Preparing the kids

[blackwhole]

hello, I'm A SAHM to 2 toddlers. I've been feeling so down for months. I had hoped things would turn around after we moved but I've only gotten lower. I ignore my kids all day while they watch tv I just know they would be better off without me. I can't help but feel that I'm already checked out emotionally and it would be better to be physically gone too. At least someone else could take care of them if I weren't here. I just need to figure out how to make it a little easier for them. There's a sweater I wear all the time that they call my turtle shell, and like to cuddle in it with me. I know they'll use the turtle shell when I'm gone but I feel like I need something else for them too, so they dont fight over it. any advice is much appreciated. thanks

 

[Bleak]

I really don't think they will be better off with their Mom killing herself, no matter how emotionally checked out you are right now. Have you tried talking to anyone yet about these feelings? And surely someone else can help to take care of them without you dying first. I'm ignorant about childcare options but there must be some help. Giving advice on how to soften the blow of your suicide for them is just dishonest because nothing really would.

 

[Sittichmutter]

hello, I'm A SAHM to 2 toddlers. I've been feeling so down for months. I had hoped things would turn around after we moved but I've only gotten lower. I ignore my kids all day while they watch tv I just know they would be better off without me. I can't help but feel that I'm already checked out emotionally and it would be better to be physically gone too. At least someone else could take care of them if I weren't here. I just need to figure out how to make it a little easier for them. There's a sweater I wear all the time that they call my turtle shell, and like to cuddle in it with me. I know they'll use the turtle shell when I'm gone but I feel like I need something else for them too, so they dont fight over it. any advice is much appreciated. thanks

Please, Go get some help ASAP.
Toddlers demand a lot, because they need you. They will grow up. And when they are 18, you can CTB.
Not now!
They are too young and never asked to be born. They certainly love You and deserve to have their mommy.
You are tired and depressed. Look for help. Every year that passes, It gets a little better with kids. They learn and get independent.
I got serious depressed when Mine were little. O know It is hard. But It will get better. Believe me. Stay with your kids.

 

[Noctis]

Man, this is above my pay grade. On one hand, I want to encourage you to find a reason to live, because there are two innocent lives that depend on you and will be devastated when you die.

On the other hand, a depressed and mentally-ill mother is not a very good mother, and she'll raise kids that find this website before they turn 18.

 

[dustbiter]

yeaaaah, usually i try to be understanding abt ppls reasons to ctb, but in this case im gonna say you really should seek help before doing anything like that. you have kids and they are not going to be better off w a mom that committed suicide, especially if its bc of your listed reasons

 

[redwaymilk]

hello, I'm A SAHM to 2 toddlers. I've been feeling so down for months. I had hoped things would turn around after we moved but I've only gotten lower. I ignore my kids all day while they watch tv I just know they would be better off without me. I can't help but feel that I'm already checked out emotionally and it would be better to be physically gone too. At least someone else could take care of them if I weren't here. I just need to figure out how to make it a little easier for them. There's a sweater I wear all the time that they call my turtle shell, and like to cuddle in it with me. I know they'll use the turtle shell when I'm gone but I feel like I need something else for them too, so they dont fight over it. any advice is much appreciated. thanks

Please try to get help - I strongly echo sittichmutter. Those toddlers are now alive and would benefit so much from having their bio mom in their life.

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

I agree with what others have said here. I completely understand and respect your will to CTB, but you are the mother of your children, and I can tell you love and care for them so how can they be better off without you? That unconditional love that you have for them is irreplaceable, they'll never have that again. I don't think anyone here, as suicidal as we are, will want the children to lose that love at a young age.

Maybe wait until they're older? Old enough to understand and respect your decision, and appreciate and cherish the fact that you stayed for them.

 

[miserableforever]

hello, I'm A SAHM to 2 toddlers. I've been feeling so down for months. I had hoped things would turn around after we moved but I've only gotten lower. I ignore my kids all day while they watch tv I just know they would be better off without me. I can't help but feel that I'm already checked out emotionally and it would be better to be physically gone too. At least someone else could take care of them if I weren't here. I just need to figure out how to make it a little easier for them. There's a sweater I wear all the time that they call my turtle shell, and like to cuddle in it with me. I know they'll use the turtle shell when I'm gone but I feel like I need something else for them too, so they dont fight over it. any advice is much appreciated. thanks

I have 2 young daughters. I've been suicidal and hanging in for years. Right now I'm going through the worst of hell with an abusive ex husband who robbed me, stalks me, gropes me, and threatens to take my kids from me that aren't even his. Yesterday he called the police making up stories. Last year he broke into my house.
My oldest is self harming cause of the stress. Please try to stick around some more. Even if it takes all you got. One day at a time, one day at a time..

 

[Callie Arcale]

Dear @blackwhole

I understand you are at the end of your rope, but it's clear to me from your post that you care about your kids, since you are so concerned with doing something good for them. So it means that whatever you are going through must be pretty extreme and I am deeply sorry for that.

Let's be practical: Is there someone who can take the kids so you can get a breather? Is the other parent in the picture? Is there anyone at all you can call and say you're drowning and you need help? A relative, a friend or even social services?

