posting bc there’s no one to talk to

[killmeiwannadie]

lately i've been feeling a lot of pressure to like decided on a method and a date and that it needs to be sooner rather than later. i've been really disconnected with everything around me. i don't really feel like anyone anymore just like i'm slowly phasing out of all this. and my lack of stability has been weighing on me quite a bit…

i just want to die so badly it's all i can think about all day long everyday. today was weird tho. i took a 7hr midday "nap" that felt like i was being taken away from here. i was somewhere else and much happier and more at peace. i had thoughts while i was dreaming that felt like i had an awareness that this world no longer applied to me. like i was being told that yes i will be free of all this.

of course i woke up much to my disappointment. i feel weird tho. like i'm not really here more than usual. something about the pressure i was feeling is less. i still want to ctb. i still would like it to be sooner rather than later i just feel different. idk how to explain it. i guess i just wanted to post this somewhere. there isn't anyone to really talk to about it.

i limit how honest i am with people. i'm lucky enough to know people who have had suicidal thoughts so the ones that get it don't make me feel horrible about it, but they are hopeful and trying to work on their mental health so i try not to bring them down too much with how i'm feeling while still being real about where i'm at with things. so i'm posting this here. just feeling very weird. i want it to mean i'm going to die soon tbh.

 

[tiredangelgirl]

always here for you sometimes I have similar situations. I don't dream often, but lately I keep having super amazing, peaceful, relaxing dreams where life is enjoyable and good and i'm not suffering. I wake up unsure how to take it; is it a sign to ctb and i'll feel those great feelings all the time? or a sign that can be my life's reality if I stay and keep working at it?

I still plan to ctb within the next few months because I get snapped back into reality but sometimes the dreams are soooo realistic feeling it hurts .

 

[Foxes]

It's as if you've taken every single one of my thoughts as of late and laid it all out in this post. I relate so hard. It's a very weird feeling, like you're stuck in some kind of limbo waiting for the inevitable to arrive.

 

[downndone2]

Always here as well

 

[killmeiwannadie]

always here for you sometimes I have similar situations. I don't dream often, but lately I keep having super amazing, peaceful, relaxing dreams where life is enjoyable and good and i'm not suffering. I wake up unsure how to take it; is it a sign to ctb and i'll feel those great feelings all the time? or a sign that can be my life's reality if I stay and keep working at it?

I still plan to ctb within the next few months because I get snapped back into reality but sometimes the dreams are soooo realistic feeling it hurts .

thank you for replying and for the support and kind words. yeah idk what to really take from this one in particular. i always have a lot of vivid dreams but this one felt really communicative in that way that made me feel like well…. what is the universe trying to say??? like you said idk if this is reassurance that yeah if i don't want to be here i should ctb and there will be peace and mercy and happiness elsewhere, or is it saying that all those things can happen here that i'm being taken away from the circumstances that make me feel like ctb in the first place?? (tbh that would require a full systemic change like i'd have to wake up to a while new world)

i hate the uncertainty of all this. i hate that i'm even here to begin with, but alas. i just feel so weird right now. i've completely isolated from most people. i rarely reach out. i have like super short texts back and forth with like two or three people and that's it. i don't engage with anything music, reading, shows nothing I used to enjoy. i've been losing my appetite. it really feels like i'm shutting down. now i feel even more out of it. but less stressed about it. idk

 

[darklight442]

hi there,

i just came by and read this and felt really sad in my chest for you. I wish you didn't feel so alone but i hear that you do. I think it's very brave of you to post how you feel here and I think there is a part of you that still has hope in there. Your dreams have hope in them, your subconscious has hope in there and are showing you that there's still feelings of happiness and hope there that will come. i hear that you have friends that may share some of the struggles you have, maybe considering opening up to them about what you wrote here would be a next step? i hope you can really lean into that doubt because it means there's still good in you trying to work its way out. I don't personally know you but I have people that i'm very close to that have dealt with similar things, and i have witnessed a change in them that got them in a better place. I really hope the best for you and that you are able to see the light in these horrible times.

