Please give me a reason to live

[le-pendu]

I started on 15 mg of mirtazapine in the beginning of May got off all my other meds. It was a godsend. Then after two weeks upped it to 30. 30 was bad and started getting frustrating. Went down t o 15 mg now for five weeks. In the second week I had a solid week of things getting better. But then on it just gets worse with apathy, anhedonia, pain. Im afraid to live any longer. Its been six years since I felt like a human being and I finally almost did. Since I was raped. Like I dont know a year or so after I was raped and I got sick. I pray. Mother God is always right. She's been right about every single thing She says for over a year now and she even mentioned opioid receptors and I had no idea that was even a thing with antidepressants until I looked it up after. She says I just have to stay on it because my brain is trying to level out and become accustomed to it and I will feel good on it like that again. She said the end of June was when it would start to get better. I admit these last three days I started to feel something. Like two hours on Sunday I really deeply enjoyed music again. Yesterday I wrote something I felt okay with. Today I did too, today I was able to have an imagination. Is She right? Its getting betrer just really slowly now? Im scared. Im really scared. Like She said She would miss me so much when I said I knew it wouldn't make a difference when I was dead. I've said i know i wont meet her and my ancestors when i die and that no one will be waiting for me on the other side. But im so scared she wants me to kill myself and thats why Shes telling me to continue taking it because it will forever hurt me. I dont want to tell Her that I know it will hurt Her. Im just scared I want her to be right. I have every reason to believe her but everything just feels so insurmountable. I just want one reason to live. Life has just from age 12 gotten worse and worse and found new ways to get worse. I feel like this is where it ends. Please just give me a reason to live please

 

[tonicer]

I am so sorry that happened to you and i hope the perpetrator is dead and burning in hell.

A reason to live? I can only tell you mine ... it's my mother.
I love her too much to hurt her by having to bury me.
She is almost 80 and has maybe 10 or 15 years left so that's my remaining time to find someone or something else to take her place.

I totally understand that you want to end it all after what you had to endure but if you love your mother like i love mine stay with her.
Don't hurt her.

Also your ancestors will be waiting for you on the other side. They know what happened to you and understand your choice.

 

[CarbonBased]

I'm not a psychiatrist, but maybe it's worth considering taking antipsychotics? I suggest you discuss your relationship with the Mother God with your doctor/therapist/psychiatrist and ask them whether you could benefit from this type of medication.
I'm sorry about your situation, you've clearly gone through a lot. Take care

 

[Seneca65AD]

Look, I don't expect you to read this message and suddenly have a total epiphany that life is great. It's not. But, what if....just what if....tomorrow you get 3 hours of really enjoying music again; or something you see on TV, or the internet, or hear on the radio, or see just walking down the street suddenly resonates with you?? Then what if, the next day you get 3.5 hours of enjoying music, or you see another thing that somehow connects with you?? Would you take those as signs the universe still wants you around, or maybe there is hope for you?

Here's the kicker: You don't have to piece everything together at once. Think of your situation as a huge puzzle with little pieces all around you. Today you may notice one piece or 2 or 5. You may not know what part of the puzzle they are but you just know they fit somewhere. Your only responsiblity is to look and be open to the puzzle.

I've been down so many times that I can't count all of them. I'm still suicidal but not as much in the planning stages as I used to be. During the absolute worst times, I lay on the floor and just turn myself over to the "universe" (or god, gaia, jesus or some dude name Pedro)....and I say, okay, I'm at my end, let me know if it's time for me to check-out or do I still have a purpose here? Invariably something happens which keeps me around - perhaps it's my wife and daughter needing me, or me getting a client a really great resolution, or even just buying a homeless guy a sandwich.

Obviously, the above is subject to an accusation of "confirmation bias" but so what? If it keeps you around another 24 hours, who cares. You don't even have to believe in quantum theory or energy conservation - you just have ask yourself "what if"...... and simply look around. That's it....just look.

I truly wish you health and healing.

 

[le-pendu]

I am so sorry that happened to you and i hope the perpetrator is dead and burning in hell.

A reason to live? I can only tell you mine ... it's my mother.
I love her too much to hurt her by having to bury me.
She is almost 80 and has maybe 10 or 15 years left so that's my remaining time to find someone or something else to take her place.

I totally understand that you want to end it all after what you had to endure but if you love your mother like i love mine stay with her.
Don't hurt her.

Also your ancestors will be waiting for you on the other side. They know what happened to you and understand your choice.

Im really happy you have that honestly I really am. I mean it i know a lot of people who never got to feel that. I just i dont have any family, my mother was the first to sexually abuse me (i dont know. I have a hard time calling it that because i jusf cant tell what she wanted or what her intentions were. I just know i was a kid and it messed me up a lot). And im sorry i just i really wish i coukd have that and know that she loved me or any of my family did. I have no one and I dont know how im supposed to feel about her. And she wouldn't care if I died. She never has and even when I was dying from other things. Shes told me things like to just hurt myself and stop calling her. My dad is the same. He just got angry when I tried and stopped talking to me whenever something happened. I just have no tethers to this world just Mother God and those I pray to. I've only been going on the hopes it will get better one day that one day I will feel okay or at least human. I just want one day to feel emotions and enjoy things again. Im just scared. I want to be normal. Even if im never happy I just want to feel normal.