Please forgive me if I don't say the right things. You have all my compassion. I am sending you many warm hugs!

 

[Starryeyes]

I understand completely how you feel, I have children and feel like Iv checked out already too. I'm walking around on auto pilot. My kids dad sees them roughly 3 hours every 8-12 weeks. I don't get a break at all.
Do you manage to get a break sometimes? Can you reach out to their dad to let him know how you are feeling? Or their grandparents? Is it possible to be "physically gone' without actually ctb?

 

[Insomniac]

Perhaps parents of minor should be banned from SS. bringing an innocent life to the hell hole and then just abandoning them isn't okay. all this for the mere feeling of accomplishment of having reproduced. not cool.

you are clearly going through hell rn because this is the worst situation to be in. sorry for this necessarily harsh comment of mine.

 

[blackwhole]

super new here but these replies are not what I was expecting. I am in therapy but it doesn't help. Figured I could keep going for as long as it takes to create another comfort item for them - like maybe start wearing a locket they could have...
anyone else try to make a totem like that?

 

[StarryStarry]

I can only tell you this - it isn't the amount of time you spend with your children - it's the quality of time. Even if you sit and read them a book or tell them a story or interact with them playing - children only want to be loved. I was depressed when I had children, but you HAVE to put your children first - they are innocent. I understand you're depressed - believe me I understand, but you have an obligation to protect and love those children. This may sound harsh but it is what it is. Get some help! I know you probably need a break - find a good sitter to watch the children for a day every now and then. Let them join a play group. There are numerous ways that you can find to help you. Don't let your children grow up thinking you took your life because of them - that is a horrible legacy to leave for them.

 

[dustbiter]

super new here but these replies are not what I was expecting. I am in therapy but it doesn't help. Figured I could keep going for as long as it takes to create another comfort item for them - like maybe start wearing a locket they could have...
anyone else try to make a totem like that?

your children are innocents brought into this world by you. i understand you are hurting, im not trying to dismiss that! but that does not dissolve your responsibility to them.
when you have a child, your first obligation goes to them, that's just how it is when you bring a life into the world.

whatever you do will ultimately be your decision, but i doubt you will receive much support for committing suicide on here knowing you have 2 small children. i hope you find peace, though

edit: also, what was it u were expecting? fervent support to kill urself regardless of the situation? its not like that here.

 

[StarryStarry]

super new here but these replies are not what I was expecting. I am in therapy but it doesn't help. Figured I could keep going for as long as it takes to create another comfort item for them - like maybe start wearing a locket they could have...
anyone else try to make a totem like that?

If you're in therapy and it's not working, then find another therapist and keep looking until you find one who will help you. You need to put your feelings aside for those children. I'm not sure what you were expecting from this site, but I doubt you'll find anyone to support you in your quest to take your life with little children at home.

 

[pole]

you're in a tough position. my heart goes out to you.

i think threads like this show what SS really is. you weren't expecting these responses from a place like this, but this is what we are. we're not pro-death, not pro-life, but pro-choice, and no one will encourage or advise you to death.

ultimately, it rests in your hands. i'm sorry that therapy hasn't been working the way you wanted it to work. i can only imagine wanting to CTB and find peace, but also knowing you have two children that need you. it's such a tough spot to be in.

i hope other members in the same position can give you helpful feedback.

i hope you find peace.

 

[blackwhole]

I'm not looking for support or encouragement. I'm not looking for validation or listing reasons to ctb. simply asking if anyone has attempted to make some physical, comfort token to leave behind for their family.
so much fing judgment here.

 

[Crazy4u]

if you are serious about CTB now before they grow up, did you consider looking for adoption options? finding good parents for them before you go?

 

[dustbiter]

so much fing judgment here.

i dont think anyone is trying to be judgmental. many people are here in part bc they had parents or guardians that did not look out for them and their best interests, so i imagine it strikes a rather personal note for many

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I'm not looking for support or encouragement. I'm not looking for validation or listing reasons to ctb. simply asking if anyone has attempted to make some physical, comfort token to leave behind for their family.
so much fing judgment here.

What about having custom stuffed animals made from other clothing items of yours? Googling brought up a few businesses and DIY patterns.

 

[goldenvirginia]

I'm sorry you've reached this point. I know how hard it can be when you've lost all hope. My own mother attempted suicide when I was 5. My sister and I found her and called the ambulance. Nothing you leave for them will make up for you dying. I don't say that to be cruel. It's just a fact. The repercussions of my mothers attempt has scarred me for life. I can't even begin to wonder how deep they'd run for a child whose parent actually succeeds.

 

[little helpers]

while I don't like to assume how much OP wants or needs to be gone, now, at least not "wait ten more years" (cuz let's face it, parents with very young children suicide too, morally condemning them does practically nothing), I also have to admit that the CPS is a complete motherfucker and OP's children will likely not be able to find secure attachment in life (ever) without her.

so, if you're reading this, OP, I wanna know whether your reason to ctb is primarily guilt at not being a "good enough" mother. spiced with the immense amount of stress from raising kids while depressed, most likely. OR is it apart from that, reasons that are for and about *you*, and yourself only.

cuz depression do make us blame ourselves and believe we're better off dead, even when it might not be the case.

