Help Please save me I don't want to die.

[locked1012]

im like very suicidal and i have got hands into something that would allow me for suicide(potassium nitrite) and I have it all planned, dates and steps for ctb but I give it two months and I would like to see if anything can change my mind or if life gets any better but basically I have no reason to live, Im not even a floater friend (like close friend to anyone)like I actually do not have a single person to talk to or hang out to, my whole life is just me trying to process everything myself. then i was in a one year relationship, i ruined my relationship, which i cheated on him and I feel very guilty but its a permanent mistake and therefore he is unwilling to be with me anymore and he was the only person I spoke to to and now Im sure even if I actually died he wouldn't know even if he does he wouldn't care. I think I should have never let him in my life when I was such a miserable person myself. i told him that n he kept telling me he would help me n fix me n he kinda did n now i hurt him n ruined his life. I have no one to tell any of this to, I cannot talk to my family about this, I decided to kill myself but Im scared to upset my parents and grandparents, I love them but I just can't talk about any of this to them. I have no other thoughts but to commit suicide. I do not have anything holding me back from doing it like i cant even think of anything, i dont see things ever getting better even if it does ik it will get worse again cuz it always does and i do not want to upset my family and Im kinda scared of the pain and what happens after death but Im a horrible person so I feel like Im going to hell anyways. I always have been like this and has been suicidal for years and i always thought it can get a little better it might have but Im always back to this stage of having suicidal thoughts and depression. Its not a temporary phase cuz its been happening since i was like 13 and im now 20, i have been praying to god to like die for years sometimes like every day sometimes maybe it'll stop for a day or a bit but always i still come back to that one wish, I have even made like countless birthday wishes and prayed so many times for death since no one ever seem to pay no attention because im always like a cheerful n silly person to others but deep down im so sad and lonely.I always think sharing my emotions to others make me a burden and its embarrassing but not I have no other choice. But at the same time I feel like my parents will also be happier, well i know my dad cheated on my mom and I found that out before my mom did and i told nobody, it happened when i was 15 and recently probably couple months ago my dad kinda confessed to me about this not knowing I knew everything and he added if it wasnt me hed be with someone else instead of being stucked with my mom, im just a burden to everyone. I feel so bad because sometimes i kinda want all my family to die so i can die without upsetting anyone. I know sounds stupid like im tryna commit over a relationship which i horrid but its like the final straw and it was kinda the last thing i had.
I really am so scared to die but its like i have no other options so I will give it 60 days if life doesn't get better i'll end the pain for good. Also I had therapy before, I didn't help at all but it made me want to kill myself even more. Lastly, I have heard so many people telling me such as 'move on' 'its not worth it' all those things, it just doesn't help me or make me feel any better. I really want help but I don't know how either, I don't want to die. this is like my last resort. I also wanted to mention that I tried to tell three of my so called friends, one of them joked about it, another said he doesn't wanna be a part of it and last one said he doesn't understand and think nothing is worth taking ur life over for(hes living a great life, loving gf, lots of friends,etc), no ine understands my situation, i don't know if this is a goof place to ask for comfort or help but imma give it a try.

 

[enso]

Hello!

I am sorry that you have to go trough such things

After reading your message I felt that you have this serious inner battle between different parts of yourself. One wants to give life a chance and loves you close ones, another - wants them to die to get out without any attention.

Both of these sides are valid, undoubtably, they are present because of some previous events!

How do you feel, what killing yourself can help with? What is it that you are trying to achieve? As you wrote in your post, it seems like it is guilt, anxiety and...pain too?

Why do you blame yourself? Even if you cheated, it was experience for you and your boyfriend. You both made some conclusions, don't you?

If you look in the past, could you really do something different? With the same thoughts, hormones, emotional state and everything else, could you really do so? I think, it is impossible. You did it, because it had to happen. Could you not meet you boyfriend some time ago? Could you have avoided starting any relationship with him at the moment?

