Processing Shame

[Water-Lily]

On Tuesday, I dealt with a situation regarding a child having a melt down. She was being accused of doing something by another student and reacted. She screamed, said she hated the school and everyone, and left the room. Her para followed her out and consoled her

Afterwards I dealt with the student making the accusations and did my best to resume control in the class

I'm hindsight I could have likely prevented the outburst by acting faster

I found out that the student who stormed out has been in the foster care system her whole life. That she's suffered a lot. And that breaks my heart

The following day, she said she wanted to tell a message to the whole class. I asked her "what do you want to say". The poor girl wanted to apologize for having a melt down

I saw myself in her. Having been abused and adults around me shaming me for my feelings and feeling that I owed an explanation. So I told her "you did nothing wrong. You felt overwhelmed and upset and that's ok. There isn't a need to apologize"

She insisted she did something wrong, but I assured her that it's fine. And instead asked her if she's ok. She said "I feel a bit better today" and I told her that's all that mattered

 

[winamp]

The following day, she said she wanted to tell a message to the whole class. I asked her "what do you want to say". The poor girl wanted to apologize for having a melt down

I saw myself in her. Having been abused and adults around me shaming me for my feelings and feeling that I owed an explanation. So I told her "you did nothing wrong. You felt overwhelmed and upset and that's ok. There isn't a need to apologize"

She insisted she did something wrong, but I assured her that it's fine. And instead asked her if she's ok. She said "I feel a bit better today" and I told her that's all that mattered

I'm glad and appreciate that someone like you exists in a time where teachers either gossip, make fun of students with behavioral or learning issues or disabilities, or even refuse them IEPs or after school tutoring

and a time where school counselors don't do their jobs and sometimes even out information about their students to their abusers

when I was in elementary school and things like that happened teachers wouldn't even talk it out or have a personal time with the student or anything at most they would just send them to the principals office or immediately call their parents rather than attempt to find out what's wrong or use that time to get to know or understand their students on a deeper or personal level

and then they would just comeback as if nothing happened not for the sake of the student and making them feel comfortable and calm after said events but just because they didn't feel like it or either because they did not have any experience or were trained in behavioral stuff

they made it seem like having negative events or emotions were abnormal and you should be punished for them so no one else really behaved that way

edit: if anything that taught me (those teachers in the past) and the people I grew up with that anger and sadness emotions other than contentness or happiness are embarrassing and you should only act they way behind closed doors and just should have a neutral or positive reaction to everything and just shouldn't speak up

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm glad and appreciate that someone like you exists in a time where teachers either gossip, make fun of students with behavioral or learning issues or disabilities, or even refuse them IEPs or after school tutoring

and a time where school counselors don't do their jobs and sometimes even out information about their students to their abusers

when I was in elementary school and things like that happened teachers wouldn't even talk it out or have a personal time with the student or anything at most they would just send them to the principals office or immediately call their parents rather than attempt to find out what's wrong or use that time to get to know or understand their students on a deeper or personal level

and then they would just comeback as if nothing happened not for the sake of the student and making them feel comfortable and calm after said events but just because they didn't feel like it or either because they did not have any experience or were trained in behavioral stuff

they made it seem like having negative events or emotions were abnormal and you should be punished for them so no one else really behaved that way

edit: if anything that taught me (those teachers in the past) and the people I grew up with that anger and sadness emotions other than contentness or happiness are embarrassing and you should only act they way behind closed doors and just should have a neutral or positive reaction to everything and just shouldn't speak up

And the mentality of keeping things behind "closed doors" creates shame. It prevents people from wanting to show up authentically. That in front of people they shouldn't talk about their issues. Of course there is a time and place for everything, but when it comes to children we should cherish and hold space for all their emotions

If not it create a generation of shame that gets passed down

I take into account also that these children have their own battles in their minds and outside of school. And some don't have a healthy or loving home to thrive in

I know what that's like from experience, so maybe I can be that adult for them

 

[Pluto]

I don't have much to add here as you already have ample empathy, genuine care and understanding of how to handle these situations. I used to work with children at one point and I remember going through the same dilemma of wanting to help but having to accept that I could only do my bit, and leave the rest up to the world.

Anyway, I thought I would share an interesting picture that someone I follow posted online.