Venting PSH practise

[blackorchid]

yesterday, I decided to try the materials I bought to ctb and make a test. I would be alone for a couple of hours so it was safe to give it a go. there's a handrail to which I passed the rope through and then tied a noose. then slid my head inside, and held the rest of the other end with my hands.

I played around with the positioning of the noose around my neck, and eventually just let myself down to put the pressure on.

I foud the damn sweet spot.

It's really scary how shit can be over in a couple of seconds. I finally experienced the loss of sight and a complete sensation of numbness in my body. everything around me seemed to be slowing down, and I might have been there for 10 seconds before letting go of the rope. I guess it's not until you restore the oxygen supply that you realize what happened, but I freaked the fuck out. i fell down when I was about to pass out, and it took me couple of seconds to realize where I was and what had just happened. light headedness, couldn't keep standing.

it's such an euphoric state... which I kind of long for. did a couple more tries, and went in between the numbness and the bloating head feeling. I also might have missplaced the rope a fair couple of times, so now i'm left with a sore throath and a massive headache. I then ended up calling a SaSu friend who comforted me because I lost track of time until I found myself crying. SI is such a frustrating obstacle. I did not wanted to die yet, but I can see how it becomes a problem.

the exit is there and it's just a matter of time to gather courage and take it. fucking hell.

 

[blackorchid]

a couple of days ago i had a terrible crisis, had various things pushing me over the edge, and I wanted to try partial hanging again.

I followed the same routine, kneeling in front of the handrail and holding the end of the rope on the other side while the noose was on my neck, except that I located my carotids easier this time around. to be honest, I like the feeling of numbness in the body, so I naturally just did the thing a lot of times util I got scared at about 12 seconds in every time, then I let go of the rope and recover to try again.

then, I listened to my intrusive thoughts and... put my phone to record. if you've ever been to the verge of unciousness with hanging and happen to like it, you'll get me. I just wanted to see how it looked from outside, I guess.

while i was trying to get myselft to stop, doing it over and over gain, I pushed my weight one last time. I must have let myself get lost in my thoughts, because I woke up with my head almost on the floor and what felt coming back to life, I got really scared.

seems it turned out that I did pass out. what I tought was passing out in my previous practise was just light headedness. this time, I can actually see the exact moment I lost conciousness and gave a "last breath", then, my arms started shaking and my body contracted. my head was going lower and the infamous protured mouth appeared. after 20 seconds, I let go of the rope and started mumbling while trying my best to get some air. after a couple of seconds, I come back to myself and noticed what just happened.

I wish I had tied the rope. I wish I didn't let go of that rope. naturally I'm scared, it took me 30 minutes total to get to that point, and just thinking I have to gather courage again makes me feel more miserable. seeing myselft as on every hanging video I've seen was such an odd experience. at least I got to see all the pain and frustration are real though.

 

[CarbonBased]

I tried partial before, but I just couldn't find the right spot, so I gave up that method. Now that I read your experience, I almost wish that I didn't. Maybe I just needed to find 'the right spot' after all.. It seems like you're already very successful with your attempts. There's probably not much point in experimenting at this stage. I worry that you might give yourself some permanent damage without succeeding if you keep it up. I'm very sorry for your experience. I know how it is to be at the end of the rope, and it's far from pleasant.. I hope you'll find a way to be free, whatever that may mean for you

 

[blackorchid]

I tried partial before, but I just couldn't find the right spot, so I gave up that method. Now that I read your experience, I almost wish that I didn't. Maybe I just needed to find 'the right spot' after all.. It seems like you're already very successful with your attempts. There's probably not much point in experimenting at this stage. I worry that you might give yourself some permanent damage without succeeding if you keep it up. I'm very sorry for your experience. I know how it is to be at the end of the rope, and it's far from pleasant.. I hope you'll find a way to be free, whatever that may mean for you

I'm sorry for your experience too, no one should go through this, I guess. I figured it's a matter of applying enough pressure along with some other details. even if you find 'the right spot' but don't do it "correctly", passing out is difficult and takes longer to achieve. thank you for your words, sending you a big hug

 

[blackorchid]

I can't stop doing it ):

 

[nettspend]

I can't stop doing it ):

You will get brain damage if you do this regularly btw.

 

[blackorchid]

You will get brain damage if you do this regularly btw.

does it matter at this point

thanks

 

[nettspend]

does it matter at this point

thanks

At this point? Maybe not. But if you ever seek to recover in the future it would suck to be stuck with a cognitive disability.

My ex taught me to imagine myself when I was a child, and think about how I would treat him. I would not give him brain damage.
Maybe this doesn't make sense, but it helped me a lot with my self harm impulses. Even though I still try and kill myself every now and then lol.

 

[blackorchid]

At this point? Maybe not. But if you ever seek to recover in the future it would suck to be stuck with a cognitive disability.

My ex taught me to imagine myself when I was a child, and think about how I would treat him. I would not give him brain damage.
Maybe this doesn't make sense, but it helped me a lot with my self harm impulses. Even though I still try and kill myself every now and then lol.

that's a tough one. most of my self hatred comes from childhood so I'd probably answer the wrong thing. it's good that you are easy on yourself from time to time.

 

[Steph99]

yesterday, I decided to try the materials I bought to ctb and make a test. I would be alone for a couple of hours so it was safe to give it a go. there's a handrail to which I passed the rope through and then tied a noose. then slid my head inside, and held the rest of the other end with my hands.

I played around with the positioning of the noose around my neck, and eventually just let myself down to put the pressure on.

I foud the damn sweet spot.

It's really scary how shit can be over in a couple of seconds. I finally experienced the loss of sight and a complete sensation of numbness in my body. everything around me seemed to be slowing down, and I might have been there for 10 seconds before letting go of the rope. I guess it's not until you restore the oxygen supply that you realize what happened, but I freaked the fuck out. i fell down when I was about to pass out, and it took me couple of seconds to realize where I was and what had just happened. light headedness, couldn't keep standing.

it's such an euphoric state... which I kind of long for. did a couple more tries, and went in between the numbness and the bloating head feeling. I also might have missplaced the rope a fair couple of times, so now i'm left with a sore throath and a massive headache. I then ended up calling a SaSu friend who comforted me because I lost track of time until I found myself crying. SI is such a frustrating obstacle. I did not wanted to die yet, but I can see how it becomes a problem.

the exit is there and it's just a matter of time to gather courage and take it. fucking hell.

That disassociation is exactly what I experienced when doing a practice run that was seconds away from finishing me. I didn't even know who I was or where I was.

 

[blackorchid]

That disassociation is exactly what I experienced when doing a practice run that was seconds away from finishing me. I didn't even know who I was or where I was.

right? you just loose yourself for a couple of seconds