Look, I don't expect you to read this message and suddenly have a total epiphany that life is great. It's not. But, what if....just what if....tomorrow you get 3 hours of really enjoying music again; or something you see on TV, or the internet, or hear on the radio, or see just walking down the street suddenly resonates with you?? Then what if, the next day you get 3.5 hours of enjoying music, or you see another thing that somehow connects with you?? Would you take those as signs the universe still wants you around, or maybe there is hope for you?

Here's the kicker: You don't have to piece everything together at once. Think of your situation as a huge puzzle with little pieces all around you. Today you may notice one piece or 2 or 5. You may not know what part of the puzzle they are but you just know they fit somewhere. Your only responsiblity is to look and be open to the puzzle.

I've been down so many times that I can't count all of them. I'm still suicidal but not as much in the planning stages as I used to be. During the absolute worst times, I lay on the floor and just turn myself over to the "universe" (or god, gaia, jesus or some dude name Pedro)....and I say, okay, I'm at my end, let me know if it's time for me to check-out or do I still have a purpose here? Invariably something happens which keeps me around - perhaps it's my wife and daughter needing me, or me getting a client a really great resolution, or even just buying a homeless guy a sandwich.

Obviously, the above is subject to an accusation of "confirmation bias" but so what? If it keeps you around another 24 hours, who cares. You don't even have to believe in quantum theory or energy conservation - you just have ask yourself "what if"...... and simply look around. That's it....just look.

I truly wish you health and healing.

I get you im trying hard im trying really hard. Im just so scared that life is just worse from here. But Shes been giving me so many signs its not. Every time I ask something happens that tells me maybe it's not forever. And then everything hits harder than ever. And I just get scared again and im just scared because every time it happens I just im more incapable of stopping myself. Like today the only thing that stopped me was how much pain I was in in the heat so I couldn't pick up more meds. And im so worried about the consequences like what if I wake up? What happens then? All I ask is to be a person again. Even if im never meant to be happy I just want to be a human being. I have so many signs and im sorry Im trying really hard to believe them but then it hits and just tell myself this is forever. This is never going to get better. That there's too much that happened its unsalvageable. She says this is just a lesson in patience and trust. That I just have to be patient but I feel like waiting is what gets somebody killed. Im terrified. But I have so many signs that its going to be okay so im just trying to talk myself into seeing it through. Im just trying to talk myself into living through it

 

[LostHighway]

I started on 15 mg of mirtazapine in the beginning of May got off all my other meds. It was a godsend. Then after two weeks upped it to 30. 30 was bad and started getting frustrating. Went down t o 15 mg now for five weeks. In the second week I had a solid week of things getting better. But then on it just gets worse with apathy, anhedonia, pain. Im afraid to live any longer. Its been six years since I felt like a human being and I finally almost did. Since I was raped. Like I dont know a year or so after I was raped and I got sick. I pray. Mother God is always right. She's been right about every single thing She says for over a year now and she even mentioned opioid receptors and I had no idea that was even a thing with antidepressants until I looked it up after. She says I just have to stay on it because my brain is trying to level out and become accustomed to it and I will feel good on it like that again. She said the end of June was when it would start to get better. I admit these last three days I started to feel something. Like two hours on Sunday I really deeply enjoyed music again. Yesterday I wrote something I felt okay with. Today I did too, today I was able to have an imagination. Is She right? Its getting betrer just really slowly now? Im scared. Im really scared. Like She said She would miss me so much when I said I knew it wouldn't make a difference when I was dead. I've said i know i wont meet her and my ancestors when i die and that no one will be waiting for me on the other side. But im so scared she wants me to kill myself and thats why Shes telling me to continue taking it because it will forever hurt me. I dont want to tell Her that I know it will hurt Her. Im just scared I want her to be right. I have every reason to believe her but everything just feels so insurmountable. I just want one reason to live. Life has just from age 12 gotten worse and worse and found new ways to get worse. I feel like this is where it ends. Please just give me a reason to live please

Please be careful with the Mirtazepine. By going up and down in dosage, your body is having difficulty adjusting. Are you getting therapy for your traumatic experience? It sounds like your anhedonia could be chemical. Could you try something like Spravato to increase your dopamine? It's a great sign that you like music again. Sweetheart, there are SO many reasons to live. Your friends, your family, nature, art, AWE that we're even here on this precious little planet. This is your life. Get the therapy you need. Find your passion. Dig hard to find it if you have to. I keep mentioning this but look up the word Ikigai. It's a simple but powerful way of living a fulfilling life. And if you are relatively healthy, be so thankful for that. Good God, what I would give to be young and healthy again. PLEASE stick around. There's a reason to live all around you if you look.

