AnemoneNevrosa
Member
- Jun 24, 2025
- 6
Hello to those reading this looong message,
I've been struggling for a long time with intense episodes where I pray and cry to die on the spot. These crises feel unbearable, like being trapped with no way out. I felt completely powerless until the first time I harmed myself, thinking it might end everything (cutting my wrists with a piece of glass I found in the street, like in the movies after taking alcohol and pills—fun fact: it's not that simple). I had everything planned for a hanging at home in the attic, had the house to myself for the entire day, but my boyfriend at the time ended up working from home, so I had to act on impulse. I didn't have access to resources from the site—I felt like I'd hit rock bottom and snapped. Hurting myself pulled me out of the crisis, and I went to the hospital no one now includ my ex than I was suicidal.
That led to a diagnosis of BPD, humiliating hospitalizations where the only way they managed my crises was by restraining me and calling me a bad person. Still, I kept trying, seeing professionals, clinging to hope and then losing it, living on borrowed time. I swing between depression, moments of reckless passion like there's no tomorrow, and days like today, when I just can't lie to myself anymore about my deep desire to end it. The medical world frightens me—I struggle to trust—and I always feel like caregivers are talking to me with the DSM in the back of their minds, ready to slap on a new diagnosis or drug trial. I'm tired of being a lab rat.
I never thought I'd find a method. I don't want to make a scene, I don't want it to be graphic for whoever finds me, or not effective enough and end up back in the hospital with consequences like paralysis.
Then I discovered SN here, and just the idea of the perfect method calms me. I've got everything but the SN itself, and I'm desperate to find a source (I'm from France by the way—sorry if my English is weird) where I can order it! (Need a motive + company name.) I also read about people having run-ins with the police. I may seem outgoing, but I'm deeply shy and terrified of getting in trouble. I don't want a scandal or to break the law.
My deadline's approaching (about a month), and I feel like I've got the perfect window for CTB my cat will be cared for by my ex, all my commitments (work, volunteering, etc.) are ending, and I'll blow out my last candles. My boyfriend and I broke up—he's doing fine. No more state support in sight due to my medical history, and even if I renew it, it would mean committing fully to a treatment path that feels like a treadmill—I can't sustain it with my mood swings and social anxiety. I've stopped having those impulsive breakdowns from pain. I just want to go in peace. Knowing it's going to end brings me peace.
I'll never be satisfied with life. There's a deep emptiness eating away at me, and asking others to fill it is naive and toxic.
Sorry for the long-winded explanation, but it's my first post and I needed to give some context before asking for advice on how to get SN (especially in France/Europe), since I'm a noob at online ordering.
Anyway, SN seems like *the* method I've been searching for, but I just can't get my hands on it and its so frustrating
I only search about SN or alternative I have everything at home : quetiapine, xanax, paracetamol and it would be easy to found an antiacid. Also I like the idea to cant have a backward because I'm afraid about the survival instinct and the hope that creeps in when I tell myself I might find a way out by reaching for help
I'm glad to have finally found a place to express myself without be treated like a weirdo, I never really use the social media so be patient, sorry if I made some mistakes
I've been struggling for a long time with intense episodes where I pray and cry to die on the spot. These crises feel unbearable, like being trapped with no way out. I felt completely powerless until the first time I harmed myself, thinking it might end everything (cutting my wrists with a piece of glass I found in the street, like in the movies after taking alcohol and pills—fun fact: it's not that simple). I had everything planned for a hanging at home in the attic, had the house to myself for the entire day, but my boyfriend at the time ended up working from home, so I had to act on impulse. I didn't have access to resources from the site—I felt like I'd hit rock bottom and snapped. Hurting myself pulled me out of the crisis, and I went to the hospital no one now includ my ex than I was suicidal.
That led to a diagnosis of BPD, humiliating hospitalizations where the only way they managed my crises was by restraining me and calling me a bad person. Still, I kept trying, seeing professionals, clinging to hope and then losing it, living on borrowed time. I swing between depression, moments of reckless passion like there's no tomorrow, and days like today, when I just can't lie to myself anymore about my deep desire to end it. The medical world frightens me—I struggle to trust—and I always feel like caregivers are talking to me with the DSM in the back of their minds, ready to slap on a new diagnosis or drug trial. I'm tired of being a lab rat.
I never thought I'd find a method. I don't want to make a scene, I don't want it to be graphic for whoever finds me, or not effective enough and end up back in the hospital with consequences like paralysis.
Then I discovered SN here, and just the idea of the perfect method calms me. I've got everything but the SN itself, and I'm desperate to find a source (I'm from France by the way—sorry if my English is weird) where I can order it! (Need a motive + company name.) I also read about people having run-ins with the police. I may seem outgoing, but I'm deeply shy and terrified of getting in trouble. I don't want a scandal or to break the law.
My deadline's approaching (about a month), and I feel like I've got the perfect window for CTB my cat will be cared for by my ex, all my commitments (work, volunteering, etc.) are ending, and I'll blow out my last candles. My boyfriend and I broke up—he's doing fine. No more state support in sight due to my medical history, and even if I renew it, it would mean committing fully to a treatment path that feels like a treadmill—I can't sustain it with my mood swings and social anxiety. I've stopped having those impulsive breakdowns from pain. I just want to go in peace. Knowing it's going to end brings me peace.
I'll never be satisfied with life. There's a deep emptiness eating away at me, and asking others to fill it is naive and toxic.
Sorry for the long-winded explanation, but it's my first post and I needed to give some context before asking for advice on how to get SN (especially in France/Europe), since I'm a noob at online ordering.
Anyway, SN seems like *the* method I've been searching for, but I just can't get my hands on it and its so frustrating
I only search about SN or alternative I have everything at home : quetiapine, xanax, paracetamol and it would be easy to found an antiacid. Also I like the idea to cant have a backward because I'm afraid about the survival instinct and the hope that creeps in when I tell myself I might find a way out by reaching for help
I'm glad to have finally found a place to express myself without be treated like a weirdo, I never really use the social media so be patient, sorry if I made some mistakes
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