Venting proving that it hurts

[100memoryleaks]

one of the motivating factors behind my decision to ctb is to leave this world with undeniable, solid proof that I was suffering. as long as I'm alive there's the benefit of the doubt, that it can't have been that bad, that I'll get over it, that I'm just being dramatic, etc.

a couple years ago when my FP was helping me overcome my sh habit, I told him I want the scars as a visual proof of the pain I feel, even if I'm the only one looking at them. but he told me that he has also had many hardships on his life that are invisible now, but he kept going regardless. he's a very strong willed man, I admired him for that.

 

[bagel12]

i completely understand the sentiment of wanting permanent, undeniable proof of suffering, that's part of why i used to sh as well. i wanted others to realize how bad i was suffering and not say i was being dramatic, attention seeking, or making it up. my emotions are so strong compared to other people irl. i feel like sasu is the first place where i found others who feel things as deeply as i do, and who don't tell me i'm overexaggerating or something.

but once you're gone, you won't know how others feel. you can't get the satisfaction of seeing their reaction, or the validation that they recognize how much you were suffering, if you're not alive to see it. just a thought

for what it's worth, i'm really sorry that you're suffering so deeply. you are believed and accepted here at sasu.

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

but once you're gone, you won't know how others feel. you can't get the satisfaction of seeing their reaction, or the validation that they recognize how much you were suffering, if you're not alive to see it. just a thought

Even though this is true, just thinking about it and knowing some people will be affected is enough for me. As fucked as that is to say. I think it's a big motivator for suicide, to show people how much they've hurt you, and in turn hurt them back.

 

[orangecrush]

thats exactly how i feel. the scars are a constant validation that what's going on isn't just in my head. they prove im "sick" enough to need serious help. and then i never show anyone anyways ironically... i guess then it feels good because i feel like i have some control over my situation.
i also feel neglected and ignored by people in my life. i get that desire to hurt them back. honestly that might be one of my biggest reasons to die too.
nobody else understands the pain of trying to hide things like this for everyone else's benefit. we are made to feel like disgusting monsters if we talk about it so obviously we're not going to.
over time that pressure is going to build until it becomes unbearable. the way you feel makes sense to me.
sorry i dont have any advice really just want you to know you arent alone in feeling this way. sending good vibes to u

 

[bagel12]

Even though this is true, just thinking about it and knowing some people will be affected is enough for me. As fucked as that is to say. I think it's a big motivator for suicide, to show people how much they've hurt you, and in turn hurt them back.

thats exactly how i feel. the scars are a constant validation that what's going on isn't just in my head. they prove im "sick" enough to need serious help. and then i never show anyone anyways ironically... i guess then it feels good because i feel like i have some control over my situation.
i also feel neglected and ignored by people in my life. i get that desire to hurt them back. honestly that might be one of my biggest reasons to die too.
nobody else understands the pain of trying to hide things like this for everyone else's benefit. we are made to feel like disgusting monsters if we talk about it so obviously we're not going to.
over time that pressure is going to build until it becomes unbearable. the way you feel makes sense to me.
sorry i dont have any advice really just want you to know you arent alone in feeling this way. sending good vibes to u

i completely get what you both are saying, it kind of feels like revenge, or getting the last word. sometimes it feels like sh or ctb is a way of saying "look how badly you hurt me, now you have to live with it." i wish we lived in a world where people didn't hurt us so badly. like if people just believed our suffering was real, and if our suffering truly mattered to them, i feel like maybe things would be different. i'm so sorry that all of you are going through this, too. it makes me so sad how many people here have this experience. everyone here is so caring, none of us deserve to be going through this

personally i'm way too petty and i need to see people's reaction. as immature and childish as it sounds, i get mad at the thought of people moving on. and what if after i ctb, they publicly pretend like they were amazing people who really cared, and i couldn't set the record straight... i get sooo mad just thinking about it. yeah idk wtf my problem is im kind of a control freak

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

Me too, I have such a picture perfect suburban life I feel like no one will believe me if I say I'm feeling suicidal

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

aye, mate. this is a huge motivator for probably the majority of the people on this site. I've had friends mock me about my condition because they didn't and still don't believe it's serious. nobody ever will, there's just too much taboo around it. monsters, they are. rest of the world. It's a little pocket of kindness and understanding we've all got here. I'm eternally grateful for the people keeping this site up. love and peace, my friend.

 

[orangecrush]

personally i'm way too petty and i need to see people's reaction. as immature and childish as it sounds, i get mad at the thought of people moving on. and what if after i ctb, they publicly pretend like they were amazing people who really cared, and i couldn't set the record straight... i get sooo mad just thinking about it. yeah idk wtf my problem is im kind of a control freak

haha no that makes sense! i have the same fears. i think im just a different flavor of petty.

Me too, I have such a picture perfect suburban life I feel like no one will believe me if I say I'm feeling suicidal

same, friend. it doesn't make it any less real. we don't get to choose what we're afflicted with and i wish people understood that.