People with chronic illness/disabilities

[Mortetrapoco]

How many of you are suicidal for these reasons?

 

[Innereye]

Physical pain is the mind-killer.

 

[FallingGrace]

Yes. Lots of stuff that is diagnosed, and lots of other stuff the doctors don't have a clue about and don't seem overly enthusiastic about investigating. Had a couple of TIAs earlier this year with no obvious cause. There are very few days I feel physically "well". The mental stuff follows naturally.

 

[DoubleUp8]

I live in USA and haven't been able to get anything close to adequate medical care for about 6 years now. Severely disabled. Difficult and extremely painful disabilities. Mobility impaired. My feet are paralyzed. No help and support with transportation. No adequate medical care. Issues with housing. Definitely not worth it to go on and now probably wouldn't be able to survive even if I wanted to

 

[numbed one]

I'm suicidal because of schizophrénia !!

 

[Painfu.Ll.suffering]

Here...spine surgery ten years ago, than accident almost 2 years ago where i received wrong surgery and now my body is fucked and I want peace...

But everything doubleup8 said applies to me... Just central europe instead of usa

 

[nothinggoldcanstay]

I am. Went from healthy to disabled pretty much overnight from covid. A "mild" infection. Long covid turned into severe ME/CFS so I've spent the last year+ mostly bedbound, can't take care of myself, lost my career, spend pretty much everyday in a darkened room and that doesn't even make me feel better, just stops me from declining even more. Feels like having the worst flu + hangover + concussion every single day with no relief. I worked so hard in life, tried to put past trauma behind me, things were finally good, then it was all ripped away from me. I cry almost everyday when I wake up, forced to survive another day of this torture.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

That's why I'm here. Pain all day every day. So tired of it.

 

[GhostShell]

I am. Went from healthy to disabled pretty much overnight from covid. A "mild" infection. Long covid turned into severe ME/CFS so I've spent the last year+ mostly bedbound, can't take care of myself, lost my career, spend pretty much everyday in a darkened room and that doesn't even make me feel better, just stops me from declining even more. Feels like having the worst flu + hangover + concussion every single day with no relief. I worked so hard in life, tried to put past trauma behind me, things were finally good, then it was all ripped away from me. I cry almost everyday when I wake up, forced to survive another day of this torture.

Same story with the added benefit it uber-fucked my already fucked digestion so I cannot get the calories needed no matter what and will very slowly and painfully starve to death. Eating even plain rice hurts so much and only extends my miserable time here. Yeah I dont wanna find out at what point my body gives up, better leave with some dignity and a resemblance of myself.

 

[DeadHead]

Me. Brain tumour that's getting bigger. Horrible symptoms. Been fucked over by the corrupt UK NHS.

 

[DarknessAndDespair]

I was already suicidal before becoming chronically ill so now it's on my mind 24/7. There's no cure and doctors don't really know what's going on.

 

[nothinggoldcanstay]

Same story with the added benefit it uber-fucked my already fucked digestion so I cannot get the calories needed no matter what and will very slowly and painfully starve to death. Eating even plain rice hurts so much and only extends my miserable time here. Yeah I dont wanna find out at what point my body gives up, better leave with some dignity and a resemblance of myself.

I'm so sorry, food is one of the only small comforts I have so I can't imagine. This illness takes everything. I'm sure you've dealt with the disbelief and gaslighting from the entire medical community as well. Honestly even if I woke up completely healthy tomorrow I am so fucking traumatized from this I don't know how I would cope. Watching my body slowly deteriorate while the same virus repeatedly reinfects the masses. No way in hell I'm doing this long term.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

I was pretty fucked even before this happened, being autistic with Tourettes, CPTSD, severe OCD, misophonia, some bouts of derealization and depersonalization, depressed as a result of many factors, and later on severe panic attacks and emetophobia that ruled over my life. I sought "professional" help from a psychiatrist and as the unlucky individual I am, I ended up getting toxic encephalopathy from the antidepressants I was put on. That was 4 years ago and long story short, it triggered CFS, permanent depersonalization and derealization and also caused a neurocognitive disorder (aka dementia). I live in what is essentially a third-world country so I'm left to rot but honestly, I know some people in the same situation as me from other countries and I know that even if I was in a country with the best possible health care system there still wouldn't be a way to save me.

I'm currently 21, I've been living like this since I was 17 and my life before that was mostly filled with stress, trauma and loneliness. I wish I could live but suicide feels like a necessity.

I am. Went from healthy to disabled pretty much overnight from covid. A "mild" infection. Long covid turned into severe ME/CFS so I've spent the last year+ mostly bedbound, can't take care of myself, lost my career, spend pretty much everyday in a darkened room and that doesn't even make me feel better, just stops me from declining even more. Feels like having the worst flu + hangover + concussion every single day with no relief. I worked so hard in life, tried to put past trauma behind me, things were finally good, then it was all ripped away from me. I cry almost everyday when I wake up, forced to survive another day of this torture.