When it comes to other people and friends too, many don't want to involve themselves to such topics. For someone it just sounds unbelievable, that someone can kill himself. Life is different for anyone due to many factors.

About god...what is your religion? If it is not the secret, of course. In my opinion, Christianity and other Abrahamic religions institute a lot of dogmas for this constant blaming of self for eternal repentance.

The best thing right now could be therapy. It seems like you just demand so much from yourself, demand to be perfect daughter, perfect girlfriend, just perfect overall. Life is not perfect, it just is. Psychologist can help with that. If something would be more serious - you would be recommended to go to psychiatrist and this specialist could prescribe you antidepressants if you need them. These are professionals, whose work is to help other people in such situations.

What do you think of that, if it could make you feel better, would you try to make an appointment?

 

[locked1012]

Hello!

I am sorry that you have to go trough such things

After reading your message I felt that you have this serious inner battle between different parts of yourself. One wants to give life a chance and loves you close ones, another - wants them to die to get out without any attention.

Both of these sides are valid, undoubtably, they are present because of some previous events!

How do you feel, what killing yourself can help with? What is it that you are trying to achieve? As you wrote in your post, it seems like it is guilt, anxiety and...pain too?

Why do you blame yourself? Even if you cheated, it was experience for you and your boyfriend. You both made some conclusions, don't you?

If you look in the past, could you really do something different? With the same thoughts, hormones, emotional state and everything else, could you really do so? I think, it is impossible. You did it, because it had to happen. Could you not meet you boyfriend some time ago? Could you have avoided starting any relationship with him at the moment?

When it comes to other people and friends too, many don't want to involve themselves to such topics. For someone it just sounds unbelievable, that someone can kill himself. Life is different for anyone due to many factors.

About god...what is your religion? If it is not the secret, of course. In my opinion, Christianity and other Abrahamic religions institute a lot of dogmas for this constant blaming of self for eternal repentance.

The best thing right now could be therapy. It seems like you just demand so much from yourself, demand to be perfect daughter, perfect girlfriend, just perfect overall. Life is not perfect, it just is. Psychologist can help with that. If something would be more serious - you would be recommended to go to psychiatrist and this specialist could prescribe you antidepressants if you need them. These are professionals, whose work is to help other people in such situations.

What do you think of that, if it could make you feel better, would you try to make an appointment?

No, honestly my ex was the best thing that happened to me he fought so hard got me until he couldn't, I regret every single day of my stupid choice. He fixed me like no one ever did, like he kept complimenting me, telling me Im beautiful, I started to gain confidence and start posting more. But I did this to him in return, I seriously loved him so much so much. Its not only this boyfriend issues but also I have no friends at all to talk to, losing him was the final final hit because he meant the world to me and he knew everything about me and was my comfort person. I never felt so helpless, tried to reach out to my two so called friends one laughed about it another said he doesnt want to be involved in this. Reached out to my ex, he blocked me on everything told me he hates me, one hand im so sad how can he give up on me this easily but i also understand his pain. Its just a lot and worst than ever. This is the only time I ever seek help from others because I never felt this bad, I had suicidal moments but never as bad. Im just trying to grasp on anything I can rn. Regarding why Id wanna kill myself is cause everything seems unfixable, I have nothing to lose, no friends no nothing, I tried fixing it expecting for better for years but I always cam back to the same stage. Lastly, I tried therapy but it wasnt really working , its so frustrating. And lastly my religion is christianity and Im kinda losing faith, I keep begging god to save me but seems like he just doesn't love me and dont care, Im so lost.

