please someone listen to me one last time. tonight is the night. I want to go knowing one person listened even if they didn’t care.

[lavendermeadows]

my job firing me solidified I need to try harder to die

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

I'm sorry. I hope you find some peace.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

almost exactly two years ago my mom committed suicide while I was pregnant with my second child at 21. I am now 23. ever since then I lost everything. it ruined me. she was complicit in very calculated abuse toward me when I was a child. her ex husband tortured and sexually abused me from ages of 3-16. she never cared. she was always barred out, drunk, and mean. she popped out three children I was fully responsible for by the time I was 14. I guess that is why I had kids young. I thought that was my only use and purpose. I was a task performing robot my entire life just trying to avoid being abused. my entire life was a nightmare. when I was 16 she sent me away to live with my aunt after I began speaking out on the abuse.

she did the same to my one of my sisters years ago except she sent my sister to Africa with a stranger (who also abused my sister) and basically never talked to her again. after leaving at 16 I didn't speak to my mom or siblings for years. at 18 I ran from my aunts back to my moms and took back all claims of abuse and even convinced myself it never happened. at this point she was divorced to my sexual abuser anyways and with a new guy I liked. she kicked me out after a month and went to live with my boyfriend who I had my two kids with and stayed with for six years. he cheated on me over and over. I was dependent on him and refused to leave. I know he never loved me. I was his incubator. but regardless of that I loved being a mom. had a job I LOVED I stayed at for three years. I was HAPPIER THAN I EVER WAS.

eventually me and my mom end up on and off. two weeks before my mom committed suicide I gave her the chance to visit my home. turns out her new man (at this point they had stayed together years) had cheated on her. she got extremely drunk and it was a disturbing sight. she then admitted she believed I was sexually abused but denied it was her ex husband and told me it was my bio dad (it wasn't) told me that I helped her a lot with my sisters bc she had postpartum depression (how do you think I felt?!) and this I will never forget.

looked at me in the eyes while crying saying she tried to break the cycle.

I shrugged my shoulders in reply to it all. next thing you know I am losing it and just waiting for her to sober up and go home. well of course her car breaks down and she drove from 3 hrs away so now she was stuck. I take my son and go to my sons fathers parents house (he wasn't at home w me bc he hated my mom) and came up with an excuse. the last time I saw her she was calling her man to come get her with tears in her eyes. the last time I saw her she was crying. I had to leave my own home. I left her alone there. When I was gone, she stole my stash of med refills I had been picking up but not taking due to my pregnancy.

I sobbed and sobbed for days. something about everything was disturbing to me. I never wanted to talk to her again I told myself.

two weeks later I wake up extra early for no reason. my bf nor son were even awake yet. I go out in the living room. missed called and voicemails. it was from my moms man, and the voicemail was just screaming basically. so high pitched I thought it was her and they had got in a fight and she didn't have her phone.

"She killed herself" I can relive that moment like I'm there. I can see it from a birds eye view, me standing in my apartment with my phone in hand. I just dissociated entirely. when I got the toxicology report it turned out while I was gone she stole all my meds and used that to OD and kill herself.

from that day on I could no longer work. now here's my confessions. started to smoke weed the rest of pregnancy. stopped going to appointments. I was no longer ready for another baby (that I WANTED AND TRIED FOR) and was in denial. I ignored the kicks. Even when I was in labor I refused to go to the hospital and tried to just stay home. CPS was called on me right at birth for the THC. it was traumatic.

my boyfriend cheated more and more. I did nothing but binge eat. I was SO SAD. SO EMPTY. NOTHING. I think I didn't shower for three months. My mom was paying my phone but it got shut off so I lost all contact to the outside world (had no wi-fi and no money bc I couldn't work anymore) and day in day out spent my days trying to care for my son while my bf was at work while I just wanted to die and was alone.

shortly after having my second son my boyfriend left me for the girl he was cheating with. this sent me over the edge. I went into postpartum psychosis and was hospitalized three times in three months. I have been an alcoholic ever since. do drugs. lost my two kids to their dad who is the reason I totally lost it to that level and now they're in another state and court has been prolonged bc he moved states in the middle of our existing case so I havent seen them in a year. they call the new girl mom. Lost all my independence and live with back with my aunt (same one who took me in at 16) but no one gets it.

