People whose ctb date is more than several weeks away, how are you coping?

[Pure]

I'm holding off until October but it's been very difficult for me.

I'm very much distant and not the same which makes my normal socialization difficult.

I want to see my date as just another day and not alter my normal actions but like I said it's difficult due to the emotional toll my choice is leading to.

Anyone else in the same boat?

 

[xBrialesana]

drug

 

[Pure]

drug

Unfortunately I can't be high 24/7 as much as I would like to be

 

[Celerity]

If you can believe it or not, I'm still on the fucking fence despite all my grandstanding posts about getting a weapon. I have minuscule hope that my life can improve. I just don't know how to make my suicide better for my family. If I could make it look accidental, I would. And then of course, deep down and ever present, is the fear of death.

 

[CatTheBus5689]

I'm actually the opposite, my decision doesn't feel real and I'm just living life normally, outside of not thinking of the next year my life hasn't really changed which is kinda depressing in itself. My life didn't hardly changed when covid started either.

I'm actually worried that the gravity of my choice won't hit me until I get closer to the date and I have to carry out the final preparations like going to gun store and I'll change my mind. I was hoping to get some antidepressants so give me an extra push but you need a prescription for them.

 

[Pure]

And then of course, deep down and ever present, is the fear of death.

Yepppp. Fear of the death, fear of the unknown, fear of what you'll leave behind

I'm still on the fucking fence despite all my grandstanding posts about getting a weapon.

Nothing wrong with this btw...(being on the fence)

 

[Bedrock48]

I'm sorry you're struggling.

As for me, I'm doing relatively well. Coping in unhealthy ways at times but not feeling terrible. Just kinda indifferent to life. Living for the sake of living and not really wanting to die so I'm just filling my time with stuff until things change.

 

[nobodyspecial]

Trying to sleep as much as I can and drink heavily when I can't.

 

[Lost Magic]

I stopped setting dates for CTB because, things came up, and I never went through with it anyway. When life gets to an unbearably sad level I am sure I will know when the right time is. It is very difficult to self terminate. Very difficult.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm hoping I can make it to sometime in early September but it could come as soon as this week potentially. To make matters more difficult, this is not what I really want deep down and I cannot lie, I am angry and bitter as hell about all of this. I had fantasized about suicide for so long because 1.) I'm a nihilist and have been so for a long time and 2.) circumstances out of my control had made me question whether it was really worth it after all. I reached a point a few years back where I found my way and life was looking up for once but it would all come crashing down. Of course, I was only set up for crushing disappointment like so many times before. For once I actually had a taste of life and I began seeing it as a blessing rather than a curse for once but by that point it was already too late for me. I've always thought that there was a high chance that I'd go out by suicide but I was expecting in my 40's or 50's, not in my late 20's. I also was expecting to have done at least something, anything, subjectively meaningful with my life before then but unfortunately, that's not how it would turn out after all.

I can't even describe what the past 3 years have been like for me but inner hell and now it's finally coming to an end. I am unprepared materially and to a lesser extant mentally and that has only added even more stress to having already been up to my neck in it! I just want this horrid nightmare to finally end but I have a real hard time letting go. I'm so furious being trapped like this and how rotten the world is. I'm hoping that it will at least truly be the end of it all and I can resume non-existence forever as if I had never had it to begin with but I may be denied even that mercy. It just sounds so crazy to me now that we are brought into existence for such an infinitesimally small amount of time and taken out of it permanently. I never gave it much thought how insane existence is until I became suicidal and starting reading up on physics and philosophy.

In short, I'm coping on one hand and not coping at all on the other. It helps that I understand that everything in this universe was determined since the very beginning but in a way, that makes it worse, just knowing that I was born to be ruthlessly tormented and then killed. What was the point?! Of course, there was none to begin with. What makes it harder to cope is how betrayed I had been by people who are supposed to care for you, so much wasted potential that I didn't see until it was already too late, so many things that I had been wanting to do but would never get to do them... I've been feeling like my hypothetical soul has been getting murdered mercilessly on the inside and it's taking a long time to die.

Before anyone asks, this has to be done and I 100% cannot be talked out of it. Just because I am sure on suicide doesn't mean that I'm happy about it.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Just trudging along...
Trudging... what a word... hahahahaha... love it...

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm the type who would never be able to stick to a date. I am likely to leave once I reach the point of desperation. I try to sleep as much as possible really and just try to pass the time.

 

[IWantToSleep]

I'm going to rehab to see if that magically fixes me so that will kill three months, then hopefully in early 2022 I'll cbt, I don't have normal actions so that doesn't matter for me.

 

[Apricity]

Xanax. Xanax every day. I don't get enough at one time to just take them all, plus I don't have a strong antiemetic to make sure it stays down. I've mixed Xanax with Flexeril and whiskey and slept a whole day away. I wish I could just be like one of those rappers and slip away high as a kite.

 

[Alcatraz_anthrax]

I have to wait until September due to some personal reasons related to my family. I am planning to use SN.
So right now, I'm just fantasizing about the release of death but also, like, deathly scared of what my family, friends and relatives will think.
I don't want them to think I am a coward and I don't want them to blame themselves in any way.
It sounds immature but I think I'll ask them to forget that I ever existed within a month. A month should be enough to grieve, right?