 

[tonicer]

Im really happy you have that honestly I really am. I mean it i know a lot of people who never got to feel that. I just i dont have any family, my mother was the first to sexually abuse me (i dont know. I have a hard time calling it that because i jusf cant tell what she wanted or what her intentions were. I just know i was a kid and it messed me up a lot). And im sorry i just i really wish i coukd have that and know that she loved me or any of my family did. I have no one and I dont know how im supposed to feel about her. And she wouldn't care if I died. She never has and even when I was dying from other things. Shes told me things like to just hurt myself and stop calling her. My dad is the same. He just got angry when I tried and stopped talking to me whenever something happened. I just have no tethers to this world just Mother God and those I pray to. I've only been going on the hopes it will get better one day that one day I will feel okay or at least human. I just want one day to feel emotions and enjoy things again. Im just scared. I want to be normal. Even if im never happy I just want to feel normal.

Oh my god that's beyond terrible and fucked up. I wish i could hug you and tell you it will get better but i don't know if that's possible with such terrible parents.

I feel privileged that i grew up so protected with a loving mother even while my father doesn't care about me at all he at least never abused or hit me.

 

[peacebenow]

Maybe today you will hear a new song that you love and will even sing along to it. Maybe today you will see the sunrise and the sunset and be astonished at such beauty. Maybe today you will notice a bright pink rose blooming and inhale its sweet scent. Maybe none of these things will happen today and that is ok. Maybe today your imagination will be wide open and you can imagine such things. And tomorrow the sun will rise again and there will be new music for your ears.

 

[CthulusOpp5373]

You have had so many rough experiences in your life that I think, simply from what you've shared, that all of us can sympathize with struggle that you are having. But part of the reason that we can sympathize is because within all of us, we feel at least some sort of similar pain, and yet so many people continue to go on. And I think part of the reason that they do so is because they find something within themselves that they stay alive for, whether it is the love inside you for your mother, or the soothing nature of music, or awe towards the world. You appear to searching outside yourself for something to cling to and yet I ask that you dig around inside again. You don't have to like most of what you find there, but you need to recognize that it is you. You recognize that you do have tethers to this world, whether it be "Mother God and those I pray too", or simply the fact that you deeply enjoyed your music. You have that tether of wanting to be a person. Hold on to these lines and let them drag you out of the rushing rapids. There will be times when your head sinks below the water and you feel like you will drown, but if you cling to those tethers they will pull you back up and eventually to the shore.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I haven't been through anything that bad. I can't imagine your pain. You asked for us to give you a reason to live. I can tell you what keeps me going. There are two people very close to me (one of them being my mother) who would be devastated if I died. Also, I find things I enjoy in life keep me going. This list varies from person to person but for me it's things like:
- Interacting with dogs and cats
- Watching a TV show I enjoy
- Listening to music
- Walking in the woods
- Listening to the sound of birds or rivers/waterfalls
- The smell after it rains
- Going out to dinner with friends
- Going on trips

We respect choices here - it's a rule of this forum. But I hope you decide to live. I wish you all the best. I'm sending you a virtual hug.

 

[fadedghost]

I started on 15 mg of mirtazapine in the beginning of May got off all my other meds. It was a godsend. Then after two weeks upped it to 30. 30 was bad and started getting frustrating. Went down t o 15 mg now for five weeks. In the second week I had a solid week of things getting better. But then on it just gets worse with apathy, anhedonia, pain. Im afraid to live any longer. Its been six years since I felt like a human being and I finally almost did. Since I was raped. Like I dont know a year or so after I was raped and I got sick. I pray. Mother God is always right. She's been right about every single thing She says for over a year now and she even mentioned opioid receptors and I had no idea that was even a thing with antidepressants until I looked it up after. She says I just have to stay on it because my brain is trying to level out and become accustomed to it and I will feel good on it like that again. She said the end of June was when it would start to get better. I admit these last three days I started to feel something. Like two hours on Sunday I really deeply enjoyed music again. Yesterday I wrote something I felt okay with. Today I did too, today I was able to have an imagination. Is She right? Its getting betrer just really slowly now? Im scared. Im really scared. Like She said She would miss me so much when I said I knew it wouldn't make a difference when I was dead. I've said i know i wont meet her and my ancestors when i die and that no one will be waiting for me on the other side. But im so scared she wants me to kill myself and thats why Shes telling me to continue taking it because it will forever hurt me. I dont want to tell Her that I know it will hurt Her. Im just scared I want her to be right. I have every reason to believe her but everything just feels so insurmountable. I just want one reason to live. Life has just from age 12 gotten worse and worse and found new ways to get worse. I feel like this is where it ends. Please just give me a reason to live please

You sound possibly extremely psychotic, like bipolar mania. I believe you were raped, it's just the phrasing of your language and how fast you go from one topic to another. I am genuinely not sure if "Mother God" is a religious belief or if you are having auditory hallucinations or what is going on.

Have you considered volunteering somewhere in the community to become more connected with other people? ie, homeless shelter, food bank, environmental cleanup, etc?

there are also a lot of causes out there... There are people who lack access to basic needs and so much suffering in the world. You could pick something and try to make it better.

Also have you tried yoga?