Poll: how many of you have disclosed suicidal intent to those around you?

[Moonomyth]

Setting aside the involuntary disclosure of getting hospitalized, my spouse knows I still have regular suicidal ideation and that I go to "pro-suicide" forums (without naming names) because I find them to be more generally supportive than the toxic positivity of other support venues.

I have to strike a very careful balance regarding how much I talk about this, however, because doing it too much makes her uncomfortable, or gives her the impression I'm doing it for attention. Just hiding everything would have been easier.

 

[Sugarplum]

The "just reach out for help" is the biggest lie ever. I'm glad if it works for some people and it's worth trying I guess, but mostly it just takes away any remaining shred of illusion that anyone cares.

Everyone knows, I've begged everyone for help, no one who could help will. They say the right things, and then no matter how little I ask, they won't do it. Anything from inviting me to a holiday, to texting me ever again after I tell them just hearing from them makes all the difference. I have two friends who actually reach out to me and try to be supportive, and they are both in way worse situations than I am, and I feel terrible I can't help them either.

I'm an extreme extrovert and have spent my life trying to build community and help people and build a safety net for myself. I make "friends" and connect to people super easily. Thousands of people, hundreds of "friends", many "close" over my lifetime (45) Across many groups and interests, locally and online internationally. It is NOT that I just need to keep trying because I haven't met the right people yet.

This is literally 95% of the reason I'm suicidal. The other 5% being complex physical disabilities and chronic pain, but if I were loved and respected, I could survive those.

My doctor and therapist know. They also know I'm completely rational, logical, have tried everything and my situation isn't changeable or survivable. It makes my therapist mad because she is lazy and not getting to feel good about helping me. My doctor keeps trying me on new meds but my insanely wonky metabolism means most things are either totally inert, have horrific side effects, or both. The good part of that is I have a huge stockpile of meds I could use to ctb, but the bad part is who even knows if they would even work at any dose.

988 is just formulaic. They listen, validate, then try to make a "safety plan" to get you off the phone, and get angry when their rudimentary ideas won't work. It might help some people who need someone to listen or haven't tried anything themselves.

 

[Shrike]

Funny (and sad) to read that, Sugarplum. People keep telling me I just need to meet people to find the right ones, too, but I can tell every time I go out to meet people the right ones aren't there. At times I'd spend years somewhere thinking that maybe it just takes time or something. But in the past, when I did meet the right people, the understanding was instantaneous. I don't know where they all went. I'm afraid too many internalized the negative messages thrown at them day and night.

(also, most typical mental health meds are not effective for CTB and are more likely to just cause you interesting brain experiences. Please get informed on the matter first, there are lots of resources on this forum, including a warning sticky by this thread's OP)

Technically, both my parents and my friends have been informed ages ago, but nobody really brings it up. I think I'm just a liability to both of them that can go poof at some point, which, I guess, is just as well. Or maybe they don't think it's very serious. I think I'm the type to just, one day, CTB, without much warning and with no recovery, and that'd be all.

 

[yrrusdf]

Im very surprised on the results of the poll I thought it would be the other way around with most people not disclosing.

 

[murderatruemorgue]

I have been burned too much to disclose anymore.

I've had welfare checks called on me by friends that lead to forced inpatient. I've had therapists who tried to force me to go to inpatient—basically saying I go willingly or unwillingly—even when I wasn't actively having thoughts or plans (long story.)

I've had nurses in inpatient physically drag me from the bed by the arms so I would go to 'group.' I once got so physically sick in inpatient I had 103 degree temperature and they still kept trying to force me to go to groups. I saw someone who attempted SH and they took away all her clothes and forced her to wear a hospital gown for 24-hours. Treating people like dogs or children, like we're just dumb and not in pain.

I will NEVER go to inpatient again. I will literally do anything to avoid it. And so many people panic when they even hear about SI I don't even bother anymore. I will lie to therapists and psychiatrists about having thoughts or plans because there is literally nothing more they will do except lock me up.

