lavendermeadows
Member
- Aug 13, 2023
- 49
almost exactly two years ago my mom committed suicide while I was pregnant with my second child at 21. I am now 23. ever since then I lost everything. it ruined me. she was complicit in very calculated abuse toward me when I was a child. her ex husband tortured and sexually abused me from ages of 3-16. she never cared. she was always barred out, drunk, and mean. she popped out three children I was fully responsible for by the time I was 14. I guess that is why I had kids young. I thought that was my only use and purpose. I was a task performing robot my entire life just trying to avoid being abused. my entire life was a nightmare. when I was 16 she sent me away to live with my aunt after I began speaking out on the abuse.
she did the same to my one of my sisters years ago except she sent my sister to Africa with a stranger (who also abused my sister) and basically never talked to her again. after leaving at 16 I didn't speak to my mom or siblings for years. at 18 I ran from my aunts back to my moms and took back all claims of abuse and even convinced myself it never happened. at this point she was divorced to my sexual abuser anyways and with a new guy I liked. she kicked me out after a month and went to live with my boyfriend who I had my two kids with and stayed with for six years. he cheated on me over and over. I was dependent on him and refused to leave. I know he never loved me. I was his incubator. but regardless of that I loved being a mom. had a job I LOVED I stayed at for three years. I was HAPPIER THAN I EVER WAS.
eventually me and my mom end up on and off. two weeks before my mom committed suicide I gave her the chance to visit my home. turns out her new man (at this point they had stayed together years) had cheated on her. she got extremely drunk and it was a disturbing sight. she then admitted she believed I was sexually abused but denied it was her ex husband and told me it was my bio dad (it wasn't) told me that I helped her a lot with my sisters bc she had postpartum depression (how do you think I felt?!) and this I will never forget.
looked at me in the eyes while crying saying she tried to break the cycle.
I shrugged my shoulders in reply to it all. next thing you know I am losing it and just waiting for her to sober up and go home. well of course her car breaks down and she drove from 3 hrs away so now she was stuck. I take my son and go to my sons fathers parents house (he wasn't at home w me bc he hated my mom) and came up with an excuse. the last time I saw her she was calling her man to come get her with tears in her eyes. the last time I saw her she was crying. I had to leave my own home. I left her alone there. When I was gone, she stole my stash of med refills I had been picking up but not taking due to my pregnancy.
I sobbed and sobbed for days. something about everything was disturbing to me. I never wanted to talk to her again I told myself.
two weeks later I wake up extra early for no reason. my bf nor son were even awake yet. I go out in the living room. missed called and voicemails. it was from my moms man, and the voicemail was just screaming basically. so high pitched I thought it was her and they had got in a fight and she didn't have her phone.
"She killed herself" I can relive that moment like I'm there. I can see it from a birds eye view, me standing in my apartment with my phone in hand. I just dissociated entirely. when I got the toxicology report it turned out while I was gone she stole all my meds and used that to OD and kill herself.
from that day on I could no longer work. now here's my confessions. started to smoke weed the rest of pregnancy. stopped going to appointments. I was no longer ready for another baby (that I WANTED AND TRIED FOR) and was in denial. I ignored the kicks. Even when I was in labor I refused to go to the hospital and tried to just stay home. CPS was called on me right at birth for the THC. it was traumatic.
my boyfriend cheated more and more. I did nothing but binge eat. I was SO SAD. SO EMPTY. NOTHING. I think I didn't shower for three months. My mom was paying my phone but it got shut off so I lost all contact to the outside world (had no wi-fi and no money bc I couldn't work anymore) and day in day out spent my days trying to care for my son while my bf was at work while I just wanted to die and was alone.
shortly after having my second son my boyfriend left me for the girl he was cheating with. this sent me over the edge. I went into postpartum psychosis and was hospitalized three times in three months. I have been an alcoholic ever since. do drugs. lost my two kids to their dad who is the reason I totally lost it to that level and now they're in another state and court has been prolonged bc he moved states in the middle of our existing case so I havent seen them in a year. they call the new girl mom. Lost all my independence and live with back with my aunt (same one who took me in at 16) but no one gets it.
I have gotten sober just to relapse. I did months of intensive therapy twice a week. Even paid $800 out of pocket to find a trauma specialist. She was great. But no one can help me. My current career is being a prostitute, porn, stripping, and OnlyFans. I even have a pimp who takes all my money and somehow my family doesn't even know.
My kids don't know me and my moms death anniversary is in two weeks. There is no reason to be alive.
That's it. It's hopeless. Please if you read this can you tell me you did… my whole life no one has listened. I don't know how I am ending it tonight as I haven't been able to find SN but I have decided I am done in five hours.
thank you for listening. it's been a sad life. abuse. betrayal. 23 years. I can't stop sobbing. I am done.
forgot to mention I blew all 30K in my moms life insurance and found out her new man abused my other two sibling (who weren't in Africa) and did things like force them to watch gore, molested them, etc. they're only 10 and 11. KEEP IN MIND I RAISED THEM AS BABIES. That was the final straw.
