HI !
I just suscribe on this forum i observe sinds a few months and wanna introduce myself and share my thoughts about this forum and life in general. Firstly, i find this forum very interesting because we can talk about question like " is my life worth living ? " while in our society it's taboo and i think that in some cases, the question is very relevant...
I'm not really a pessimist, more of an optimist but what life got in my way the past years until now was too painful and delusional.
( obsessive and intrusive thoughts, Constant anxiety, loneliness/ social anxiety or alienation, depression). what's fucking ironic is that most of the peoples who knew me consider me like a social, interesting and cool guy. Now i just go away from social life for some reasons even if my social anxiety improved a lot.
Whatever, I recovered for a few months in march last year until september when i stopped my antidepressants i took for 4 years.
Since i stopped them i have constantly the feeling of being attacked in my head, it is like discharge of fear repeating itself the whole day in my head. I feel obstructed by an energy, or a feeling of blockage. It is abstract and impossible to explain correctly. I can't bear it and it led me to stop everythings cause i can't function normally. I never had this before i started to take antidepressants a few years ago. Suicidal thought were rare, now i have theses everydays cause i cannot support these stranges feelings/sensation inside. My days are generally a mix of depressive thoughts and these attacks in my head.
i have no direction anymore and as long as i'm also tormented inside, i can't project myself in anything.
I did a lot of electronic music in past years and it helps me to endure my life. I kinda lost that passion, don't really know why..
Becoming a great artist doesn't motivate me like before. I just want my mental health to recover, so i can restart a life, Enjoy nature, the sun, great peoples, peace of mind..
But even if i heal from all the shit i experience inside i realised that i've never been kind of satisfied in my whole life ( expect when i was a very young child and i wasn't asking myself 10000 questions all the time ), and the feeling of being fullfiled seem almost unattainable. There are always issues, frustration,.. You just start to have new problems or dissatisfaction on another scale. For example, you can be in severe depression and your problem is to have suicidal thoughts each day, it's tiring and you want these thought to disappear. If you go beyond this stage you will have new smaller issues but still issues wich are for example, feeling lonely, or can't find meaning, Or feeling that you are missing something. It seems obvious that the goal of life is to be happy but this is fucking hard. Also it can be exasperating to see some peoples with good mental health and life conditions when you struggle to go out from your bed every morning. The same will tell you "we all go through difficult times or it's a phase". When you're depressed sinds years these are the less therapeutic speech i never heard. I'm sure life can be wonderful, as wonderful as it can be grim.
For some reasons a lot of peoples are in hell on a daily basis and maybe we should be able to shorten the suffering of them.
The thing is that we never know ( except in some case ) if there is still hope for someone to find some meaning and recovery.
So it's tricky, Death allow the end of the suffering ( i imagine, some spirituals will say the opposite ) but prevent any hope of be satisfied to be alive one day and be able ton enjoy it. For people on this place who are despair, how do you know that's fucked up ?
Well, just want to share some thoughts.
I just suscribe on this forum i observe sinds a few months and wanna introduce myself and share my thoughts about this forum and life in general. Firstly, i find this forum very interesting because we can talk about question like " is my life worth living ? " while in our society it's taboo and i think that in some cases, the question is very relevant...
I'm not really a pessimist, more of an optimist but what life got in my way the past years until now was too painful and delusional.
( obsessive and intrusive thoughts, Constant anxiety, loneliness/ social anxiety or alienation, depression). what's fucking ironic is that most of the peoples who knew me consider me like a social, interesting and cool guy. Now i just go away from social life for some reasons even if my social anxiety improved a lot.
Whatever, I recovered for a few months in march last year until september when i stopped my antidepressants i took for 4 years.
Since i stopped them i have constantly the feeling of being attacked in my head, it is like discharge of fear repeating itself the whole day in my head. I feel obstructed by an energy, or a feeling of blockage. It is abstract and impossible to explain correctly. I can't bear it and it led me to stop everythings cause i can't function normally. I never had this before i started to take antidepressants a few years ago. Suicidal thought were rare, now i have theses everydays cause i cannot support these stranges feelings/sensation inside. My days are generally a mix of depressive thoughts and these attacks in my head.
i have no direction anymore and as long as i'm also tormented inside, i can't project myself in anything.
I did a lot of electronic music in past years and it helps me to endure my life. I kinda lost that passion, don't really know why..
Becoming a great artist doesn't motivate me like before. I just want my mental health to recover, so i can restart a life, Enjoy nature, the sun, great peoples, peace of mind..
But even if i heal from all the shit i experience inside i realised that i've never been kind of satisfied in my whole life ( expect when i was a very young child and i wasn't asking myself 10000 questions all the time ), and the feeling of being fullfiled seem almost unattainable. There are always issues, frustration,.. You just start to have new problems or dissatisfaction on another scale. For example, you can be in severe depression and your problem is to have suicidal thoughts each day, it's tiring and you want these thought to disappear. If you go beyond this stage you will have new smaller issues but still issues wich are for example, feeling lonely, or can't find meaning, Or feeling that you are missing something. It seems obvious that the goal of life is to be happy but this is fucking hard. Also it can be exasperating to see some peoples with good mental health and life conditions when you struggle to go out from your bed every morning. The same will tell you "we all go through difficult times or it's a phase". When you're depressed sinds years these are the less therapeutic speech i never heard. I'm sure life can be wonderful, as wonderful as it can be grim.
For some reasons a lot of peoples are in hell on a daily basis and maybe we should be able to shorten the suffering of them.
The thing is that we never know ( except in some case ) if there is still hope for someone to find some meaning and recovery.
So it's tricky, Death allow the end of the suffering ( i imagine, some spirituals will say the opposite ) but prevent any hope of be satisfied to be alive one day and be able ton enjoy it. For people on this place who are despair, how do you know that's fucked up ?
Well, just want to share some thoughts.