I have gotten sober just to relapse. I did months of intensive therapy twice a week. Even paid $800 out of pocket to find a trauma specialist. She was great. But no one can help me. My current career is being a prostitute, porn, stripping, and OnlyFans. I even have a pimp who takes all my money and somehow my family doesn't even know.

My kids don't know me and my moms death anniversary is in two weeks. There is no reason to be alive.

That's it. It's hopeless. Please if you read this can you tell me you did… my whole life no one has listened. I don't know how I am ending it tonight as I haven't been able to find SN but I have decided I am done in five hours.

thank you for listening. it's been a sad life. abuse. betrayal. 23 years. I can't stop sobbing. I am done.
forgot to mention I blew all 30K in my moms life insurance and found out her new man abused my other two sibling (who weren't in Africa) and did things like force them to watch gore, molested them, etc. they're only 10 and 11. KEEP IN MIND I RAISED THEM AS BABIES. That was the final straw.
I thought he was a nice man but he wasn't. there is no one you can trust. why live in pain

I'm so sorry for your pain

 

[J&L383]

You have endured far more trauma and abuse than I ever could have. I hope there's an afterlife, and you will certainly be blessed there. .

 

[kwittywhiskerzz!..]

I'm so sorry!

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

my job firing me solidified I need to try harder to die

Maybe you can try to get another job? I feel similarly though, if I lose my current job, I feel like it'd push me that much closer.

 

[Kit1]

Dear Lavendermeadows,

I am so sorry for all you have endured, been cruelly subjected to and for having to living with the aftermath as wrll as the trauma. I read every single word of what you wrote - more than once and you have been subjected to untold suffering and torture. No child should ever be subjected to rape, abuse or pain - and for it over such a prolonged time during formative and the battles have been non stop all your life. Whilst I was reading what you wrote and how you became a young mother to your younger siblings when you yourself was a child, I remembered what someone once told me about a lotus. A lotus looks beautiful, but it often grows in muddy water and somehow holds on to its dignity - that reflected in so much of what you still managed to achieve despite your horror and struggles - and your caring nature shone through. I am thinking of you, wishing that everything will work out positively for you (whatever form that might be) and hoping that you find peace in your life. I, alongside so many others who have commented here, send our pure love, thoughts and wishes. Lots of Love.

 

[Hotsackage]

Wish you peace and love

 

[Dliena]

Very sorry that you endured so so too much in this cruel life and I can only wish you eternal peace that you deserve very much OP.

 

[Malaria]

I read all of it. I'm sorry you went through all that trauma. I hope whoever abused you burns in hell, if such a place even exists.

 

[nofunclub]

I read what you wrote, and I'm so sorry for how much you have suffered.

 

[mighthavebeen]

almost exactly two years ago my mom committed suicide while I was pregnant with my second child at 21. I am now 23. ever since then I lost everything. it ruined me. she was complicit in very calculated abuse toward me when I was a child. her ex husband tortured and sexually abused me from ages of 3-16. she never cared. she was always barred out, drunk, and mean. she popped out three children I was fully responsible for by the time I was 14. I guess that is why I had kids young. I thought that was my only use and purpose. I was a task performing robot my entire life just trying to avoid being abused. my entire life was a nightmare. when I was 16 she sent me away to live with my aunt after I began speaking out on the abuse.

she did the same to my one of my sisters years ago except she sent my sister to Africa with a stranger (who also abused my sister) and basically never talked to her again. after leaving at 16 I didn't speak to my mom or siblings for years. at 18 I ran from my aunts back to my moms and took back all claims of abuse and even convinced myself it never happened. at this point she was divorced to my sexual abuser anyways and with a new guy I liked. she kicked me out after a month and went to live with my boyfriend who I had my two kids with and stayed with for six years. he cheated on me over and over. I was dependent on him and refused to leave. I know he never loved me. I was his incubator. but regardless of that I loved being a mom. had a job I LOVED I stayed at for three years. I was HAPPIER THAN I EVER WAS.

eventually me and my mom end up on and off. two weeks before my mom committed suicide I gave her the chance to visit my home. turns out her new man (at this point they had stayed together years) had cheated on her. she got extremely drunk and it was a disturbing sight. she then admitted she believed I was sexually abused but denied it was her ex husband and told me it was my bio dad (it wasn't) told me that I helped her a lot with my sisters bc she had postpartum depression (how do you think I felt?!) and this I will never forget.

looked at me in the eyes while crying saying she tried to break the cycle.

