I just embarrassed myself with the e-girl at my clinic. I tried to approach her but I was so socially awkward. I think it was hard for her not to chuckle. I went through hell because of it. (made me pretty self-loathing and suicidal) But at least I tried it. Most women in that clinic don't interest me. I don't have any problems to talk with them. But the ones who interest me make me nervous as fuck. Tbh I think we never would have fitted together anyway.
At the clinic we also sometimes talk about my future. And I downplay my suicidality. I study part-time and it is a living hell. In october college continues for me. My parents say it is okay to leave it but they want me to try something else. Tbh I don't see any sense in that. Actually I am even too ill for being in the clinic I am currently in. It overburdens me. It stresses me too much.
I think I have reached my pain limit. And I have communicated it to some people. It is the reason why I am in the clinic. College demanded insane self-discipline and swallowing insane pain. I more and more think this was a once in a life time time period. I told someone some weeks ago I might need 6 weeks to recover. I knew this was a ridiulous statement. Now I have 6 months and tbh I don't think that's enough. I could imagine after this time period I might be able to stomach at maximum 2-3 semesters. Then I had to take a break again. And it is very unlikely I will ever be able to work. Moreover, I developed big somatic symptoms that prove my demise. My blood pressure is way too low while my pulse is insanely high almost all the time.
I have some things still on my bucket list. Reading: (finishing) Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Broom of the system, and Infinite Jest all from David Foster Wallace. Experiencing true mutual love is pretty high on my bucket list. However, I would not take anyone. I seemingly have autism besides all my other conditions which makes it incredible hard to find a significant other. I am on dating websites but they make me so fucking depressed. I think I have to spend a lot of money to find someone who fits to my niche interests. I might will do that after recovering from humiliating myself to approach women in that clinic. I hate myself so much for it that I really prefer my alter-ego noname223. In this forum I am less needy.
Today I have sent my two closest friends a voice message. I told them I consider to kill myself in october and whether they want to know my plans when it becomes concrete again. They were the ones who stopped me from killing myself the last time and convinced me to go in a clinic. But they told me it was extremely stressful for them dealing with someone acute suicidal.
I have SN here at home. And I have the feeling my impulsiveness could let me beat my SI. Especially if I experiences another one hundred narcissistic injuries.
I have more and more doubts whether I will still be alive in two years. I think a rational suicide would be the most logical conclusion considering how much I tried to recover and how much of that totally backfired.
In my case I will go with: It is like 50/50 whether I will be dead or alive
At the clinic we also sometimes talk about my future. And I downplay my suicidality. I study part-time and it is a living hell. In october college continues for me. My parents say it is okay to leave it but they want me to try something else. Tbh I don't see any sense in that. Actually I am even too ill for being in the clinic I am currently in. It overburdens me. It stresses me too much.
I think I have reached my pain limit. And I have communicated it to some people. It is the reason why I am in the clinic. College demanded insane self-discipline and swallowing insane pain. I more and more think this was a once in a life time time period. I told someone some weeks ago I might need 6 weeks to recover. I knew this was a ridiulous statement. Now I have 6 months and tbh I don't think that's enough. I could imagine after this time period I might be able to stomach at maximum 2-3 semesters. Then I had to take a break again. And it is very unlikely I will ever be able to work. Moreover, I developed big somatic symptoms that prove my demise. My blood pressure is way too low while my pulse is insanely high almost all the time.
I have some things still on my bucket list. Reading: (finishing) Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Broom of the system, and Infinite Jest all from David Foster Wallace. Experiencing true mutual love is pretty high on my bucket list. However, I would not take anyone. I seemingly have autism besides all my other conditions which makes it incredible hard to find a significant other. I am on dating websites but they make me so fucking depressed. I think I have to spend a lot of money to find someone who fits to my niche interests. I might will do that after recovering from humiliating myself to approach women in that clinic. I hate myself so much for it that I really prefer my alter-ego noname223. In this forum I am less needy.
Today I have sent my two closest friends a voice message. I told them I consider to kill myself in october and whether they want to know my plans when it becomes concrete again. They were the ones who stopped me from killing myself the last time and convinced me to go in a clinic. But they told me it was extremely stressful for them dealing with someone acute suicidal.
I have SN here at home. And I have the feeling my impulsiveness could let me beat my SI. Especially if I experiences another one hundred narcissistic injuries.
I have more and more doubts whether I will still be alive in two years. I think a rational suicide would be the most logical conclusion considering how much I tried to recover and how much of that totally backfired.
In my case I will go with: It is like 50/50 whether I will be dead or alive
