I see you and several others being brave enough to admit to porn issues, so I suppose as embarassing as it is I will as well if there is a chance it could help someone else not feel so alone.
Long story short here, dont feel bad cause your not alone. But I do agree with others that you need to talk to a professional. Please dont be too angry with your ex. I know it hurt you, but please try to see it from her side, how hurt and ugly it must have made her feel.
So for a little background, I am a woman. I grew up with an abusive father. Not necessairily sexually abusive, althought he would make the rare comment about my body and breasts, he was mostly verbally abusive. However I grew up in a sex filled house. The china cabinet was not filled with fine china, it was pervy shirts with half naken women and other things of that sort. The office had signed posters of strippers, your typical mechanics calenders with half naked women, all that kind of stuff. If I had a boyfriend over he would pull the stuff out and shove it in their face and ask their opinion, I guess to try and embarass them?
My father himself had a serious porn issue. Only once as a child did I try to look for hidden christmas presents... all I found was lots of porn mags and VHS tapes and was sufficiently creeped out that I never snooped for presents again. Unfortuantly my father is the first naked man I saw. He had a laptop and would watch porn and masturbate in the living room. I would come downstairs for a drink and walk in on him, just for him to look at me in disgust and annoyance. Its a fucking laptop, take it in your bedroom! Well when he killed his laptop with porn viruses (he is not technologically capable) he got a desktop computer in the office. But then he wouldnt close the door! I would see him watching father/step-daughter stuff and was so disturbed. He would also just watch it on the big TV in the living room. I remember one morning I was gettting ready for school. I walked through the living room to the kitchen to pack my lunch. I glanced at the tv as I walked by, it was some amatuer looking shit, with a man in a pink gorilla suit out in the woods. I just ignored it and went on about getting ready for school. A few minutes later my mom starts yelling at me to come in the living room and asking why I'm watching that. As I am walking, I am hollering back that it was on some weird pink gorilla thing when I came downstairs and I wasnt watching it. By the time I got back and saw the tv, it was 2 naked women having sex with the man in the pink gorilla suit... My mother was well aware of my fathers porn issue, why in the fuck would she think porn on the tv is from ME?!?!
Well, I became a hypocrit as a teenager. I became curious about sex, as I assume most teens do. Since I was already well aware of the existence of porn, I looked to porn for "education". I first learned to masturbate that way. I was already witness to how my father treated my mother, then seeing how porn treats women, I guess I internalized that as how I am supposed to be treated. I started to view sex as something a woman does for/to a man, and not something thats supposed to be mutually pleasing. When I was a teenager I had lots of sex with much older men, it was a way for me to get a good meal and a temporary reprieve from being at home with my father. I let them pretty much do anything and did anything they wanted, cause thats what I learned that sex was. I never had an orgasm with a single one, cause thats not what sex is for. I used to have alot of shame for all I did as a teenager, but now that I am in my 30s I understand that the only people who should feel shame are the 40 somethings that saw an obviously distraught 17 year old and decided to use her for sex.
But my point is, it was ingrained in my from my early teens that sex is something women do to men for men. It was never about female pleasure. So I never had an orgasm with a man. For YEARS. It didnt matter how good a man was or how hard he tried (not that many did, but I can think of 2 that really tried). My brain simply didnt allow it. "Do I look ok. Am I making the right sounds? Am I making the right faces? Am I sqeezing tight enough? Do I feel ok for him?" Sex was a performance to me. I never had an orgasm with a man until I got married, and even that took a few years, at no fault of his own. Its simply about my mind and my thoughts. So obviously I used porn as a way to actually please myself, since I never got any real release from sex. While watching porn and masturbaing, those thoughts of performing arent there. I can focus on what I feel, or watching and imagining those things being done to me. I did catch myself going down that more hardcore route that you speak of, with bondage and such. The guilt ended up winning in the end. As a woman myself, and learning that pornstarts arent always exactly willing and happy to partake in such things, I couldnt enjoy it anymore, nor would I allow myself to. Even if it took me longer, I only allowed myself to watch more vanilla stuff. Nowadays I will only watch hentai cause I atleast can rationalize that I am not supporting the physical hurting and exploitation of real women. I saw some people mentioning something that I assume is a place with erotic literature, I highly reccomend that as well. I have also taken to reading erotica, as well as audio porn, so to rationalize to myself that its guilt free since no actual exploitation of women is happening.
I recommed getting a therapist first and foremost. I would think that trying to quit watching hard stuff for as long as possible, and then forcing yourself to settle for more vanilla stuff when you cant take it anymore, would maybe eventually help reprogram your brain. Not a doctor here, I am just guessing. That worked for me to quit the more hardcore stuff. I also live in an area where porn hub is banned, that helped too. I think there might be ways you can put basically child locks on your computer/phone to block yourself from those sites incase you ever feel like your going to cave in to temptation. Not sure how that works though, just something I saw mentioned on other posts.
I still live with guilt for watching porn since I am married now. I am terrified if my husband finds out that he will think its because he is lacking. If I may be so blunt, he is in no way "lacking" if you get my drift, and bless his heart he tries so hard. But honestly the more he tries, the more its just not gonna happen. I see him trying so hard, and I start to feel pressured and on the spot. I also feel bad if I am not doing something that directly benefits him. He has given me an orgasm once, and it was something random that I wasnt expecting. He wasnt trying particularly hard, it was just a... I dont know the words here... like primitive and frantic. It was the most intense and amazing orgasm of my life. Funny thing though, having had it happen once now, has made it even harder. Cause now I want it even more, I feel even more pressure, not just from him but from myself. Its hard to explain.
I really sympathize with you and your ex. I feel the guilt and shame and worry that it will make my husband feel inadequate if he finds out. I also think how hurt I would feel in his shoes if I found out. Even if he told me it wasnt my fault, I wouldnt be able to feel anything but ugly and inadequate. I know she hurt you, but please try to understand it from her point of view. I am not saying she was right or wrong to leave, just understand how hurt and inadequate you may have inadvertantly made her feel.
I wish you luck on your journey of soul searching and trying to figure this stuff out. Its difficult and hella embarassing, but maybe a professional could help you start on the right path.
Also: Awesome Sanji profile pic!
