Help Posting here too to cover all bases

[cookiencream]

I posted this on the recovery forum too. I want to maybe get all the knowledge I can before making a decision. I have all the materials necessary for my method...but I'm too scared to do it. I tried to do it 'impulsively' but once it set in that I could actually do it. Like all I need to do is tie a rope and step off my anxiety has been through the roof. Just like last time. To make matters worse my dad found a piece of rope I had planned to use before I found better ones so that means he's on high alert. I told him it was from my previous attempt but ik he doesn't believe me. The fact he suspects me puts the risk of me getting saved even higher and I'm terrified because no method is 100% already . The last time this happened I attempted recovery before circling back to suicide because the only reason I tried is not because I wanna live it's because I'm afraid of dying. So I'm stuck in this hellish cycle and idk what to do to break it. It seems I truly, truly don't wanna live but if that's true then why am I so scared? Honestly idk how people see suicide as a cowards way out. It requires more willpower than living

 

[TBONTB]

Just hugs. And yes, it's easy to think about not existing...a solution to all problems. It's hard to actually take action...very hard.

It's okay to decide to stay for a while and listen to the part of you that is scared.

 

[cookiencream]

Just hugs. And yes, it's easy to think about not existing...a solution to all problems. It's hard to actually take action...very hard.

It's okay to decide to stay for a while and listen to the part of you that is scared.

I listened and ended up chickening out. Now I wanna die even more!

 

[eupdplishlp]

I listened and ended up chickening out. Now I wanna die even more!

how come this makes you wanna die more? be honest

 

[cookiencream]

how come this makes you wanna die more? be honest

Because you know how in those suicide survival stories they always say how they regret them because they actually wanted to live and stuff like that. It's not happening for me, so it's sort of reaffirming in my mind that I truly don't want to live but I am a coward. So I just feel trapped. Although I'm getting professional help soon, so maybe in a couple years I'll feel thankful I didn't go through with it

 

[eupdplishlp]

I commend you on the profesional help, you are a true survivour and this is a good step and picturing it the way you are is manifestation and hopeful

 

[TBONTB]

I listened and ended up chickening out. Now I wanna die even more!

I'm sorry. I get that, I do.

 

[wine is fine but]

so it's sort of reaffirming in my mind that I truly don't want to live but I am a coward

you are not a coward for not following through with these particular plans. it could be considered brave. it would be easy enough to dare yourself to do it, just to prove to yourself you could. instead you faced up to yourself and thought more about it

no one who is living knows what is after this existence, and there is a good chance, that even those who have died do not know what is after. to have second thoughts is no cowardly action. the human brain is not wired to actively chase the total unknown, so as you suggested, suicide needs more will power than living. to live, you just need to breathe in and then breathe out. to face up to the unknown requires a huge amount of bravery to overcome emotions such as fear, anxiety, guilt and others

 

[cookiencream]

you are not a coward for not following through with these particular plans. it could be considered brave. it would be easy enough to dare yourself to do it, just to prove to yourself you could. instead you faced up to yourself and thought more about it

no one who is living knows what is after this existence, and there is a good chance, that even those who have died do not know what is after. to have second thoughts is no cowardly action. the human brain is not wired to actively chase the total unknown, so as you suggested, suicide needs more will power than living. to live, you just need to breathe in and then breathe out. to face up to the unknown requires a huge amount of bravery to overcome emotions such as fear, anxiety, guilt and others

Currently, I regret choosing to think about it more. It seems to me that my SI isn't always panicking or fear. It could be as simple as the idea that my fear means more than it actually does. I'm still going to think about it more, but currently I think it was nothing more than SI. And that kinda sucks, I was hoping it'd be more but it's the same thing as my first attempt. At least now I know how my SI works, I now know that there is no deeper meaning behind my fear. I just need the bravery to take my life. Ofc I'm gonna let some time pass to see if this is how I truly think.