I shrugged my shoulders in reply to it all. next thing you know I am losing it and just waiting for her to sober up and go home. well of course her car breaks down and she drove from 3 hrs away so now she was stuck. I take my son and go to my sons fathers parents house (he wasn't at home w me bc he hated my mom) and came up with an excuse. the last time I saw her she was calling her man to come get her with tears in her eyes. the last time I saw her she was crying. I had to leave my own home. I left her alone there. When I was gone, she stole my stash of med refills I had been picking up but not taking due to my pregnancy.

I sobbed and sobbed for days. something about everything was disturbing to me. I never wanted to talk to her again I told myself.

two weeks later I wake up extra early for no reason. my bf nor son were even awake yet. I go out in the living room. missed called and voicemails. it was from my moms man, and the voicemail was just screaming basically. so high pitched I thought it was her and they had got in a fight and she didn't have her phone.

"She killed herself" I can relive that moment like I'm there. I can see it from a birds eye view, me standing in my apartment with my phone in hand. I just dissociated entirely. when I got the toxicology report it turned out while I was gone she stole all my meds and used that to OD and kill herself.

from that day on I could no longer work. now here's my confessions. started to smoke weed the rest of pregnancy. stopped going to appointments. I was no longer ready for another baby (that I WANTED AND TRIED FOR) and was in denial. I ignored the kicks. Even when I was in labor I refused to go to the hospital and tried to just stay home. CPS was called on me right at birth for the THC. it was traumatic.

my boyfriend cheated more and more. I did nothing but binge eat. I was SO SAD. SO EMPTY. NOTHING. I think I didn't shower for three months. My mom was paying my phone but it got shut off so I lost all contact to the outside world (had no wi-fi and no money bc I couldn't work anymore) and day in day out spent my days trying to care for my son while my bf was at work while I just wanted to die and was alone.

shortly after having my second son my boyfriend left me for the girl he was cheating with. this sent me over the edge. I went into postpartum psychosis and was hospitalized three times in three months. I have been an alcoholic ever since. do drugs. lost my two kids to their dad who is the reason I totally lost it to that level and now they're in another state and court has been prolonged bc he moved states in the middle of our existing case so I havent seen them in a year. they call the new girl mom. Lost all my independence and live with back with my aunt (same one who took me in at 16) but no one gets it.

I have gotten sober just to relapse. I did months of intensive therapy twice a week. Even paid $800 out of pocket to find a trauma specialist. She was great. But no one can help me. My current career is being a prostitute, porn, stripping, and OnlyFans. I even have a pimp who takes all my money and somehow my family doesn't even know.

My kids don't know me and my moms death anniversary is in two weeks. There is no reason to be alive.

That's it. It's hopeless. Please if you read this can you tell me you did… my whole life no one has listened. I don't know how I am ending it tonight as I haven't been able to find SN but I have decided I am done in five hours.

thank you for listening. it's been a sad life. abuse. betrayal. 23 years. I can't stop sobbing. I am done.
forgot to mention I blew all 30K in my moms life insurance and found out her new man abused my other two sibling (who weren't in Africa) and did things like force them to watch gore, molested them, etc. they're only 10 and 11. KEEP IN MIND I RAISED THEM AS BABIES. That was the final straw.
I thought he was a nice man but he wasn't. there is no one you can trust. why live in pain

I am so sad for you. You deserved better. I truly hope you find peace

 

[lavendermeadows]

You have endured far more trauma and abuse than I ever could have. I hope there's an afterlife, and you will certainly be blessed there. .

what if I did something wrong in my previous life to deserve this? I always wonder if that's the case

 

[amra81nz]

what if I did something wrong in my previous life to deserve this? I always wonder if that's the case

I've never believed that sort of thing myself. What's the point of punishment if you don't know what it's for?

