Venting possibility of a future for myself

[nymphojuno]

i'm finally back to using this hellsite after promising myself yet again that i would get better.

suffice to say, i haven't.

i don't really think there's a point in me "getting better." i can't anyways. my personality disorder is a death sentence for me. i look around me and i browse the internet just to see the absolute lunacy that people like me display every day. it makes me realize what kind of person i am. what i'm doomed to be for the rest of my life because of abuse, rape, and other things that aren't my fault and never were my fault. my brain is irreparably damaged because of other people's inability to help me grow when i was a small child. because of older men wanting to take advantage of me. because of people hating me and treating me like i'm garbage for no reason. it's sickening.

even the government has given up on us. people with bpd are told to either sit through endless therapy to learn "self-control" and never change the formative way we think, or commit suicide. canada has even legalized assisted suicide for us. there is no hope for my existence.

believe me, i don't want to hurt my girlfriend or the small handful of people that pretend to care about me, but i'm so tired. there's nothing left. i was never meant to exist here. this planet wasn't made for me. i'm just a spectacle. a child's crude clay molding of what a person should look like. i am totally pathetic and worthless.

i wish i had killed myself when i was 16 or younger so i wouldn't be freshly 21 and still dealing with this mess that is my brain and my life. i don't even deserve to live. i've ruined every good opportunity and relationship i've ever gotten my grubby hands on. even if i do manage to get by, i'll be stuck at a 9-5 job barely paying my bills or i'll be homeless on the street.

if god exists, he absolutely fucking hates me

 

[DeadSpaceEnthusiast]

I wish there was more that could be done, but governments would rather focus on other things than improving mental health institutions and the wellbeing of victims.

More people should've and should be genuinely caring for you. The real you. I'm sorry you have to go through this. There's nothing I or anyone else could say that would truly help, but I would at least like to let you know that there are people here who are watching, acknowledging you, and know that your existence and your feelings matter. But I'm not going to pretend everything's okay. Truth is life sucks for the most part and pain is plentiful. But you won't always have to be alone.