Help Preparing for loved ones

[little.rat]

I (25f) have been considering/attempting suicide for over 12 years. I've had time to put a lot of thought into what I can do to lessen the impact it has on others when I ctb, not just emotionally but also financially and otherwise. I would appreciate some feedback on ideas I've come up with, and maybe some other suggestions if anyone has them.

I live with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. He recently was laid off from his job and was already struggling financially before this. I've considered taking out a loan before I ctb and leaving the money to him. I know they can collect on my debts from my estate after I'm gone but if I take the money out in cash/gift cards/whatever and give it to him or use it myself directly to pay off some of his debt/bills I think that would solve that problem. I also have another $9000 or so between what's in my bank account and 401k, and I could also take out cash advances/pay his bills on my credit cards. This seems like a pretty good plan to me but maybe there's some flaws I'm not seeing. The only thing I worry about is if that makes him look guilty after the fact.

I also want to do it away from our home. When my dad passed away I couldn't bear to stay in the house he died in, and I don't want to put him through that. My plan is to OD on opiates so I would need to find somewhere relatively secluded to avoid being found and given narcan (or traumatizing a stranger).

The problem I have with that is my two animals. I have a cat (7) and a dog (9) who I've had since they were both babies. My dog is incredibly fond of my boyfriend, almost more than me, but still gets very anxious/sad when I'm away even just for work. My cat also likes him but is much more attached to me. Follows me around like a shadow, greets me when I get home, sleeps in my arms every night. Not only does it break my heart to think of leaving them, but I would like them to see my body before I go so maybe they understand that I didn't just disappear. If I ctb away from home this won't be possible (I want to be cremated, mostly for cost saving purposes).

I don't know if I should leave a note. I'm not sure if it would bring peace or just more pain to the people in my life. If I do, I would want separate notes for specific people and I don't know how I could ensure they would get to everyone.

My mother lives states away from me, and the only method of contact she has is calling or texting me. Shes an addict, but is in treatment right now 3 months clean. I don't know if it's better to have someone tell her what happened, or to tell her I died but make up a different story, or to just make it seem like I've gone no contact with her (which I have done in the past). I'm still conflicted on this one.

I've been slowly getting rid of some of my things so that there's less "junk" to have to deal with when I'm gone. Also just cleaning in general. I have my "room" where I keep my clothes and computer and things, and I'd like it to be clean and tidy when I do it so that maybe it can bring comfort to my boyfriend to be in there. A lyric of mitski's rings in my head; "I am relieved that I left my room tidy, they'll think of me kindly when they come for my things"

Any feedback or suggestions would be appreciated.

Sorry for the rambling, but if you read this far thank you

 

[charlavail]

I have a journal I'm going to keep by me when i ctb, and the first few pages have some of my wishes (basically just asking my close friends to please take my cat and for people to not spend money on my funeral) and also passwords in case they need to get into my retirement and bank accounts to get any money. I wrote letters for people, and also did videos. at first my plan was to write letters for everyone, and leave them in envelopes with peoples #s so they get them but then I was like eh, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe one video is enough. or maybe nothing. it's hard to decide what is appropriate.

 

[little.rat]

I have a journal I'm going to keep by me when i ctb, and the first few pages have some of my wishes (basically just asking my close friends to please take my cat and for people to not spend money on my funeral) and also passwords in case they need to get into my retirement and bank accounts to get any money. I wrote letters for people, and also did videos. at first my plan was to write letters for everyone, and leave them in envelopes with peoples #s so they get them but then I was like eh, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe one video is enough. or maybe nothing. it's hard to decide what is appropriate.

The journal is a good idea. I was thinking of getting an actual will written up and notarized and whatever u have to do to make it official, though idk yet if I will. I feel it may raise some suspicions with my bf. Also I think a video is much better/more meaningful and comforting than a letter, I just don't think I could do it without crying :/

 

[charlavail]

The journal is a good idea. I was thinking of getting an actual will written up and notarized and whatever u have to do to make it official, though idk yet if I will. I feel it may raise some suspicions with my bf. Also I think a video is much better/more meaningful and comforting than a letter, I just don't think I could do it without crying :/

I am definitely crying in my videos because it's hard to talk about how much I am suffering but idk I think if anything me crying would let people know "wow she was really suffering" which might help? I actually havent thought about getting a will written up and notarized, i should think about that. as long as your bf doesn't know then it should raise suspicions but also if you have someone so close who loves you maybe think things through a LOT before you ctb.