Please just let it be over

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I should be happy, I'm going on an exciting trip to meet a friend, but I still feel this horrible feeling of being crushed, being unable to breathe or relax because something is wrong, something is deeply and irreparably broken inside of me. Both physically and mentally, my digestion is fucked, I think my prostate is damaged, my ears scream with tinnitus, and I sit in my discomfort and pain all day. Every decision I ever made led me to this situation and place.

Nostalgia is so deeply painful, to think of the good times of the past and how they are past, and even with all the money in the world I couldn't return to the world and my life as it was just a few years ago. I wish I had no past and no future, I wish I was an animal that could only think of the present moment. I'm being crushed and it hurts so fucking much.

I can't even explain it, no one understands and I don't have the words to communicate everything wrong with me. I am so incredibly broken. I'm trapped in this miserable existence where every morning I wake up to a new nightmare.

 

[sardonic laugh]

I should be happy, I'm going on an exciting trip to meet a friend, but I still feel this horrible feeling of being crushed, being unable to breathe or relax because something is wrong, something is deeply and irreparably broken inside of me. Both physically and mentally, my digestion is fucked, I think my prostate is damaged, my ears scream with tinnitus, and I sit in my discomfort and pain all day. Every decision I ever made led me to this situation and place.

Nostalgia is so deeply painful, to think of the good times of the past and how they are past, and even with all the money in the world I couldn't return to the world and my life as it was just a few years ago. I wish I had no past and no future, I wish I was an animal that could only think of the present moment. I'm being crushed and it hurts so fucking much.

I can't even explain it, no one understands and I don't have the words to communicate everything wrong with me. I am so incredibly broken. I'm trapped in this miserable existence where every morning I wake up to a new nightmare.

Dear friend, first of all, respect to you for the avatar with Junger. Secondly, have you consulted a doctor about your health problems? How curable is it?
I perfectly understand your nostalgia for the old days... But tell me, would you from that dear time be happy to find out that in the future you only yearn for the past?

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

Secondly, have you consulted a doctor about your health problems? How curable is it?

I have, and sadly all 3 conditions I have are incurable, and the doctor just says to learn to live with them and minimize stress because it makes them worse. I've seen many health professionals and they act like I should be thankful that my conditions aren't deadly, although they hugely affect my quality of life.

I perfectly understand your nostalgia for the old days... But tell me, would you from that dear time be happy to find out that in the future you only yearn for the past?

I don't think I would have felt much different back then if I knew what my future was. I was depressed and suicidal even back then in the past, I never thought I had a happy future. I just didn't realize how much worse it would get.

 

[sardonic laugh]

I have, and sadly all 3 conditions I have are incurable, and the doctor just says to learn to live with them and minimize stress because it makes them worse. I've seen many health professionals and they act like I should be thankful that my conditions aren't deadly, although they hugely affect my quality of life.

Honestly, it's terrible, I feel so sorry for you. You are a very strong person if you manage to live with this.

I don't think I would have felt much different back then if I knew what my future was. I was depressed and suicidal even back then in the past, I never thought I had a happy future. I just didn't realize how much worse it would get.

How has your life changed so much for the worse? Just illnesses or something else?

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered so much in this torturous existence, it's all just so cruel, I see so much cruelty in how there's all this pain and suffering in existing, I really understand just wanting to be free from it all, I wish you the best.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

Honestly, it's terrible, I feel so sorry for you. You are a very strong person if you manage to live with this.

How has your life changed so much for the worse? Just illnesses or something else?

Really just my health has worsened, but sadly your health impacts every part of your life. It's really true that all the money in the world is worth less than having good health.

If I hadn't gotten health problems, I probably would have gone to grad school (I just finished my undergrad right as I became ill). And I certainly would have a better job. Basically I don't think I'm well enough to move out of my parents' house or work in an office (my current job is work from home and not full time hours). It's a decent job but pays less than what I was making from my summer job as a student, working at a restaurant. And my company can't even afford to pay me more because it's a nonprofit, and a nonprofit working in an area I don't even care about. Money can't buy health but it would make me feel better about being chronically ill if I could at least make a decent amount of money.

Sometimes I see posts on facebook from former classmates, and they're achieving their dreams, travelling, getting married while I rot in my bedroom and fester in my bodily dysfunction. It feels unbearable, and everyone just expects me to live like a normal person despite my body betraying me. I can't even explain it really, because the truth is that I always feel like I'm going to shit and piss myself and it's a maddening feeling, but all I can tell people is that I "have a sensitive stomach".

 

[Ariel1]

I should be happy, I'm going on an exciting trip to meet a friend, but I still feel this horrible feeling of being crushed, being unable to breathe or relax because something is wrong, something is deeply and irreparably broken inside of me. Both physically and mentally, my digestion is fucked, I think my prostate is damaged, my ears scream with tinnitus, and I sit in my discomfort and pain all day. Every decision I ever made led me to this situation and place.

Nostalgia is so deeply painful, to think of the good times of the past and how they are past, and even with all the money in the world I couldn't return to the world and my life as it was just a few years ago. I wish I had no past and no future, I wish I was an animal that could only think of the present moment. I'm being crushed and it hurts so fucking much.

I can't even explain it, no one understands and I don't have the words to communicate everything wrong with me. I am so incredibly broken. I'm trapped in this miserable existence where every morning I wake up to a new nightmare.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel I can relate about the nostalgia. I wish I could go back to before everything went wrong with my health and my life. I also feel crushed by it. For a while I had hope that things would get better but hope is cruel, it only let's you down. I also feel trapped in this miserable existence.