I'm so sorry, food is one of the only small comforts I have so I can't imagine. This illness takes everything. I'm sure you've dealt with the disbelief and gaslighting from the entire medical community as well. Honestly even if I woke up completely healthy tomorrow I am so fucking traumatized from this I don't know how I would cope. Watching my body slowly deteriorate while the same virus repeatedly reinfects the masses. No way in hell I'm doing this long term.

I'm so sorry that I don't have much to offer as comforting words but I just wanted to mention how deeply I empathize with you. My symptoms are identical to long covid (and I also have CFS so there's that) and I know how much of a struggle living like this is, there aren't words to describe the hell that this is. I'm sure our experiences aren't exactly the same but for me it feels like I'm not even alive anymore, like my body technically is but my soul, my consciousness are hanging by a thread. I completely get you about the "flu + hangover + concussion" feeling. The worst part is that there's nothing you can even do to make it go away or get some relief, it's just a constant.

It's so unfair to have to go through this, I question every day what I've done to deserve this even though I'm perfectly aware it's just... life. It's so hard having to explain yourself to people, going through the constant gaslighting and invalidation. If the illness doesn't push you towards suicide then people's attitude would.

 

[Mortetrapoco]

I live in USA and haven't been able to get anything close to adequate medical care for about 6 years now. Severely disabled. Difficult and extremely painful disabilities. Mobility impaired. My feet are paralyzed. No help and support with transportation. No adequate medical care. Issues with housing. Definitely not worth it to go on and now probably wouldn't be able to survive even if I wanted to

In some sense understand you. I have early onset of osteoarthritis in lot of joints, back pain and degenerative disc disease in the neck. I still have mobility, but i have pain in every part of my body. I am so sorry for you. If May i ask, what caused your permanent injury? How old are you?

I was pretty fucked even before this happened, being autistic with Tourettes, CPTSD, severe OCD, misophonia, some bouts of derealization and depersonalization, depressed as a result of many factors, and later on severe panic attacks and emetophobia that ruled over my life. I sought "professional" help from a psychiatrist and as the unlucky individual I am, I ended up getting toxic encephalopathy from the antidepressants I was put on. That was 4 years ago and long story short, it triggered CFS, permanent depersonalization and derealization and also caused a neurocognitive disorder (aka dementia). I live in what is essentially a third-world country so I'm left to rot but honestly, I know some people in the same situation as me from other countries and I know that even if I was in a country with the best possible health care system there still wouldn't be a way to save me.

I'm currently 21, I've been living like this since I was 17 and my life before that was mostly filled with stress, trauma and loneliness. I wish I could live but suicide feels like a necessity.




I'm so sorry that I don't have much to offer as comforting words but I just wanted to mention how deeply I empathize with you. My symptoms are identical to long covid (and I also have CFS so there's that) and I know how much of a struggle living like this is, there aren't words to describe the hell that this is. I'm sure our experiences aren't exactly the same but for me it feels like I'm not even alive anymore, like my body technically is but my soul, my consciousness are hanging by a thread. I completely get you about the "flu + hangover + concussion" feeling. The worst part is that there's nothing you can even do to make it go away or get some relief, it's just a constant.

It's so unfair to have to go through this, I question every day what I've done to deserve this even though I'm perfectly aware it's just... life. It's so hard having to explain yourself to people, going through the constant gaslighting and invalidation. If the illness doesn't push you towards suicide then people's attitude would.

"It's so unfair to have to go through this, I question every day what I've done to deserve this even though I'm perfectly aware it's just... life. It's so hard having to explain yourself to people, going through the constant gaslighting and invalidation. If the illness doesn't push you towards suicide then people's attitude would."
I think these are the reasons way i started withdrawing socially, people CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT CHRONIC PAIN IS. I have osteoarthritis degenerative disc disease, back pain etc. I am very young like you (24) and that's really unfair. I have watched a docu on CFS/ME and also read about It in a book and i know It's disabling: a living torture. I feel for you.

Here...spine surgery ten years ago, than accident almost 2 years ago where i received wrong surgery and now my body is fucked and I want peace...

But everything doubleup8 said applies to me... Just central europe instead of usa

I am so Sorry for you, Life Is just unfair

Here...spine surgery ten years ago, than accident almost 2 years ago where i received wrong surgery and now my body is fucked and I want peace...

But everything doubleup8 said applies to me... Just central europe instead of usa

I am so Sorry for you, Life Is just unfair

That's why I'm here. Pain all day every day. So tired of it.

Which Is the cause of your pain?