 

[waitingforme]

You are heard and we see you. Whatever your decision I wish peace for you.

 

[Regen]

I feel sad and horrified by what you have had to experience throughout your life. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words.

I have read everything you wrote. I see your pain. I feel your desperation and your longing and your powerlessness. If you decide to postpone your suicide, I recommend that you continue trauma therapy and study Buddhism. Sometimes it's amazing who manages to continue living their life despite the worst experiences.

But I can also completely understand you when you say that you can't go on anymore and the pain is too great. Your energy will not be lost, your soul will find a new purpose in life and maybe you will create something absolutely great in the next life. Because I see an incredible loving heart in you, full of warmth and compassion and devotion. I wish you the experience of being welcomed, hugged, held and the feeling of unconditional love. I see you. Much love to you.

 

[MortalityScares]

I am listening and I am sorry. I hope you find peace.

 

[Kit1]

what if I did something wrong in my previous life to deserve this? I always wonder if that's the case

Lavendermeadows, you did not do anything wrong in this life or any other life to be abused. Abuse is wrong and criminal in every sense possible. You were a mere child when it began. Think of every baby, toddler and child you see and tell me that you think that they mightvdeserve to be be abused because of something they might have done in their previous life (karma)? You are the victim in all of this. Untold, horrible, monstrous crimes were committed against you from an age where you would not have had the ability to fight back - even for adults, often people are trapped in abusive relationships, freeze during rape etc - and those crimes are the faults of the perpetrators (and those who support or minimise the effects of these of these crimes) and never the fault of the victims - and you were a baby, toddler, child. When we are abused you as children, unfortunately we are more likely to.experience abuse as adults as we don't necessarily have the confidence, voice or strength to fight - and those blood thirsty hounds/animals/criminals can sniff put the easiest people to victimise even when we are adults. Really we should not be the ones to be condemned to a life of misery, suicidal ideation and all the negative soul destroying outcomes that we face - if anything please try and be kind to yourself (which I appreciate is hard ad I struggle with this despite everything I have written here) - but please try. You have not done anything wrong and have turned out to be a lovely person.

 

[wishfulthinking1967]

Absolutely heartbreaking to hear your story.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

well it didn't work and I'm pissed and to top things off I literally just got fired from my job rn. the only thing in my life I liked. why is dying so hard

I'm so sorry, that's such an unfortunate development of events :(
Ctb really is hard...I hope you're holding on as best as you can, must be so revolting... I wish you the best, you really need some peace

 

[lita-lassi]

read your whole story. youre heard and people here care. im so sorry nothing helped i hope you find peace whatever decisions you make

 

[Parnate]

almost exactly two years ago my mom committed suicide while I was pregnant with my second child at 21. I am now 23. ever since then I lost everything. it ruined me. she was complicit in very calculated abuse toward me when I was a child. her ex husband tortured and sexually abused me from ages of 3-16. she never cared. she was always barred out, drunk, and mean. she popped out three children I was fully responsible for by the time I was 14. I guess that is why I had kids young. I thought that was my only use and purpose. I was a task performing robot my entire life just trying to avoid being abused. my entire life was a nightmare. when I was 16 she sent me away to live with my aunt after I began speaking out on the abuse.

she did the same to my one of my sisters years ago except she sent my sister to Africa with a stranger (who also abused my sister) and basically never talked to her again. after leaving at 16 I didn't speak to my mom or siblings for years. at 18 I ran from my aunts back to my moms and took back all claims of abuse and even convinced myself it never happened. at this point she was divorced to my sexual abuser anyways and with a new guy I liked. she kicked me out after a month and went to live with my boyfriend who I had my two kids with and stayed with for six years. he cheated on me over and over. I was dependent on him and refused to leave. I know he never loved me. I was his incubator. but regardless of that I loved being a mom. had a job I LOVED I stayed at for three years. I was HAPPIER THAN I EVER WAS.

eventually me and my mom end up on and off. two weeks before my mom committed suicide I gave her the chance to visit my home. turns out her new man (at this point they had stayed together years) had cheated on her. she got extremely drunk and it was a disturbing sight. she then admitted she believed I was sexually abused but denied it was her ex husband and told me it was my bio dad (it wasn't) told me that I helped her a lot with my sisters bc she had postpartum depression (how do you think I felt?!) and this I will never forget.

looked at me in the eyes while crying saying she tried to break the cycle.

