anyone knows what they're talking about anymore.

As much as this is not a personal concern, my awareness is there are regimens that can utterly stop the cycle and then the question is whether going through it once or twice a year is necessary, like a more painful version of whether guys should practice complete abstinence or worry about how often to drop a load for prostate health. (That is, I would extremely doubt the sensations are similar for obvious reasons but the question is how often to let tissue turn over, slough etc. as far as things like cancer risk, and that's well above my pay grade even when it's not Shabbos.)

 

[cyanidefries]

Ptsd sucks so bad. Have you looked into emdr therapy?

I have not. Aside from medication (that I rarely take anymore) I have a bit of an aversion to professional help. I am not sure why. I'll look into it, though :)