bpdscared9
scared kitty
- Apr 21, 2026
- 105
Hello folks, today I'm sharing a bit something way too personal, I would like an advice coming from someone who may be going through the same things. I'm sorry for the long text.
I have BPD, I've been diagnosed for a very long time along with PTSD and DID. I'm basically a system. However, that's not the main topic, it's just an inside look so you may be aware of certain things.
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for one year now (mostly a situationship during that whole year) and officially we started dating three months ago. She's a very unstable person with also BPD and OCD in process of being diagnosed.
When we first met she was going through some grief about her ex girlfriend, I was there to support her and hold her during the whole process, we started having feeling and later, falling in love. Although, I became a protector. I carried her mental health with my everytime I had the chance, during her episodes, crisis, sh relapses, even ed relapses too. I was there always showing her my love and devotion. I know and I recognize that I also failed in many things in a past, I have a very high expectation of myself in a relationship, being "the perfect girlfriend" and I also own a savior complex since I always wanted to safe her from CTB during the whole process and I did... I was able to "save" her but I lose myself in the middle. I love her so much or at least, I try to say that to myself.
She hurt me so much in a past, during that whole year she got way to comfortable in the relationship and don't misunderstand me, I created a safe bubble for her, a safe space where she was able to cry, vent or just stay there. But in a certain point, my emotions were put to the side, my needs. She was very unaffectionate, constantly saying that she was being "seen" or "hear" by her family when I called her out for it; she changed that and yet, I feel awful regretful of my decisions, I don't want it anymore.
I don't wanna be around her anymore, I fear that this may be the end of our relationship since I thought at first it was only a split but it's been months like this. I'm not affectionate anymore (which is very odd because I have a very anxious attachment), during our relationship there was multiple times when my alters (including me) we felt like we were losing feelings for her for those exact reasons. I was constantly neglected by her, often when I tried to communicate (I have very hard issues with communication) I was invalidated, my girlfriend always denied those allegations but it was impossible not to feel that way when she started crying or having an episode because I truly expressed how I felt.
For years, I did very well with my episodes, depression and mostly BPD in general, including CTB but since I met her, I've been awfully depressed and very close to CTB multiple times, I don't wanna blame her fully for my bad mental health but it's undeniable that she worsen my conditions with her attitudes. We had a tough conversation not a while ago when she promised me to change, to be different.
A few days ago she shared her thoughts about me, after offering a safe space for it, shielding herself by saying that her thoughts were "irrational" and she wasn't really feeling that way... However I wasn't expecting hearing from my girlfriend that I was a hypocrite, that I only focused in myself when I felt bad and never about her (when I always clearly did as I explained, even putting my emotions to the side most of the times), that I was an awful person for not carrying and enough and apparently, I was also hurting her in many ways I didn't even realize, she mentioned that I only cared about her when she was doing and never when she was doing well and I had to apparently guess her mood that day (which it was always very exhausting), despite of her efforts of saying that it was "irrational", I totally believe that this is how she truly feels about me, her tone, expressions and emotions were enough to prove it and since then, I promised to change for her, to be a better person but I've been unable to even express myself, to even say I love you or to even be around her anymore.
Being around her feels like I'm being tortured and cage like a bird, she never gave me a properly safe space like I did and when I had the chance to speak loudly about it, there was a gun pointing at my head which I never did with her. She also mentioned that I always got defensive when she opened up about her feeling and even if she was right about certain situations in a past, I always tried my best to be understanding and affectionate about it. I know my own episodes may be hard to handle since I really need to isolate for days until I'm back to normal and communicating doesn't really works for me and my regulation system at all. She always pushes me to communicate even when I felt closed off and scared. Often crying and trying to manipulate me into fixing everything in the moment what lead me multiple times to mute myself, unable to speak or say anything related to my emotions and also her to keep pushing and pushing until I ended up crying and it was there when she reacted and stopped, apologized and tried to comfort me but I felt in so much danger that multiple times I had to run from her and just lock myself alone until I was able to get out and speak about my feelings days later.
