Venting personal venting thread

[strawberrydino]

as per title. feel like im making too many venting posts so gonna just spam them here. more like a journal.
thought i was having a good day went to gym. but we went to get new dress pants bc i got fatter and now i just dont fit and i feel awful. i look awful. i want to cut myself but i cant bc theyre seeing my things and arms and now how do i cope. beside venting like crazy on this site which i alr do which sorta calms me down but not really. i hate this. im behind on all my coursework had an anxiety attack thinking i missed deadline to the one extra circular that im actually good at. (which im still not sure i havent). i keep thinking i want to end it but feel like an imposter among everyone else here who has plans who is committed but i cant bc never fucking commit.

 

[pauly369]

Its not your fault : The survival instinct is more powerful than we realsise.

 

[snoopyfan22]

Me too. It makes me feel like such a coward but I'm afraid of dying most of the time.

 

[strawberrydino]

as per title. feel like im making too many venting posts so gonna just spam them here. more like a journal.
thought i was having a good day went to gym. but we went to get new dress pants bc i got fatter and now i just dont fit and i feel awful. i look awful. i want to cut myself but i cant bc theyre seeing my things and arms and now how do i cope. beside venting like crazy on this site which i alr do which sorta calms me down but not really. i hate this. im behind on all my coursework had an anxiety attack thinking i missed deadline to the one extra circular that im actually good at. (which im still not sure i havent). i keep thinking i want to end it but feel like an imposter among everyone else here who has plans who is committed but i cant bc never fucking commit.

im pms like crazy work. im trying to plan this stupid fucking sixteen ppl six flags trip, which is my fault really for taking on the fucking burden. but stop changing plans. i feel like i clarified really clearly the plans were finalized last week but this week everyone changes and i have to change the payment again and again. and this dtupid mfer wont stop repeating and talking over me. but i need to chill cuz its jot that deep. but we're doing a practice debate which i want to take seriously and the opponent doesnt despite the facts we agreed on. and soni get more than a little mad cuz why am i wasting time on bad faith arguments. then mfer agress to do a serious debate. no he doesnt. same bad faith twisting my arguments and telling lies. why even bother. why even pretend you would then? like dont bother. and i got so fucking madni basically threw my marker and left. and i feel bad cuz it wasnt that deep but why bother fycking messing with it in the first place. why.

 

[strawberrydino]

as per title. feel like im making too many venting posts so gonna just spam them here. more like a journal.
thought i was having a good day went to gym. but we went to get new dress pants bc i got fatter and now i just dont fit and i feel awful. i look awful. i want to cut myself but i cant bc theyre seeing my things and arms and now how do i cope. beside venting like crazy on this site which i alr do which sorta calms me down but not really. i hate this. im behind on all my coursework had an anxiety attack thinking i missed deadline to the one extra circular that im actually good at. (which im still not sure i havent). i keep thinking i want to end it but feel like an imposter among everyone else here who has plans who is committed but i cant bc never fucking commit.

im back. i was doing so good for months but need a good cry apparently. these posts match up crazy with my period cycle. so theres that.

im tired. when am i not. i feel less and less deserving of this self hatred. im clean of sh or at least cutting for months. im hopefully buying. carmaybe.

ww3 might be starting.

im so not depressed yet still crying is the at normal. i dont know whats normal. am i mentally ill or just self diagnosing.

 

[Meatballhead]

I was forced to get sober before realizing I could jump in front of a train . Now I kinda think alcohol is gross but am still kinda wanting to do it . I'm a felon so I can't buy a gun and make it super easy. Instead I have to live through the grossest life ever. I have to do literally every single thing I don't want to do . Nothing I try to do happens. I literally am so miserable ,dirty and poor and again nothing but the most disgusting crap is happening non stop . like my problems are so pathetic but like impossible to solve .

 

[strawberrydino]

why is this such a bad week. i really need to fix my sleeping schedule. took a four hour nap and dint do anything i needed to

im not ready to become an adult. need to get a car a credit card.

why is everything feeling so much.

i wish therapy fixed everything, but i guess thats not how it works. i wish i had a diagnosis and i knew what was wrong. even better a magical pill fixed everything. everything is work which is just how it is but its tiring and im a little lazy bitch

why do i feel so lonely, why am i depressed, why do i cry so much i dont think people cry this much.

i wish being an alcohol addict was okay then i could just say what i mean and not have anxiety over every text and word that comes out of my mouth. i could cry and its fine cuz im drunk.

im tired. im so tired. and i cant end it

 

[strawberrydino]

holy fuck it really is like clock work. pre empting my depression dump in hopes i dont fail this whole week of schoolwork.

yeah basically im going to get a fucking b in my gen ed class and wont be able to transfer anywehere kms. im just going to off myself not. holy shit. /j. forever a pussy

beeda skeep

i ll probably be back next week
but uh in great news i literally havent sh in so long. and more importantly even when i want to i havent. so progress? should i see my therapidt again.

