Planning my final day

[pogostick]

I was thinking about waiting until bonfire night on the 5th (as opposed to Monday 3rd) but I've decided not to for a few reasons.
• To watch the fireworks, I'd miss the train I've used for every previous attempt. It would just fuck up my routine.
• I'd have to kill 3 hours between the fireworks starting and the train coming (after already doing shit for the whole day), I want there to be no time for doubt to build.
• It doesn't matter if I get to see them or not, really. If I kept putting off my date for things I was looking forward to then I'd probably just keep dragging myself along
• I'll have to go to uni or miss two days and I don't want to do either.


I'm just going to wake up at around 2pm, go for food by myself and have a couple drinks. My intention is to be quite drunk. I was tipsy last time but not drunk, really. Then go to die.
I've found that going to pubs really induces a suicidal feeling in me, I don't know why, but whenever I'm there I just want to take the bus right to the train station and kill myself, so maybe if I'm lucky that'll happen this time too.

I'm gonna try and follow the same process I did last time which is just KEEP BUSY. Don't stay doing one thing for too long. The only thing I need to get off my ass and do is make some video diary entries for specific people. I've got around 25 total entries in there right now, probably at least an hour of me waffling.

One thing I always say I'll miss when I die is my bed. My warm toasty bed and my heated blanket, so I'm just gonna make the most of it, I guess.

 

[gomer1978]

Alcohol makes me worse too. So don't go the pub. Don't drink. And then see if you feel the same. You're young. Though that's hard to see unless you're old. So chill. Stay sober. And see where life takes you.

 

[pogostick]

Alcohol makes me worse too. So don't go the pub. Don't drink. And then see if you feel the same. You're young. Though that's hard to see unless you're old. So chill. Stay sober. And see where life takes you.

I will be going to the pub because I want chips. I have only gotten drunk once and that one time was for my last attempt, so I'm not some raging alcoholic (I have had drinks before, obviously, just not that much). I wouldn't drink often, but it I enjoyed it on that specific occasion and so I will do it again.
I'm not really interested in seeing where life takes me, my suicidal ideation is chronic and can't be changed by circumstances. I'm not doing it out of some hopeless desperation, I'm doing it because I want to.
Maybe I would feel differently in 10 or 15 or 20 years but I'm not sticking arpund to find out lmao

 

[dreamgarden]

good luck on your attempt! if you make a goodbye post, i'll try to make sure to read it and wish you well

 

[pogostick]

good luck on your attempt! if you make a goodbye post, i'll try to make sure to read it and wish you well

Thank you! <3 I definitely will. The comments I recieved on my last goodbye post allieviated a lot of the shame I felt about surviving. I appreciate you

 

[dreamgarden]

Thank you! <3 I definitely will. The comments I recieved on my last goodbye post allieviated a lot of the shame I felt about surviving. I appreciate you

there's no need to feel any shame. just having the courage to go through with it is an achievement and you've decided to do it again despite surviving which is even more impressive. i don't know anything about your life but even then i believe you deserve the best kind of peace

 

[Kitsuné_]

I remember ur last attempt. U seemed quite mentally prepared, even considering how young you are.

+1 to the idea of staying busy and not thinking too much.

Good luck

 

[pogostick]

I remember ur last attempt. U seemed quite mentally prepared, even considering how young you are.

+1 to the idea of staying busy and not thinking too much.

Good luck

I really appreciate that. I've spent a long time thinking and desensitising myself and making sure that this is all really what I want. Unfortunately, your body will always try and work against you when it comes to suicide no matter how prepared you are.
I hope you have a good day or night <3