Please help

[catsrprettycuteman]

my boyfriend found out about me being suicidal cause of him and he's having an anxiety attack, I feel like shit, what do I do

 

[ClownCringe]

Empower him to stand up and try to understand instead of shutting down. Let him know maybe he can help you if he can be strong.

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

my boyfriend found out about me being suicidal cause of him and he's having an anxiety attack, I feel like shit, what do I do

what did he do that made you suicidal? also how did he find out?

 

[catsrprettycuteman]

what did he do that made you suicidal? also how did he find out?

it's a long story but I basically borderline cheated on him and I felt terrible because of what I did and wanted to ctb, and I would tell one of our friends all of this and he told him. like I literally basically cheated on him I feel like I should kill myself cause of it.

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

alright here's my thoughts:

don't do anything rash. you're in inner turmoil, so this is not a time to make decisions. attempting to ctb to punish yourself for something you did is absolutely not advisable. instead try to make it right. apologize to your boyfried. ask for his forgiveness. don't do it again.

i'd like to ask you 2 more questions:
have you been suicidal before?
are you in a healthy relationship?

 

[Kit1]

I am so sorry that you are going through so much.

Cas TheFriendlyGhost has given some good advice. I would just like to add that sometimes cheating on a partner might also be symptomatic for a problem or challenge within the existing relationship and uou might want to explore this as the relationship might not be a healthy one in the first place. And separation might be best for both of you.

Good Luck

 

[catsrprettycuteman]

alright here's my thoughts:

don't do anything rash. you're in inner turmoil, so this is not a time to make decisions. attempting to ctb to punish yourself for something you did is absolutely not advisable. instead try to make it right. apologize to your boyfried. ask for his forgiveness. don't do it again.

i'd like to ask you 2 more questions:
have you been suicidal before?
are you in a healthy relationship?

I've been suicidal for a long time, and I don't really have any of experiences with relationships as this was like my first serious one, before being with him I never really thought anyone would think of me, as like a possible candidate to date so I just never thought about it. I tried to make it up to him over and over in our relationship these past months, but he's really not enthusiastic about it. our relationship isn't healthy, I don't really know what to call our situation anymore. I feel like he's just with me because he knows I get urges to ctb like that.

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

alright that sounds like an untenable situation. he's probably angry at you but feels like he can't communicate it to you because he knows about your suicidal thoughts. he probably feels pretty helpless about the situation.
here's what i would do if i was in your position: i'd ask him to meet up and set up calm, personal atmosphere. i'd tell him how much i regret making that mistake and that I'd do everything to take it back if i could. then I'd offer to leave and break up (not in a pressuring way, but in a calm, sincere way).

he needs to make a decision here to forgive you or not. this limbo state is bad for both of you.

if you separate, it would be very important for you to have a friend to turn to. do you have someone like that?

 

[catsrprettycuteman]

alright that sounds like an untenable situation. he's probably angry at you but feels like he can't communicate it to you because he knows about your suicidal thoughts. he probably feels pretty helpless about the situation.
here's what i would do if i was in your position: i'd ask him to meet up and set up calm, personal atmosphere. i'd tell him how much i regret making that mistake and that I'd do everything to take it back if i could. then I'd offer to leave and break up (not in a pressuring way, but in a calm, sincere way).

he needs to make a decision here to forgive you or not. this limbo state is bad for both of you.

if you separate, it would be very important for you to have a friend to turn to. do you have someone like that?

it's been a few days since that happend and he treats me like it never happend, he's just nice to me and wants to spend time with me a lot. I feel like he's hiding how he feels. Im considering to ask him if he wants to break up or not. I don't really have anyone to turn to or to speak to. To be honest I just wanna break up with him and cut everyone I know off that we mutually know. I still have a strong urge to ctb, but I'm trying to not do that.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Hey, It's been a while so I don't know if you're still looking for help but this situation is really unfair, and probably very mentally draining, for both of you.

