Venting picking date for attempt

[godforbidpain]

i have picked a method to attempt to CTB.

im calling it an attempt because im not 100% sure this will be successful, but at this point i DON'T care anymore. i've run out of hope and i have no regard or respect for this body. i am worthless and not special or remarkable, so might as well leave it up to chance.
i am still picking out the specific place and the specific date, but i'm thinking SOON on a thursday in the middle of the night (i've thought about all the circumstances a lot).
i know this sounds poorly planned and rash but i've thought about CTB for over a decade now and have researched this plenty. i'm aware of every single possibility (and again, i don't care what ends up happening.) the universe hates me anyway so at least the uncertainty will make me suffer psychologicallly. i feel like i deserve it. i've suffered and been sad all my life, so whats more suffering at a possible end?

 

[R. A.]

Hi, I read your story posts and want to just say, while acknowledging that you seem to have had a worse go than me fore sure, it can always get worse. Seeing you've attempted twice twice already and are pain averse, that worries me about a half-ass method that might put your body in a state where you could be dependent completely on others or some such thing. From your history it sounds like that would be your family and would be extra hellish.

I'm feeling more and more like dying by the day but I too am holding back at this point mainly due to fear of failure, and more the ensuing trauma and potential worsening. I recognize there me come a point when my conditions prevent those always-valid concerns from staying my hand...and perhaps you're already there.

Hope the last few days have been less hellish