 

[strawberrydino]

youre not gonna believe this shit im fucking back. why is sh so visible. i have a new group of friends that are all so optimistic i dont want to bring down by having sh scars and they could fucking see cuz we fucking go to the beach so much. it's like. they don't know. and we aren't close enough to have these talks or maybe we are. i don't understand friendship that well. i don't realize little ingroups we make. i'm so fucking jealous of them because they are so nice. they invite people to things like its nothing, it's an open group and it's nice. because i benefit but im so fucking scared of it they are nice to me b/c they like me or if it's their moral obligation or whatever. also im scared that one of them has a crush on me and im totally breaking that trust of our friendship by being late on our group project. i don't even know why i procrasinated so hard on this goddamn project thinking i could do everything by myself. why why why. it's worth the most amount of points and i promised him i would do it and i fucking didn't. im binging so much bread or maybe im doing the opposite i think i literally had a sushi roll and chicken leg today. everything in my schedule is fucked up and i feel out of control.

think fundamentally i don't take well to being out of control because i need control. it is why i took on this goddamn group project by myself because i have a need for control. except i say that but i can't control my own emotions. maybe that;s why i need to contorl the environment around me because i can't contorl my internal state, that was has to be some kind of psychological theory right.

i hate swinging back and forth from dperession to regular topics. but i think i have a crush on a guy,. like geniually, which is surprising to me because i don't really have crushes on people. people like me and i like being liked whihc if why i date. or maybe this crush is lust, i mean i don't know. im attracted to him and i want to date, but i don't want to mess up the friend group. it also doesn't help that i don't have insurance and so he's my main ride to group hangouts. and he's just a nice guy i can't tell if he would be positive to my attractions and i hate this uncertainty. i hate being out of control.

everything needs to fit in their own boxes. once i get in a line of thinking i find it hard to look back because i get so boxed in. im a massive cherrypicker. i like rules i like laws, i committed to giving less of a fuck about jaywalking and the misdemeanors but i can't stand certain things. i hate when people park in places that they are not supposed to, i don't think it when people litter or go into rooms where we're not supposed to. i kind of just hate talking to people a lot of the time. but i know if i isolate myself then i will get more and more depressed. so that's a rule i have to stick by to know when i'm feeling down and make sure to keep myself busy. i hate everything. there is always something to do, which is good. but is it

theres a pressure to succeed, and thats good but its not good. sometimes i wish i went to my dream of art. of writing or literally anything than what i am doing. othertimes i enjoy it. got to set a rule to enjoy it. got to stop procrasinating everything. because i am fucking things up i was supposed to work today. but instead i wasted away because im useless. i need to see my therapist,. i think im going to see a new one. idk.

i want someone to fix me.

 

[strawberrydino]

coolio. i love failing at everything including not being a sore fucking loser over some stupid shit. kmskmkmskmkmsz should have jumped off really. cant even be thst empathetic.

 

[strawberrydino]

vent vent yadda yadda. fuck this class. fuck me. fuck my lack of control. actual a nice fuck would probably make me feel better if i didnt hate literally everything about how i looked. fucking hell.

taking up and wasting space. i wish i was confident enough to kms.

 

[strawberrydino]

i feel like im back more and more. i dont know about my relationship. i like him, a lot. everytime we hangout i know i like him. it just feels like a lot. my friends feel like too much right now. i want to crash out and just have a good cry but this living situation is not good. i wish i was a guy. i think being in a relationship is exacerbating that. i dont think i want to be a girlfriend. i dont know what i want to be. i dont know if i enjoy being who i am because i hate my body. i hate how fat i am and feminine. i hate when people call me a women, call it interalized misogyny. i hate it. i hate the thought of loosing him because i actually like him.

 

[strawberrydino]

why is this relationship so much work. probably cuz i actually like the guy. hate it. hate school. i m failing and drowning. i think i need a break. from everyone. for like a week. i wish i could just go away for a week. for one week.

also i think the stress is actually fucking up my cycle like crazy. like ive been having my periods every two months

 

[strawberrydino]

rare aesthetic watching parents argue publicly over boba at tmobile.
rare aesthetic having a dad who cant communicate for shit. who literally has zero friends and is incapable of assserting himself. in a loveless marriage and job. common aesthetic afraid of ending up like my father. common aesthetic parents who always argue because they dont love each other. and never agree on anything because neither of them communicate jackshit to each other. fuck this shit.