 

[depthss]

It's not the only reason I want to CTB but it's a big part of it. I have autism and severe OCD and it's so painful to live with.
OCD rules over my entire life. I have constant, time consuming compulsions that I act on almost all the time. I have awful intrusive thoughts about many different things, and so many things that don't bother other people make me lose my mind. I also have thought mirroring as apart of OCD which is one of the worst parts for me, it's so draining and almost everything makes me feel it. Almost everything I do is centred around the number 6.
Autism is probably the main reason I'm scared to make friends, and loneliness is the primary reason I want to CTB, so if I wasn't autistic I probably wouldn't be suicidal. I can't speak to other people that well. I'm not nonverbal, but I mostly just give short responses to things and I can't start conversations on my own, and when I do speak, its almost always about my special interests which most people find weird, so it puts people off even more. I can't hold a conversation, I can't make eye contact, I have meltdowns where I act like a toddler. At best I'm walking around in circles and not responding to anyone
I've had Autism all my life and OCD since I was in elementary school, they've both ruined my life and are a massive reason why I want to CTB

 

[DoubleUp8]

I'm 70 to begin answering mortetrapoco. I also have back/spine issues that my neurologist some years ago asked me while looking at MRI of my spine " why don't you ever complain about back pain? It's the worst 1 I've ever seen. Every disc is ruptured and it's the worst case of arthritis I've ever seen" I told her truthfully hell I don't even call that pain. That's minor league pain. At the time I was in a 60+ days stay at hospital suffering from kidney failure which left my feet paralyzed and caused extensive nervous system/brain damage, dystrophy in my legs/feet all the way into the bone and a type of cerebral palsy. There are other issues as well but for the sake of not going on too long I'll stop here. Been on hunger strike and not eaten for 2 weeks and really feeling that now

 

[dreaming_of_pearl]

How many of you are suicidal for these reasons?

How many of you are suicidal for these reasons?

My stomach is partially paralyzed it's not even my fucking fault it's my parents fault for not getting me proper testing so then I was put on high doses of Sertaline for a year and a half and when I tapered off it my body went into shock I can't eat, I can't smoke weed, I can't take meds, it's gotten a bit better but FUCK DUDE I was a semi popular cosplayer!!! I had everything layed out to succeed. Evreyhing I hope to go this is temporary in relation to the withdrawals. Apparently Zoloft is HELL to withdrawals from. I remember the day I googled what gastreoparasis is I screamed and begged it to be a lie. This part was haunting to read. I never forgot how my world shattered.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

Kinda in the same boat with damages done by psych meds but that can't really be assessed ("all in my head"). I don't want to give more details to protect my privacy.

 

[Mortetrapoco]

My stomach is partially paralyzed it's not even my fucking fault it's my parents fault for not getting me proper testing so then I was put on high doses of Sertaline for a year and a half and when I tapered off it my body went into shock I can't eat, I can't smoke weed, I can't take meds, it's gotten a bit better but FUCK DUDE I was a semi popular cosplayer!!! I had everything layed out to succeed. Evreyhing I hope to go this is temporary in relation to the withdrawals. Apparently Zoloft is HELL to withdrawals from. I remember the day I googled what gastreoparasis is I screamed and begged it to be a lie. This part was haunting to read. I never forgot how my world shattered.View attachment 124898

I understand you, i had everything before the pain started and i didn't even realize that. I am really sorry for your condintion.

 

[DoubleUp8]

Nothinggoldcanstay said went from healthy to disabled overnight. I had that same experience. 18 years ago I went from more than able bodied to severely disabled overnight and often think that's the worst and it's easier on people who are born disabled because that's all they have ever known. I think much harder on you mentally/emotionally to be able bodied and become crippled later in life. I could be wrong

 

[nothinggoldcanstay]

I was pretty fucked even before this happened, being autistic with Tourettes, CPTSD, severe OCD, misophonia, some bouts of derealization and depersonalization, depressed as a result of many factors, and later on severe panic attacks and emetophobia that ruled over my life. I sought "professional" help from a psychiatrist and as the unlucky individual I am, I ended up getting toxic encephalopathy from the antidepressants I was put on. That was 4 years ago and long story short, it triggered CFS, permanent depersonalization and derealization and also caused a neurocognitive disorder (aka dementia). I live in what is essentially a third-world country so I'm left to rot but honestly, I know some people in the same situation as me from other countries and I know that even if I was in a country with the best possible health care system there still wouldn't be a way to save me.

I'm currently 21, I've been living like this since I was 17 and my life before that was mostly filled with stress, trauma and loneliness. I wish I could live but suicide feels like a necessity.




