Omniscient Chasm
Carnivorous Fish Enthusiast
- Mar 30, 2024
- 9
I've had a multitude of CTB attempts that led to tangible almost deaths.
My miraculous survivals have led me to believe that there is indeed a higher being that finds a quiet entertainment in keeping me alive and not allowing me to slip away.
But despite this frustration, rage, depression, and now ambivalence.
I get discouraged from trying again not because I really care to live, but rather the consequences that will follow if I live.
Some may argue that 'well if you're going to attempt suicide and if you're actually suicidal you wouldn't give a fuck about any of that." and I agree! But unfortunately I have the worst of luck and just seem to survive everything. It's genuinely comical. What other person on this forum has survived suicide by cop? (I don't mean this in a 'oh look at me I'm insane and selfish enough to do this method!') but rather in a 'oh my fucking god I genuinely cannot die' way.
I have a multitude of incredibly concise plans ready to go the minute I feel 'safe' enough to actually go forth with it. But my own brain stops me because of that nagging proven fear I'll survive. I've done my CTB attempts in hidden places, I don't tell anyone and don't even give signs. But some bullshit always happens to where some rando miraculously hears or finds me despite the proper steps being taken. Once more. Comical.
What I want to ask with this incoherent ramble is;
- Do you guys have this issue where you stockpile all these detailed CTB plans that SHOULD work but procrastinate on it?
- What has you procrastinating? Simple little things to look forward to but not viable enough to justify more years? Lack of resources? Suffer from servere ADHD? (This is one of my reasons I struggle sometimes to actually get it going)
My miraculous survivals have led me to believe that there is indeed a higher being that finds a quiet entertainment in keeping me alive and not allowing me to slip away.
But despite this frustration, rage, depression, and now ambivalence.
I get discouraged from trying again not because I really care to live, but rather the consequences that will follow if I live.
Some may argue that 'well if you're going to attempt suicide and if you're actually suicidal you wouldn't give a fuck about any of that." and I agree! But unfortunately I have the worst of luck and just seem to survive everything. It's genuinely comical. What other person on this forum has survived suicide by cop? (I don't mean this in a 'oh look at me I'm insane and selfish enough to do this method!') but rather in a 'oh my fucking god I genuinely cannot die' way.
I have a multitude of incredibly concise plans ready to go the minute I feel 'safe' enough to actually go forth with it. But my own brain stops me because of that nagging proven fear I'll survive. I've done my CTB attempts in hidden places, I don't tell anyone and don't even give signs. But some bullshit always happens to where some rando miraculously hears or finds me despite the proper steps being taken. Once more. Comical.
What I want to ask with this incoherent ramble is;
- Do you guys have this issue where you stockpile all these detailed CTB plans that SHOULD work but procrastinate on it?
- What has you procrastinating? Simple little things to look forward to but not viable enough to justify more years? Lack of resources? Suffer from servere ADHD? (This is one of my reasons I struggle sometimes to actually get it going)