 

[strawberrydino]

im going to kms.

why am i fucking tweaking out over this relationship. i shouldnt be an relationship if im going to be tweaking like this. i want to cut myself. let me just cut myself. but i fucking told my friend so i cant cut on my arm and my stomach hurts.

why is my brother sleeping in the living room leave me alone. i want to crash the car and kill myself. fuck fuck fuck. i hate everything. why is shit so complicated.

im so fucking annoyed.

why tf did my fucking friend, not anymore clearly, fucking sexually assault my other friend. im so fucking annoyed. holy shit.

i wish everyone else would shut up and disappear right now. i wish i could disappear right now. i want to die.

my academics are falling apart. kill me kill me kill me. i want to cut myself but it hurts and i shouldnt and everything is too complicated.

i just want to cope and be taken care of highkey by my bf. and thats cringe smth smth independent. everything sucks.
i really want to fuck. but im disgusted by sex a little because having a vagina makes me sick inside, just gender fuck ass shit.

and highkey the dick is really thick. i was dead.
i fucked up my no cutting streak.

 

[strawberrydino]

they towed my fucking car. kms.
i want to quit the club. its so overwhelmingly competitive. even the second year vibe is shit. i d k. it's weird. i don't want to do it anymore.
which is depressing because it was half my life. its what got me out of my depressive slump of not having friends and it feels like everything is changing and falling out of control

 

[strawberrydino]

kms. i cant do anything im not studying i spent nine hours on my fucking phone today. kmsksmsksmsksmkmksmkmskmskmskmskmskmskmsskmsms. please please please please please please please please please please please. its okay but ill get through it anyway shit i fucking hard but as long as i shut everyone else out i can do i hate myself just end it Ll but one more fucking week pleaspleeepleasspleapslepelase

 

[strawberrydino]

had a fuckass manic episode thought i was feeling good realized i was overcompensating for depression.

i dontthink humans were meant to live like this

 

[strawberrydino]

should i just break up. i want to quit school. actually i want to quit everything. i just need to chill and make it past this week. no rash decisions. 4 more days.

 

[strawberrydino]

RARE FUCKING AESTHETIC: parents fighting at a sushi restaurant because stupid ass conflict

here ye here ye
dad and i laugh because we come to this same sushi restaurant and order four of the same shit.
mom asks dad why are you laughing?
dad says why dont we go to any diff sushi restaurant
mom says if you want to you should suggest a place
get into an argument somehow
dad says and why r u always judging me laughing
mom says i was just expressing my emotions i will stop that r you happy now
dad says so i cant even laugh now

haha. fuck this shit. in a public fucking restaurant

 

[strawberrydino]

im gonna off myself.

holy basic decency and politeness no?

also fuck traveling fuck making all the fucking plans are these motherfuckers dumb, lacking in cognitive function. im going to shoot myself after i shoot all of them. we can not deadass be this stupid.
i fucking hate everyone here thanks

 

[strawberrydino]

im fucking depressed which is good bc now i can tell my therapist and for once maybe antidepressants or antianxiety meds will mae me better
or nothing will. maybe im doomed to live like and everyone else gets that. why cant i get that idk. bc im stupid and fucking so fucking dumb. i dont really want to live like this and the only way out is drugs i ll have to be on forever and may not work or death.

i get easily irrritated when i donr want to. blame people for my issues. have a hard time fucking communicating until weeks later. have a relationship that im ruining bc of my issues and a bf whose probably too naive to run when he should. a therapist i dont necessarily trust but ig i dont need too and dont want to talk about stupid issues.

father i think he has depression and i dont know what to do. i really wish i knew what to do but i dont. i keep getting caught in a self destructive cycle bc i dont know how to act. in return for not cutting im arguably doing worse self destructive acts of not sleeping. i logically can not stop beng self destructing and maybe it was better when i would just cut myself instead of loosing sleep. i hate it here and i just want to leave all my relationships behind. cut it of with the bf cut it off with speech and debatez i want to have an indepth conversation abt my fucking mental illness eith bf but idk if thats a good idea.

 

[strawberrydino]

i hope the meds fix me

 

[strawberrydino]

i want to die. i want to cut off everyone in my life. shits too fucking complicated. all i do is scroll and be on my phone. and i hate it. i hate myself more than anything.