 

[Pluto]

 

[enso]

No, honestly my ex was the best thing that happened to me he fought so hard got me until he couldn't, I regret every single day of my stupid choice. He fixed me like no one ever did, like he kept complimenting me, telling me Im beautiful, I started to gain confidence and start posting more. But I did this to him in return, I seriously loved him so much so much. Its not only this boyfriend issues but also I have no friends at all to talk to, losing him was the final final hit because he meant the world to me and he knew everything about me and was my comfort person. I never felt so helpless, tried to reach out to my two so called friends one laughed about it another said he doesnt want to be involved in this. Reached out to my ex, he blocked me on everything told me he hates me, one hand im so sad how can he give up on me this easily but i also understand his pain. Its just a lot and worst than ever. This is the only time I ever seek help from others because I never felt this bad, I had suicidal moments but never as bad. Im just trying to grasp on anything I can rn. Regarding why Id wanna kill myself is cause everything seems unfixable, I have nothing to lose, no friends no nothing, I tried fixing it expecting for better for years but I always cam back to the same stage. Lastly, I tried therapy but it wasnt really working , its so frustrating. And lastly my religion is christianity and Im kinda losing faith, I keep begging god to save me but seems like he just doesn't love me and dont care, Im so lost.

Thanks for your response!

You said that you tried therapy and it didn't work. If it is okay to talk about it, what did you try?

What were recommendations of therapy?

It is really hard to be in such state for a long period of time and you have to have a lot of inner resource to keep trying. I just want to say that some different approaches are needed in this scenario. You already said that things don't improve for years. If that so, can you try to look for different ways? There are different types of therapy - cognitive-behavioral therapy, gestalt therapy, psychoanalysis, exposition therapy. They can work differently for different people. What do you think about it?

What do you think, what you gain from recursions to past? Do you think that reliving these events can make you feel better? This is like a funnel, previous thoughts and mental states become new normal, which lead to new cycle with even more such thoughts and feelings. It is called rumination.

You say that it seems unfixable, but what do you have to fix? If you say that you don't have friends, what exactly do you want to fix there? When it comes to your relationship, how do you think, if you try to grip on those memories, will it help you?

It may seem unfixable, because there is only one point if view right now - yours. It is not bad or good, the matter is that it brings some "tunnel vision" on different matters and that's why different people opinion can be needed, that's why therapy can be useful. You even can just chat with people there and by talking with someone you will understand something about yourself. How do you look on that?

If you believe in Christ, maybe it could be useful to visit church on Sundays if it is accessible? There you can find some community and support too. At least, you can try to do that

 

[PimpHand]

Hello, first of all, before doing anything, breathe deeply and drink fresh water, doing decisions without proper air might worse the situation.

We all make mistakes. Some of us make mistakes that are unfixable. I've made some of them, by impulse, so it might be relatable.

Those people aren't coming back. Neither for me, neither for you.

Sometimes the pain and regret is so unbearable, CTB becomes almost an instinct.

But there might be life after this. First, nobody needs to know. And also, just because you did bad choices doesn't mean you are evil.

Does your mother loves you? You said about your father but what abt her?

You need to find people that will support you. Not an easy task, but not impossible either. Also, this forum and the hotlines canhelp you think better on other situations.

I hope you find joy. You can talk to me at anytime you want :) I love to listen to people.

 

[locked1012]

Hello, first of all, before doing anything, breathe deeply and drink fresh water, doing decisions without proper air might worse the situation.

We all make mistakes. Some of us make mistakes that are unfixable. I've made some of them, by impulse, so it might be relatable.

Those people aren't coming back. Neither for me, neither for you.

Sometimes the pain and regret is so unbearable, CTB becomes almost an instinct.

But there might be life after this. First, nobody needs to know. And also, just because you did bad choices doesn't mean you are evil.

Does your mother loves you? You said about your father but what abt her?

You need to find people that will support you. Not an easy task, but not impossible either. Also, this forum and the hotlines canhelp you think better on other situations.

I hope you find joy. You can talk to me at anytime you want :) I love to listen to people.

Im really struggling to move on, I know I made a bad bad choice but I do love him so much and Im struggling to find friends, I have no one to talk to about anything.

 

[PimpHand]

Im really struggling to move on, I know I made a bad bad choice but I do love him so much and Im struggling to find friends, I have no one to talk to about anything.

You can send me a PM. I can talk to you.