I shrugged my shoulders in reply to it all. next thing you know I am losing it and just waiting for her to sober up and go home. well of course her car breaks down and she drove from 3 hrs away so now she was stuck. I take my son and go to my sons fathers parents house (he wasn't at home w me bc he hated my mom) and came up with an excuse. the last time I saw her she was calling her man to come get her with tears in her eyes. the last time I saw her she was crying. I had to leave my own home. I left her alone there. When I was gone, she stole my stash of med refills I had been picking up but not taking due to my pregnancy.

I sobbed and sobbed for days. something about everything was disturbing to me. I never wanted to talk to her again I told myself.

two weeks later I wake up extra early for no reason. my bf nor son were even awake yet. I go out in the living room. missed called and voicemails. it was from my moms man, and the voicemail was just screaming basically. so high pitched I thought it was her and they had got in a fight and she didn't have her phone.

"She killed herself" I can relive that moment like I'm there. I can see it from a birds eye view, me standing in my apartment with my phone in hand. I just dissociated entirely. when I got the toxicology report it turned out while I was gone she stole all my meds and used that to OD and kill herself.

from that day on I could no longer work. now here's my confessions. started to smoke weed the rest of pregnancy. stopped going to appointments. I was no longer ready for another baby (that I WANTED AND TRIED FOR) and was in denial. I ignored the kicks. Even when I was in labor I refused to go to the hospital and tried to just stay home. CPS was called on me right at birth for the THC. it was traumatic.

my boyfriend cheated more and more. I did nothing but binge eat. I was SO SAD. SO EMPTY. NOTHING. I think I didn't shower for three months. My mom was paying my phone but it got shut off so I lost all contact to the outside world (had no wi-fi and no money bc I couldn't work anymore) and day in day out spent my days trying to care for my son while my bf was at work while I just wanted to die and was alone.

shortly after having my second son my boyfriend left me for the girl he was cheating with. this sent me over the edge. I went into postpartum psychosis and was hospitalized three times in three months. I have been an alcoholic ever since. do drugs. lost my two kids to their dad who is the reason I totally lost it to that level and now they're in another state and court has been prolonged bc he moved states in the middle of our existing case so I havent seen them in a year. they call the new girl mom. Lost all my independence and live with back with my aunt (same one who took me in at 16) but no one gets it.

I have gotten sober just to relapse. I did months of intensive therapy twice a week. Even paid $800 out of pocket to find a trauma specialist. She was great. But no one can help me. My current career is being a prostitute, porn, stripping, and OnlyFans. I even have a pimp who takes all my money and somehow my family doesn't even know.

My kids don't know me and my moms death anniversary is in two weeks. There is no reason to be alive.

That's it. It's hopeless. Please if you read this can you tell me you did… my whole life no one has listened. I don't know how I am ending it tonight as I haven't been able to find SN but I have decided I am done in five hours.

thank you for listening. it's been a sad life. abuse. betrayal. 23 years. I can't stop sobbing. I am done.
forgot to mention I blew all 30K in my moms life insurance and found out her new man abused my other two sibling (who weren't in Africa) and did things like force them to watch gore, molested them, etc. they're only 10 and 11. KEEP IN MIND I RAISED THEM AS BABIES. That was the final straw.
I thought he was a nice man but he wasn't. there is no one you can trust. why live in pain

I am so sorry for you and all that you went through. You have really been a very nice and caring person but life has been so unfair. I hope and pray it gets better for you.

 

[errorsinmypast]

So sorry you've had to endure so tragedy and pain and all at such a terribly young age. There are no words of reassurance I can give you other than to say I read every word you wrote and sent you virtual love and well wishes, you deserve eternal peace and I hope somehow you find it

 

[thedevilwithin]

read every word and all i can say is i'm heartbroken for you. i am so sorry for the amount of pain and torment you have endured. i don't know if you're still here but i'm so so sorry. the circumstances that were handed to you were so unfair. sending you so much love and comfort my friend.. :(