 

[killmeiwannadie]

Always here as well

thank you! i sometimes feel so guilty logging on here. but idk what i would do if i didn't have the option to turn to people here. obvs this site isn't perfect or without flaws but for the most part i've received such kind support to thank you

It's as if you've taken every single one of my thoughts as of late and laid it all out in this post. I relate so hard. It's a very weird feeling, like you're stuck in some kind of limbo waiting for the inevitable to arrive.

it's so weird right!? i'm glad i posted. i'm glad i was able to resonate with so many of you. kinda crying about it but not in a bad way. just feel really seen right now. thank you

hi there,

i just came by and read this and felt really sad in my chest for you. I wish you didn't feel so alone but i hear that you do. I think it's very brave of you to post how you feel here and I think there is a part of you that still has hope in there. Your dreams have hope in them, your subconscious has hope in there and are showing you that there's still feelings of happiness and hope there that will come. i hear that you have friends that may share some of the struggles you have, maybe considering opening up to them about what you wrote here would be a next step? i hope you can really lean into that doubt because it means there's still good in you trying to work its way out. I don't personally know you but I have people that i'm very close to that have dealt with similar things, and i have witnessed a change in them that got them in a better place. I really hope the best for you and that you are able to see the light in these horrible times.

i'm really appreciate you. it's really hard to have hope but i'm not against recognizing that you might be right about that? like…maybe that is what it is. i definitely don't feel so much pressure to make a ctb decision after the dream so you're making good points. i think over all i'm much more on the i prefer to die side of things, but i will take your advice and share this with one of the friends who understand what it's like to feel suicidal. i think you're right about that.

 

[darklight442]

thank you! i sometimes feel so guilty logging on here. but idk what i would do if i didn't have the option to turn to people here. obvs this site isn't perfect or without flaws but for the most part i've received such kind support to thank you

it's so weird right!? i'm glad i posted. i'm glad i was able to resonate with so many of you. kinda crying about it but not in a bad way. just feel really seen right now. thank you

i'm really appreciate you. it's really hard to have hope but i'm not against recognizing that you might be right about that? like…maybe that is what it is. i definitely don't feel so much pressure to make a ctb decision after the dream so you're making good points. i think over all i'm much more on the i prefer to die side of things, but i will take your advice and share this with one of the friends who understand what it's like to feel suicidal. i think you're right about that.

i'm really proud of you truly for saying that your interested in trying, i don't think you understand how amazing that is that your still willing to try, many people aren't able to recognize the hope inside them and i just felt an energy about you that you do have that. i know there's a future for you where you can be happy and guilt free. i send you my love and prayers that you will make it and that the help you are looking for is also searching for you. my advice would be limit your time looking at ctb methods or encouragement for that because of how damaging it can be for that hope you have. if you ever wanna play a game online or something i'd be down!! I really hope this message can get to you and that you can get through the days :) much love!

 

[killmeiwannadie]

i'm really proud of you truly for saying that your interested in trying, i don't think you understand how amazing that is that your still willing to try, many people aren't able to recognize the hope inside them and i just felt an energy about you that you do have that. i know there's a future for you where you can be happy and guilt free. i send you my love and prayers that you will make it and that the help you are looking for is also searching for you. my advice would be limit your time looking at ctb methods or encouragement for that because of how damaging it can be for that hope you have. if you ever wanna play a game online or something i'd be down!! I really hope this message can get to you and that you can get through the days :) much love!

thank you :). truthfully i've been behaving really recklessly. i suppose it falls under self harm which is an issue i had before with cutting, only now in realizing that it has transformed into this….because i did this before as well…

hmm…sorry just having a realization that this a self harm thing that i've done before and have been doing recently i haven't even said what it was just having a moment i guesss…uhh yeah so i take meds recklessly. not with intent to ctb, just recklessly. when i was experiencing SA in 2020 i would take high doses of ibuprofen recklessly. i would nottttt recommend. terrible. and lately i've been mixing high doses of CBD and diphenhydramine bc it gives me a feeling of sedation. I looked it up and its very not good to mix those things at high doses, but even after learning that i kept doing it. I don't believe things will improve. I more so want this to mean a natural death is on the horizon. But in the meantime maybe i'll talk to someone both about the dream and my recent self harm. someone who won't call on me bc we both hate being involuntarily hospitalized.

the point of this was to tell you thank you. i guess i just felt comfortable to tell you all this as I'm realizing it. seems it would have been obvious that i was self harming. but i guess since i used to cut and i don't now i didn't really put two and two together. anyways. thank you.

I think i will step away from looking at methods. tho i think the constant thinking about how and when in my mind might take a while to quiet down. I can't really promise i won't be back. i could feel very differently later. such is the way of my mood/personality disorders. the pressure isn't really there to decide in one. but the desire to die is still pretty strong so we'll see. it would be fun to play a game. they have those on here right? i've never tried it out. usually very one track minded about being on ss.