 

[Malaria]

I've been struggling with suicidal ideation and attempts for about seventeen years now (I'm 29), it's kinda hard for someone to be close to me at this point in my life and not know I have chronic suicidality. However, the older I get, the more I honestly regret telling them and burdening them with my problems. I kinda wish I had just jotted down my feelings in a private journal and put on a fake smile.

 

[26mmmm]

I recently disclosed to my family and friends and found it wasn't as bad as I thought. Nobody locked me up in a psych ward, I'm just getting a lot of emotional support. I still feel empowered to ctb if I wish, but now I know I can say goodbye to the people I love if I needed. I also feel there is more medical and emotional support if I want to live.

I feel really strongly that nobody should have to suffer alone, and wish everyone could feel safe and comfortable disclosing. I think feeling safe and being transparent improves people's ability to make informed choices rather than being coerced into suicide by loneliness and insecurity re: suicide.

Obviously millage will vary and many cannot disclose, but I'm curious how many of you have disclosed? Why or why not?

I don't discuss my problems for a couple of reasons. The first is that I don't want to be associated with the social media mental illness "cult". The second is that I don't want to be a burden or be treated as sick.
The third reason is that I don't really have anyone to discuss my problems with - I don't have any close friends and barely any friends at all and I resent my family.
And the last is that I don't feel comfortable opening up. I feel like I should keep my problems to myself unless its for a good enough reason, and I don't see some compassion from others as a good reason. I've been around people who cant stop talking about their problems and its just annoying, they spread their negativity everywhere.



I've pretty much bottled everything up for some time now. At first I didn't even admit it to myself because I was so focused on improving and told myself that it'll all be over soon so why care about it too much, and also because I saw it as being weak and I also didn't really realize how miserable I was up until lately.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Im very surprised on the results of the poll I thought it would be the other way around with most people not disclosing.

I was also surprised! I think it's probably a good thing that most people can disclose to at least someone, as it's important to feel you can be authentically yourself with someone.

I'd be curious how many of the people who did disclose were happy with their decision vs. regretted it, how many felt emotionally supported by the person(s) they disclosed to, etc.

I'm putting together a forum-wide survey with oversight from Rain which will hopefully explore these questions in greater depth.

If anyone has questions they think would be good to explore feel free to DM me! Feedback is always welcome

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

I try to often joke about killing myself, but my mother just shuts that down and tells me I should never make these jokes. I just really wish she could've gotten the hint 6 or 7 years ago.

 

[Cain.Wong]

All my closed one know cuz I attempted last April.

 

[Final_Choice]

Certain people in my life know that I have some relation to suicide ideation, but the extent to how much that is differs for different people depending on how much I feel comfortable I feel with them knowing. Currently there's only one (maybe another, though I have yet to confirm how much they know) that knows the full extent of it and why I feel such a way.

 

[reisen]

my friends used to know but dont know im still suicidal, and im not telling my family as theyd really freak out and/or attempt to get me on a psych hold

 

[Rhizomorph1]

my friends used to know but dont know im still suicidal, and im not telling my family as theyd really freak out and/or attempt to get me on a psych hold

At this point I'm just basically existing so if they put me in a psych ward for a bit I won't complain. They can't keep me there forever; other people need the beds more than me.

Thankfully I doubt it will come to that. I should be able to access MAID I think

 

[lita-lassi]

pretty much every friend has heard me say i wanna end it, most know im very serious about needing an exit button. plenty have offered what they can but... yknow. its not an easy thing to experience and imo its not fair to get mad at others for not knowing how to respond to such a hard situation. humans aren't trained in how to best respond to that thought process, we're wired for the opposite. the only response ive ever gotten actually upset by was the blatantly dismissive or nothing. although my therapist has helped me realize its absolutely fair to feel disappointed by my family whove done their best to ignore the reality of my "situation" and would rather keep themselves comfortable than talk to me. my sister is the only one thats actively tried to help but she doesnt talk to me much and im really, really tired of no one bothering to communicate anymore

 

[pompompurin]

I told two people and I think it was the right thing to do in my situation.

