Venting ptsd has made my life miserable

[autumn68]

in 2023 my girlfriend and i were held at gunpoint by a group of men. we both survived but ever since it feels like i may as well have just died. it's coming up on 2 years and i am still constantly on edge even in my own home. i can barely sleep, going outside is miserable, and i need to be drunk or high to get through most nights. every little noise gives me heart palpitations and i constantly feel like something horrible is about to happen. i wish i could just go to sleep and not wake up, i'm so tired of everything. somehow she seems fine, like its just a story to tell people now. it's made our relationship horribly one sided. i've been unable to work and she has had to support me, and only recently have i been able to find the energy to try and get my life back on track (sure doesn't seem to be helping me mentally though lol). i know if i ctb it will ruin her, so i'm just stuck for now. i've never been able to convey to anyone how much it affects me, they just assume i'm dramatic and inflicting misery on myself for attention. i miss when i was happy. i hate that they took my life from me.

 

[pinstripe]

Ptsd survivor here.

I was assaulted by people in a truck who drove circles around me and he me over the head with a glass bottle. I thought I was going to die. Weirdly enough that experience made me hate myself more than the people who assaulted me.

It affected me for years and I hated everything around me. Just this last February I was robbed at knife point and I just walked straight through them like I didn't even care. It hasn't had any lingering effects.

Part of it is that I'm already half past done with life but another part of it but another part is having already been through violence it was already something I lived with so it didn't matter.

You aren't stronger for being assaulted. You are simply more equipped for understanding what it feels like if it happens... And in my experience there isn't any further despair to be felt. And that knowledge reduced the pains and effects of the experiences all together.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Same. ptsd lead to to my first attempted ctb, and others before I was finally diagnosed. I had no idea it was there, and a thing. I had just buried the events that caused it. and again had no clue why I was so miserable, and changed so much. People noted that I was different, but none were friends, and chose to discard me as a person. Today it its still there, but at least I have awareness even though there is seemingly nothing I can do about it.