You cannot take back what you did to him when you almost cheated on him. You can't take back the pain he must have felt and how much it must have been compounded with your response to it. Essentially, you turned your guilt over what you almost did to him into his responsibility by blaming him for your suicidality. I think that unless he has been abusive to you in response to the revelation of what you did, it's unfair to say that you're suicidal because of him. Honestly, most people would probably have a panic attack and begin to fear every step they make after having an experience like that. So while I'm happy that he's been nice to you after the fact and it seems like he's trying to move on, you've done something to him that you cannot erase and it is likely that if you can make it up to him, the dynamic of your relationship has changed dramatically. How he sees you will inevitably be different and how he acts is probably going to change.

With all that being said, I am not trying to call you a bad person. You are far from bad; you're just somebody that reacted to an extremely stressful situation the only way that you knew how. I'm sure that you did not intend to pin something so heavy on him. It sounds like you feel very strongly about your boyfriend and naturally, you regret the decisions you made that put your relationship in jeopardy. But they have already happened, so there is no use in continuing to beat yourself up if you've been forgiven. The thing is, in order for you to release and properly deal with that guilt, both of you need to have an uncomfortable and uncensored conversation to be clear about what moving forward is going to look like. And here's where it's unfair to you, because "moving on like it didn't happen" is not a healthy way for you to deal with and learn from your actions and emotions. That doubt over his true intentions when he's being nice and wondering what his true feelings are will be an emotional and psychological killer for you. And overall, this will just remain an unresolved issue that's going to cause resentment to fester. A relationship like that is not a good environment for you to heal in.

He's walking on eggshells and it is possible that he could be scared of another extreme reaction from you. Meanwhile, you are stuck in a limbo of guilt and regret that he is refusing to offer you any relief from (or he may be trying to offer relief, but not in the right ways). I think you both feel guilty in different ways but it's not too late to fix it whether you decide to part or remain together. But it's not something that either of you can fix for the other, it will take you both working on yourselves and coming back together as a better unit than you were before. He has to heal and so do you.

I think it is best to have a conversation about whether or not he wants to break up, not just asking him if he does. It would be good if you are both in a safe and calm environment, and if you need a friend to mediate then that's even fine too. Encourage him to be open and honest, and try to do the same. No matter how hard it gets to listen to what he may say, you have to listen without taking your emotions out on him. Talk about everything, including how you feel about it all and your suicidal ideation in general. Then you can make the most informed decision about what to do next and he can decide if this is something he can handle. And please know that no matter what advice you get from the internet or from any friends outside of your relationship, only you know what the best decision is going to be for you.

You said that you're trying not to CTB. Do you think it might be worthwhile to talk with him about what you're going to do in order to possibly recover? He may feel better knowing that you are at least desiring taking the steps to work on your ideation and ensure there will be less of a chance for there to be a situation where he has to feel like you may kill yourself because of a potential reaction he can have.

I hope I didn't come off as mean or dismissive in this reply. I think what's most important in this equation is you, so I don't mean to center his feelings. But it seems to me like you were having a reaction to the potential rejection or abandonment you could have faced after almost cheating on him. Knowing that someone you care about wants to die is understandably hard for normies, and it's even harder when you believe that you are the cause. I want to echo what was said earlier in this thread, what you did could be an indication of something bigger lurking beneath the surface of either your mental health or the relationship. Either way, there is some need that wasn't met for you and addressing that will be more beneficial to you and to him.

You're allowed to feel however you need to feel, but I hope that you heal from this and do not carry the burden of guilt for much longer, although I do believe that acknowledging your fault is a great thing and it is the only way to move forward from this. I hope that you can find a healthy way to settle this, and whether you're single or still with him, I hope that you won't lose the battle with your ideation as long as you want to be alive. And if you feel like the situation is too toxic and you cannot function within it, it's definitely okay to remove yourself from it.

 

[catsrprettycuteman]

Hey, It's been a while so I don't know if you're still looking for help but this situation is really unfair, and probably very mentally draining, for both of you.