I tend to view suicide as something to do for oneself. my mom's always triggering me, yeah, but to me, dying for *her* actions is the most sarcastic thing I can think of. how much must I value her abuse that I'd be willing to die for her sake?! I live and die for myself. for what I'd get in life or in death.

hope this helps.

 

[greyautumnsky]

Mothers already face a lot of judgement from society to perform at a level of perfection they cannot attain. Not only do they have to be the perfect mothers with perfect children and beautiful homes, but they have to be the perfect wives with perfect bodies, with perfectly made faces that always smile, that always have dinner on the table, are always shaved, never smell, the children never cry, and they never cry either. There's never crumbs in the car. The floor is never sticky. It's impossible. And if anything ever goes wrong. It's all mom's fault for not reading the right parenting forum, for not manifesting it hard enough, for not buying the right toothpaste or buying the right crap on Instagram or whatever.

It's frustrating.

And all of you jumped on her here, too.

Mom's have ZERO outlet. Anywhere. Mom's have ZERO OUTLET FOR THEIR SADNESS. They are expected to be warriors and caregivers always. Who takes care of mom? She suddenly stops mattering, to literally everyone, once she has a child. Society sh-ts on mothers. Society doesn't care for mothers. Society doesn't honor mothers. Society is bitter and angry at mothers.

Mothers are tired. And sad. And they are doing their best.

OP. I am sorry. I went on a rant. I am a mother struggling with depression too. Hard. I have no answers. I am in therapy too. I see two therapists. And I'm on meds. It isn't helping. I am scared, too. I get it.

I crochet for my son. I sew things like bags and pillows and use them and make memories walking with my son. We cook together a lot. We watch movies and shows together. We talk about why I am sad. I have actually tried to prepare him with frank talks about what might happen if I CTB because I have SI scars all over my arms. He's at the age now to ask about them and my past. I am honest with him. He is much older than a toddler though.

 

[Inez]

It's always mom's fault, if anything goes wrong...mom should have taken care of it...blah, blah, blah, sad but true. I can't imagine causing pain to my kids, even now when I see them upset/cry, they still look like my little babies.

Your toddlers will be lost and they will feel the pain throughout the rest of their lives, probably wondering how things would have been if you were still around. There's not much you can do to leave something behind, except maybe your never-ending love for them forever. Which leaves you in a pretty lousy situation.

I don't have the answer but please don't, spend time with them, just be in the same room is a positive step... call someone with toddlers, talk to someone in a similar situation, I think even a stranger with toddlers could help --how are they doing it, copy them. It sounds hokey but faking it 'til you make it helps, ultimately it will be your/my choice and that's not something I want to leave behind, i'm in a constant battle with myself. --Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[Cant go back]

Give them up for adoption or work with a trusted family member to give them guardianship.

Some of the "advice" on here is nuts. Take it from someone with experience. Children growing up with a suicidal parent is not what's best for them. You waiting until their older to ctb is not what's best for them.

As for keep sakes, photos and jewelry have a lot of meaning for people. Put those in a nice box for the kids to have when they are older, maybe with a note too.

Unless you plan on trying really hard to work through this with counseling and/or medication. It's best if you give them up so they are not scarred for life if you do decide to ctb.

 

[_Minsk]

Im sorry You found yourself in this situation, it sucks to be trapped in such situations, especially this one, the mental pressure and society expecting you to keep going while wanting just to die. This is just so cruel, i hope things will be easy for you, sending much love

 

[again_noidea]

hello, I'm A SAHM to 2 toddlers. I've been feeling so down for months. I had hoped things would turn around after we moved but I've only gotten lower. I ignore my kids all day while they watch tv I just know they would be better off without me. I can't help but feel that I'm already checked out emotionally and it would be better to be physically gone too. At least someone else could take care of them if I weren't here. I just need to figure out how to make it a little easier for them. There's a sweater I wear all the time that they call my turtle shell, and like to cuddle in it with me. I know they'll use the turtle shell when I'm gone but I feel like I need something else for them too, so they dont fight over it. any advice is much appreciated. thanks

make i video and explain why you needed to get away, so they can watch it when they are grownups

 

[blueclover_.]

Perhaps parents of minor should be banned from SS. bringing an innocent life to the hell hole and then just abandoning them isn't okay. all this for the mere feeling of accomplishment of having reproduced. not cool.

you are clearly going through hell rn because this is the worst situation to be in. sorry for this necessarily harsh comment of mine.

Yeah. Hah. I'd hate my mom too if she CTBed right after bringing me into this horrible world. LIKE TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY. The kids didn't ask to be born, at least make it easier for them.

 

[Starryeyes]

you know what. Fucking ban me then. See how it goes when Iv got now where to go to vent this shit and keep me going another day. But whilst we are at banning people in need of this website, ban you too. Because you don't need this site right?

 

[downndone]

i have grappled with this question myself. My children are grown but I have grandchildren and my oldest granddaughter's other grandfather CTB do I worry about her. have to agree with most of the comments and urge you to get help for the sake of your children. If I don't CTB myself, this will be why.