It's not the full story but I would like some advice or words about it since I'm really thinking about CTB soon for different reasons, being her one of them and one of the main ones since I'm unable to free myself from this relationship and her grasp, thank you.
I have BPD, I've been diagnosed for a very long time along with PTSD and DID. I'm basically a system. However, that's not the main topic, it's just an inside look so you may be aware of certain things.
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for one year now (mostly a situationship during that whole year) and officially we started dating three months ago. She's a very unstable person with also BPD and OCD in process of being diagnosed.
When we first met she was going through some grief about her ex girlfriend, I was there to support her and hold her during the whole process, we started having feeling and later, falling in love. Although, I became a protector. I carried her mental health with my everytime I had the chance, during her episodes, crisis, sh relapses, even ed relapses too. I was there always showing her my love and devotion. I know and I recognize that I also failed in many things in a past, I have a very high expectation of myself in a relationship, being "the perfect girlfriend" and I also own a savior complex since I always wanted to safe her from CTB during the whole process and I did... I was able to "save" her but I lose myself in the middle. I love her so much or at least, I try to say that to myself.
She hurt me so much in a past, during that whole year she got way to comfortable in the relationship and don't misunderstand me, I created a safe bubble for her, a safe space where she was able to cry, vent or just stay there. But in a certain point, my emotions were put to the side, my needs. She was very unaffectionate, constantly saying that she was being "seen" or "hear" by her family when I called her out for it; she changed that and yet, I feel awful regretful of my decisions, I don't want it anymore.
I don't wanna be around her anymore, I fear that this may be the end of our relationship since I thought at first it was only a split but it's been months like this. I'm not affectionate anymore (which is very odd because I have a very anxious attachment), during our relationship there was multiple times when my alters (including me) we felt like we were losing feelings for her for those exact reasons. I was constantly neglected by her, often when I tried to communicate (I have very hard issues with communication) I was invalidated, my girlfriend always denied those allegations but it was impossible not to feel that way when she started crying or having an episode because I truly expressed how I felt.
For years, I did very well with my episodes, depression and mostly BPD in general, including CTB but since I met her, I've been awfully depressed and very close to CTB multiple times, I don't wanna blame her fully for my bad mental health but it's undeniable that she worsen my conditions with her attitudes. We had a tough conversation not a while ago when she promised me to change, to be different.
A few days ago she shared her thoughts about me, after offering a safe space for it, shielding herself by saying that her thoughts were "irrational" and she wasn't really feeling that way... However I wasn't expecting hearing from my girlfriend that I was a hypocrite, that I only focused in myself when I felt bad and never about her (when I always clearly did as I explained, even putting my emotions to the side most of the times), that I was an awful person for not carrying and enough and apparently, I was also hurting her in many ways I didn't even realize, she mentioned that I only cared about her when she was doing and never when she was doing well and I had to apparently guess her mood that day (which it was always very exhausting), despite of her efforts of saying that it was "irrational", I totally believe that this is how she truly feels about me, her tone, expressions and emotions were enough to prove it and since then, I promised to change for her, to be a better person but I've been unable to even express myself, to even say I love you or to even be around her anymore.
Being around her feels like I'm being tortured and cage like a bird, she never gave me a properly safe space like I did and when I had the chance to speak loudly about it, there was a gun pointing at my head which I never did with her. She also mentioned that I always got defensive when she opened up about her feeling and even if she was right about certain situations in a past, I always tried my best to be understanding and affectionate about it. I know my own episodes may be hard to handle since I really need to isolate for days until I'm back to normal and communicating doesn't really works for me and my regulation system at all. She always pushes me to communicate even when I felt closed off and scared. Often crying and trying to manipulate me into fixing everything in the moment what lead me multiple times to mute myself, unable to speak or say anything related to my emotions and also her to keep pushing and pushing until I ended up crying and it was there when she reacted and stopped, apologized and tried to comfort me but I felt in so much danger that multiple times I had to run from her and just lock myself alone until I was able to get out and speak about my feelings days later.
It's not the full story but I would like some advice or words about it since I'm really thinking about CTB soon for different reasons, being her one of them and one of the main ones since I'm unable to free myself from this relationship and her grasp, thank you.