 

[darklight442]

thank you :). truthfully i've been behaving really recklessly. i suppose it falls under self harm which is an issue i had before with cutting, only now in realizing that it has transformed into this….because i did this before as well…

hmm…sorry just having a realization that this a self harm thing that i've done before and have been doing recently i haven't even said what it was just having a moment i guesss…uhh yeah so i take meds recklessly. not with intent to ctb, just recklessly. when i was experiencing SA in 2020 i would take high doses of ibuprofen recklessly. i would nottttt recommend. terrible. and lately i've been mixing high doses of CBD and diphenhydramine bc it gives me a feeling of sedation. I looked it up and its very not good to mix those things at high doses, but even after learning that i kept doing it. I don't believe things will improve. I more so want this to mean a natural death is on the horizon. But in the meantime maybe i'll talk to someone both about the dream and my recent self harm. someone who won't call on me bc we both hate being involuntarily hospitalized.

the point of this was to tell you thank you. i guess i just felt comfortable to tell you all this as I'm realizing it. seems it would have been obvious that i was self harming. but i guess since i used to cut and i don't now i didn't really put two and two together. anyways. thank you.

I think i will step away from looking at methods. tho i think the constant thinking about how and when in my mind might take a while to quiet down. I can't really promise i won't be back. i could feel very differently later. such is the way of my mood/personality disorders. the pressure isn't really there to decide in one. but the desire to die is still pretty strong so we'll see. it would be fun to play a game. they have those on here right? i've never tried it out. usually very one track minded about being on ss.

I hear you about the self harm. I myself struggled with cutting for about a year or so when i was 15-16 and along with other things like that so i understand a bit how you may be feeling. I see myself in you and that's why i feel so much for you. Self harm comes in many forms and for me it was like a release from the feelings i had. somethings the things we do recklessly are a way to act out our feelings inside in unhealthy ways. I've since recovered and i know you can too. I know sometimes when i felt hopeless and "half into life" you could say, i would act more recklessly like things didn't matter and sell myself short on a lot of opportunities because i felt like things ultimately don't matter. This of course felt true and i was so resistent to help because deep down I think i was afraid of not feeling this sadness and pain, it was my new normal and comforting, it was easy to sulk in my mind and find comfort in the thoughts. in the end this caused my quality of life to worsen reinforcing my thoughts that weren't true. Anyways enough about my story, what I know is true is that I chose not to listen to the dark side and not let myself drown in it. those feelings will come back from time to time and even weeks i can feel sad but just like the weather and the days, things constantly change and I will see the light again. I know you will get through these hard times and it brings me so much joy that you're willing to take steps to help yourself. it's people like you that make me believe that there's still hope out there and good in all of us and im so sorry that you have been feeling like this for so long. If you want to talk you can hmu, and maybe we can play minecraft or valorant ext. i'll keep you in my good thoughts :) please stay strong <3

 

[SorrowfulDrugUser]

I really get where your coming from OP. I am not trying to sound like those pro-lifers here but (assuming you haven't) maybe trying to seek professional medical attention could help. However, that is entirely up to your bidding. With that out of the way, just know (that to me and many others) Sanctioned Suicide is a forum that provides comfort in darkness. If you ever need someone to talk to then please feel free to send me a chat. I'm always looking for another friend! As @darklight442 said, please stay strong! Best Wishes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's true that for many people dreams can certainly be preferable to reality, I understand why you would feel so disappointed upon waking up. I always hate waking up and realising that I didn't peacefully pass away in my sleep.

 

[killmeiwannadie]

I really get where your coming from OP. I am not trying to sound like those pro-lifers here but (assuming you haven't) maybe trying to seek professional medical attention could help. However, that is entirely up to your bidding. With that out of the way, just know (that to me and many others) Sanctioned Suicide is a forum that provides comfort in darkness. If you ever need someone to talk to then please feel free to send me a chat. I'm always looking for another friend! As @darklight442 said, please stay strong! Best Wishes.

i dont want to go the medical route any more. too much trauma and the search for meds made my life hell. i don't trust them or believe they actually can help. most i'm willing to do right now is take a step back and consider why i feel so desperate to go. i woke up this morning wishing i hadn't so i still dont want to be here. but im not willing to trust medical professionals anymore.