I'm so sorry that I don't have much to offer as comforting words but I just wanted to mention how deeply I empathize with you. My symptoms are identical to long covid (and I also have CFS so there's that) and I know how much of a struggle living like this is, there aren't words to describe the hell that this is. I'm sure our experiences aren't exactly the same but for me it feels like I'm not even alive anymore, like my body technically is but my soul, my consciousness are hanging by a thread. I completely get you about the "flu + hangover + concussion" feeling. The worst part is that there's nothing you can even do to make it go away or get some relief, it's just a constant.

It's so unfair to have to go through this, I question every day what I've done to deserve this even though I'm perfectly aware it's just... life. It's so hard having to explain yourself to people, going through the constant gaslighting and invalidation. If the illness doesn't push you towards suicide then people's attitude would.

I'm so sorry for your suffering and that this happened to you at such a young age. I've always had random health issues but I made it to my 30s before my body completely gave out so I guess I should be grateful for that. Like you I want to live, I have so many things I still wanted to do and experience, but this is not living. The suffering is relentless without a single day of relief.
I completely understand when you say you don't feel alive anymore. I feel like a ghost in my own life, a shadow of who I was, watching life happen for others while I'm trapped in this broken body, in this bed, day after day. And even the chronic illness communities are so full of toxic positivity it makes me feel even worse.

 

[CPY]

At least you can get welfare for that

 

[GMOpNsOTW9J]

Sa

Nothinggoldcanstay said went from healthy to disabled overnight. I had that same experience. 18 years ago I went from more than able bodied to severely disabled overnight and often think that's the worst and it's easier on people who are born disabled because that's all they have ever known. I think much harder on you mentally/emotionally to be able bodied and become crippled later in life. I could be wrong

Same. Quadriplegia. What happened to you?

 

[DoubleUp8]

My disability is a byproduct of kidney failure
I haven't figured out how to do the quotes from other posts here yet

 

[smeltingtheiron]

I believe that's a big reason for why I feel suicidal. I have eczema on my face and the back of my legs (or more specifically my ass), and it can be so painful and humiliating. There are times where I look like an acid victim and it makes me want to not ever leave the house, not to mention it's a constant discomfort to actual pain. There are times where I can't sleep because I'm flaring up so bad that my skin is constantly oozing and weeping so it causes the blankets to stick to my legs or face or that it's painfully throbbing and itchy. This is to a lesser extent, but I have had a kidney transplant (Wilms Tumor) and as a result I'm reliant on expensive medications to live and I can't have children and while those things are more inconveniences in the grand scheme of things it still pains me that I have to live in this body. I don't want to have to be big-pharma's pay-piggy if I want to live a long life, I hate that I can't even drink alcohol because it would fuck up my kidney and renal failure ain't the way I want to ctb.

 

[Lycan]

How many of you are suicidal for these reasons?

I am.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

Yes. I had a very bad reaction to weed two years ago probably seeded by my use of lsd years prior and now have constant visual distortions and severe depression that goes in weekly bipolar like episodes.

If you already have anything resembling a mental illness (adhd, anxiety, depression etc) DO NOT EVER do psychoactive drugs. It might not do anything to start, but it will change your brain eventually and take away who you are until you're useless.

Don't think it won't happen to you. There's way too much pro marijuana content online these days and it borders on criminal negligence in my opinion. It's so easy to find articles to confirm whatever you want to believe in the age of the internet. Take responsibility for your own mental health before something bad happens! I don't mean this in a judge mental way, I just would hate for it to happen to anyone else unnecessarily. It's tragic to live in regret.

 

[Mortetrapoco]

I am.

What disease you have if i May ask?

I believe that's a big reason for why I feel suicidal. I have eczema on my face and the back of my legs (or more specifically my ass), and it can be so painful and humiliating. There are times where I look like an acid victim and it makes me want to not ever leave the house, not to mention it's a constant discomfort to actual pain. There are times where I can't sleep because I'm flaring up so bad that my skin is constantly oozing and weeping so it causes the blankets to stick to my legs or face or that it's painfully throbbing and itchy. This is to a lesser extent, but I have had a kidney transplant (Wilms Tumor) and as a result I'm reliant on expensive medications to live and I can't have children and while those things are more inconveniences in the grand scheme of things it still pains me that I have to live in this body. I don't want to have to be big-pharma's pay-piggy if I want to live a long life, I hate that I can't even drink alcohol because it would fuck up my kidney and renal failure ain't the way I want to ctb.

I am really sorry for your condition.

 

[Lycan]

What disease you have if i May ask?

I am really sorry for your condition.

I've got transplacental Lyme Disease and an Auto Immune Disease called Pandas. Both of which I'm sure only aggravate My Asperger's and OCD that last one being the worst part of my existence. The physical pain each day is Horrific. But the mental torture is infinitely worse.

 

[BlazingBob]

My situation is truly hopeless. I'm tired of being in mental and physical pain. I've suffered enough. The breaking point will be homelessness which is inevitable.