You cannot take back what you did to him when you almost cheated on him. You can't take back the pain he must have felt and how much it must have been compounded with your response to it. Essentially, you turned your guilt over what you almost did to him into his responsibility by blaming him for your suicidality. I think that unless he has been abusive to you in response to the revelation of what you did, it's unfair to say that you're suicidal because of him. Honestly, most people would probably have a panic attack and begin to fear every step they make after having an experience like that. So while I'm happy that he's been nice to you after the fact and it seems like he's trying to move on, you've done something to him that you cannot erase and it is likely that if you can make it up to him, the dynamic of your relationship has changed dramatically. How he sees you will inevitably be different and how he acts is probably going to change.

With all that being said, I am not trying to call you a bad person. You are far from bad; you're just somebody that reacted to an extremely stressful situation the only way that you knew how. I'm sure that you did not intend to pin something so heavy on him. It sounds like you feel very strongly about your boyfriend and naturally, you regret the decisions you made that put your relationship in jeopardy. But they have already happened, so there is no use in continuing to beat yourself up if you've been forgiven. The thing is, in order for you to release and properly deal with that guilt, both of you need to have an uncomfortable and uncensored conversation to be clear about what moving forward is going to look like. And here's where it's unfair to you, because "moving on like it didn't happen" is not a healthy way for you to deal with and learn from your actions and emotions. That doubt over his true intentions when he's being nice and wondering what his true feelings are will be an emotional and psychological killer for you. And overall, this will just remain an unresolved issue that's going to cause resentment to fester. A relationship like that is not a good environment for you to heal in.

He's walking on eggshells and it is possible that he could be scared of another extreme reaction from you. Meanwhile, you are stuck in a limbo of guilt and regret that he is refusing to offer you any relief from (or he may be trying to offer relief, but not in the right ways). I think you both feel guilty in different ways but it's not too late to fix it whether you decide to part or remain together. But it's not something that either of you can fix for the other, it will take you both working on yourselves and coming back together as a better unit than you were before. He has to heal and so do you.

I think it is best to have a conversation about whether or not he wants to break up, not just asking him if he does. It would be good if you are both in a safe and calm environment, and if you need a friend to mediate then that's even fine too. Encourage him to be open and honest, and try to do the same. No matter how hard it gets to listen to what he may say, you have to listen without taking your emotions out on him. Talk about everything, including how you feel about it all and your suicidal ideation in general. Then you can make the most informed decision about what to do next and he can decide if this is something he can handle. And please know that no matter what advice you get from the internet or from any friends outside of your relationship, only you know what the best decision is going to be for you.

You said that you're trying not to CTB. Do you think it might be worthwhile to talk with him about what you're going to do in order to possibly recover? He may feel better knowing that you are at least desiring taking the steps to work on your ideation and ensure there will be less of a chance for there to be a situation where he has to feel like you may kill yourself because of a potential reaction he can have.

I hope I didn't come off as mean or dismissive in this reply. I think what's most important in this equation is you, so I don't mean to center his feelings. But it seems to me like you were having a reaction to the potential rejection or abandonment you could have faced after almost cheating on him. Knowing that someone you care about wants to die is understandably hard for normies, and it's even harder when you believe that you are the cause. I want to echo what was said earlier in this thread, what you did could be an indication of something bigger lurking beneath the surface of either your mental health or the relationship. Either way, there is some need that wasn't met for you and addressing that will be more beneficial to you and to him.

You're allowed to feel however you need to feel, but I hope that you heal from this and do not carry the burden of guilt for much longer, although I do believe that acknowledging your fault is a great thing and it is the only way to move forward from this. I hope that you can find a healthy way to settle this, and whether you're single or still with him, I hope that you won't lose the battle with your ideation as long as you want to be alive. And if you feel like the situation is too toxic and you cannot function within it, it's definitely okay to remove yourself from it.

I spoke to him and asked him to be honest with me and not be compelled to be with me because of me being suicidal. He said he wants to stay with me. I'm still trying to accept myself for what I did, but knowing he still wants to be with me even though I did that makes things feel better. Your advice helped alot, thanks :D