 

[JordanF]

I have told one online friend a year ago, but no one else. They wrote me a very sweet message that did help quite a bit, and I ended up being happy that I told them. However, I didn't tell them that I had an active plan as I feared they would panic and I wanted them to think it was more passive. I think telling someone that you have a plan is a bit dangerous and they are much more likely to go to the police in a case like that.

 

[Placo]

I've done this on several occasions without great results.

 

[eatantz]

i have but i didn't really have a choice. My therapist told my mum about my suicidal thoughts and then she told the whole family and i became the new gossip.

Also i have very large and visible self harm scars so people just assume

 

[m4rius]

I've disclosed it to my parents but it doesn't really stick to them. It goes from one ear and out the other. They're in denial, they're not taking me seriously which is annoying as fuck. I don't blame them, tho.

 

[Josh007]

I told my family some years ago. I also clearly told my parents that suicide is my choice and I will exercise that right if I choose to. Idk if that counts, I don't feel the need to repeat. I'm here for good time not a long time.

 

[scarlet-pixie]

I told one of my friends I was planning on CTBing a week or so ago. It went alright, I think though we haven't talked about it since then.

Ideally id wanna be able to tell the rest of my friends too, I wanna be able to properly say goodbye before I leave.

 

[Sulyya]

So surprised by the vote results, though I guess failed attempts are kind of a disclosure too. I definitely will never do this short of a suicide note.

Impressed by people's courage who seek the help.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

First time it came out was because of that. Really fucked things up. I got way too attached to the person I told. Would've been better if I died or people found out after I got my stomach pumped from trying

 

[darkandtwisty]

I had in the past. I was told to get over it, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being dramatic. I've been called crazy and selfish. Better to keep it to myself. That's why I joined SS. A group of individuals who understand.

 

[Unspoken7612]

I told my GP I was having increased suicidal thoughts… gosh, must be three years ago now. They referred me to a local charity, who encouraged me to be more open.

I told my parents "I don't want to keep living like this" and my dad asked me to promise him I'd tell him if I was actually going to kill myself. We have talked about it a few times since then.

I have told various medical professionals since. Will not be telling anyone who is anywhere near a "crisis team" or anything like that again after what my experience with them last September was like.

My parents went on a seven week holiday at the start of the year to see my younger brother in Australia. When they got back I told them I wanted them to view me dying the same way they viewed my brother going away. One thing led to another and they told the rest of the family about ny suicidality so I would get some more support. I ended up moving back in with them when my living situation collapsed.

Don't intend on doing any more disclosure. Will just end myself. I am increasingly feeling like I'd like to do it in August, when there is a "gap in my calendar", but I recently booked a holiday to Rome for my birthday next March, so I should probably decide to cling on until then and kill myself in April. Depends to an extent on… I should stop talking as this is the Recovery forum.

 

[F@#$]

I did once a long time ago. Won't make that mistake again. Someone I thought would maybe... I don't know what I expected. What I got was shame and ridicule. Oh well they made it onto my revenge list so we'll see who has the last laugh.

 

[BojackHorseman]

Many people know I have "issues" but only 2 people know just how deeply they run. One is very supportive of the pro choice idea after all options have been explored, the other was not as accepting and I very much regret telling her.

 

[heavyeyes]

Absolutely not. They would try to interfere with my plans and I don't want to get forcefully hospitalized

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have in the past. Mainly people who clearly felt the same way. It was nice to have peer support. I don't now because it feels more likely that I will do it some day. I'm not looking to 'recover' either (even though I strayed into the recovery section just now) and so, there's nothing anyone could really do to help me and I don't want them to stop me.

I feel like- if they knew I was suicidal and I end up doing it, they may feel guilty that they didn't do enough to help me. If they don't know though, they wouldn't know to try and 'help'. I'm hoping that might be some comfort. Plus- I'll say that in my note.

 

[catnowmeowmeow]

I have told a few friends and they've tried to help with support and things like that, one got frustrated and started trying to say they "don't believe in self harm" and told me to find god so I shut up about it real quick. One didn't know how yo react and didn't say anything and one said to give him year first before I do it.