omgisthatashley
Improving or Improvising?
- Oct 17, 2022
- 18
i told you what i wanted. all i ask is to be touched. to be felt like you want to feel me. i know you arent attracted to me because nobody can be. i just want you to pretend.
i said all of this in no uncertain terms. almost verbatim. and yet again i suck him off and he goes to sleep. he wont touch me because he doesnt want to and he cant look at me because he has to imagine other girls to get off.
he tells me that im pretty and how beautiful i am and yada yada yada. he says it because he knows what ill do if he doesnt. he doesnt want me, he wants to feel good when im here and not feel bad when im gone.
he shouldnt feel bad though. again, its not his fault hes not attracted to me; nobody can be. i confide in him about how every other guy uses me as a hole and nothing else, and he says he understands and cares. he says hes sorry and that i dont deserve to be disrespected like that. then he uses me as a hole and nothing else and acts surprised when i wake up with more scars. but he isnt the problem. i try to explain every time how its not his fault and that he shouldnt feel guilty because this isnt anything new and ive been through this with every guy. he says hes different and he really makes me feel different. sometimes i almost believe him, but only because i want to so desperately.
if i punish myself immediately after this and he finds out then i lose the only thing that makes me smile anymore. but if dont and instead go to sleep after this, then the cycle continues.
i cant stand him lying to me anymore. i used to feel good when he complimented me or even just wanted to kiss me (rare as that may be), but it just isnt the same when i know its not genuine. im constantly lost in his beautiful eyes, but being so means i can see what hes really thinking about when he does those things. its not love, its not passion, its barely even appreciation. its pure lust; and not even for me. he seeks pleasure. preferably from an actually attractive girl, but for the time being I suck it well enough to suffice.
all i want is a reason not to do it, but all he leaves me with are bruises and more reasons why i should.
i said all of this in no uncertain terms. almost verbatim. and yet again i suck him off and he goes to sleep. he wont touch me because he doesnt want to and he cant look at me because he has to imagine other girls to get off.
he tells me that im pretty and how beautiful i am and yada yada yada. he says it because he knows what ill do if he doesnt. he doesnt want me, he wants to feel good when im here and not feel bad when im gone.
he shouldnt feel bad though. again, its not his fault hes not attracted to me; nobody can be. i confide in him about how every other guy uses me as a hole and nothing else, and he says he understands and cares. he says hes sorry and that i dont deserve to be disrespected like that. then he uses me as a hole and nothing else and acts surprised when i wake up with more scars. but he isnt the problem. i try to explain every time how its not his fault and that he shouldnt feel guilty because this isnt anything new and ive been through this with every guy. he says hes different and he really makes me feel different. sometimes i almost believe him, but only because i want to so desperately.
if i punish myself immediately after this and he finds out then i lose the only thing that makes me smile anymore. but if dont and instead go to sleep after this, then the cycle continues.
i cant stand him lying to me anymore. i used to feel good when he complimented me or even just wanted to kiss me (rare as that may be), but it just isnt the same when i know its not genuine. im constantly lost in his beautiful eyes, but being so means i can see what hes really thinking about when he does those things. its not love, its not passion, its barely even appreciation. its pure lust; and not even for me. he seeks pleasure. preferably from an actually attractive girl, but for the time being I suck it well enough to suffice.
all i want is a reason not to do it, but all he leaves me with are bruises and more reasons why i should.