I thought he was a nice man but he wasn't. there is no one you can trust. why live in pain
she did the same to my one of my sisters years ago except she sent my sister to Africa with a stranger (who also abused my sister) and basically never talked to her again. after leaving at 16 I didn't speak to my mom or siblings for years. at 18 I ran from my aunts back to my moms and took back all claims of abuse and even convinced myself it never happened. at this point she was divorced to my sexual abuser anyways and with a new guy I liked. she kicked me out after a month and went to live with my boyfriend who I had my two kids with and stayed with for six years. he cheated on me over and over. I was dependent on him and refused to leave. I know he never loved me. I was his incubator. but regardless of that I loved being a mom. had a job I LOVED I stayed at for three years. I was HAPPIER THAN I EVER WAS.
eventually me and my mom end up on and off. two weeks before my mom committed suicide I gave her the chance to visit my home. turns out her new man (at this point they had stayed together years) had cheated on her. she got extremely drunk and it was a disturbing sight. she then admitted she believed I was sexually abused but denied it was her ex husband and told me it was my bio dad (it wasn't) told me that I helped her a lot with my sisters bc she had postpartum depression (how do you think I felt?!) and this I will never forget.
looked at me in the eyes while crying saying she tried to break the cycle.
I shrugged my shoulders in reply to it all. next thing you know I am losing it and just waiting for her to sober up and go home. well of course her car breaks down and she drove from 3 hrs away so now she was stuck. I take my son and go to my sons fathers parents house (he wasn't at home w me bc he hated my mom) and came up with an excuse. the last time I saw her she was calling her man to come get her with tears in her eyes. the last time I saw her she was crying. I had to leave my own home. I left her alone there. When I was gone, she stole my stash of med refills I had been picking up but not taking due to my pregnancy.
I sobbed and sobbed for days. something about everything was disturbing to me. I never wanted to talk to her again I told myself.
two weeks later I wake up extra early for no reason. my bf nor son were even awake yet. I go out in the living room. missed called and voicemails. it was from my moms man, and the voicemail was just screaming basically. so high pitched I thought it was her and they had got in a fight and she didn't have her phone.
"She killed herself" I can relive that moment like I'm there. I can see it from a birds eye view, me standing in my apartment with my phone in hand. I just dissociated entirely. when I got the toxicology report it turned out while I was gone she stole all my meds and used that to OD and kill herself.
from that day on I could no longer work. now here's my confessions. started to smoke weed the rest of pregnancy. stopped going to appointments. I was no longer ready for another baby (that I WANTED AND TRIED FOR) and was in denial. I ignored the kicks. Even when I was in labor I refused to go to the hospital and tried to just stay home. CPS was called on me right at birth for the THC. it was traumatic.
my boyfriend cheated more and more. I did nothing but binge eat. I was SO SAD. SO EMPTY. NOTHING. I think I didn't shower for three months. My mom was paying my phone but it got shut off so I lost all contact to the outside world (had no wi-fi and no money bc I couldn't work anymore) and day in day out spent my days trying to care for my son while my bf was at work while I just wanted to die and was alone.
shortly after having my second son my boyfriend left me for the girl he was cheating with. this sent me over the edge. I went into postpartum psychosis and was hospitalized three times in three months. I have been an alcoholic ever since. do drugs. lost my two kids to their dad who is the reason I totally lost it to that level and now they're in another state and court has been prolonged bc he moved states in the middle of our existing case so I havent seen them in a year. they call the new girl mom. Lost all my independence and live with back with my aunt (same one who took me in at 16) but no one gets it.
I have gotten sober just to relapse. I did months of intensive therapy twice a week. Even paid $800 out of pocket to find a trauma specialist. She was great. But no one can help me. My current career is being a prostitute, porn, stripping, and OnlyFans. I even have a pimp who takes all my money and somehow my family doesn't even know.
My kids don't know me and my moms death anniversary is in two weeks. There is no reason to be alive.
That's it. It's hopeless. Please if you read this can you tell me you did… my whole life no one has listened. I don't know how I am ending it tonight as I haven't been able to find SN but I have decided I am done in five hours.
thank you for listening. it's been a sad life. abuse. betrayal. 23 years. I can't stop sobbing. I am done.
forgot to mention I blew all 30K in my moms life insurance and found out her new man abused my other two sibling (who weren't in Africa) and did things like force them to watch gore, molested them, etc. they're only 10 and 11. KEEP IN MIND I RAISED THEM AS BABIES. That was the final straw.
I thought he was a nice man but he wasn't. there is no one you can trust. why live in pain
