Venting People Don’t Know What to Say to Us

[Al Cappella]

It says venting, but is really only a semi-vent. Still. Here's the thing—people are spectacularly ill prepared to handle us suicidal folks and what we're thinking. It's not their fault. No one teaches this stuff, it's not out there nearly enough yet. We are barely past the point cancer was called the "C" word in hushed tones by ordinary people who thought it was contagious. Same thing with the aids epidemic.

Both aids and cancer can now be talked openly about—but not with everyone. You still have to screen. It will, in time, be the same with suicide—it's how these things vector.

Now the venting bit. And ya, it might piss some people off. I'm ok with that. Here's the thing, until we get to that inclusion point where people are more receptive to suicidality we need to figure out a couple of things—unless we enjoy being even more miserable and alone. Some are into that. You know, when I had my first major attempt, after I was discharged from the loony bin, I told my father "Dad, I tried to kill myself". Just matter of factly, not trying to get a reaction, I'm not even really sure why I said anything. I will never forget his reaction "don't you ever say that, don't you ever say that to anyone!"

I was angry, hurt, felt that what I was living was being erased—the whole nine. I spent a lot of years pointlessly blaming. It wasn't his fault, nor was it mine. It isn't about fault. We have to—it sucks, I know—teach people how to deal with us. They simply don't know. Even therapists don't know how to genuinely engage with the topic of suicide. And you know, if we're honest—we don't fucking know how to deal with it. I don't.

But. What doesn't help is going on about this normie or pro-lifer shit as though people are on opposite sides of warring fucking clans. Unless that's what's wanted of course. Because the truth is, half of not being understood is not being able to communicate. The world isn't fair for anyone, we do not have that market cornered. We're all here together, for as long as we got.

Anyway, who the fuck am I to say anything to anyone. I'm nothing special, and obviously don't have much of anything figured out. But what if—just what if—we tried to better help people to understand, so the next batch of poor fuckers coming along won't have quite as hard a time of it?

 

[its-about-time]

Well I just fuckin love this. Seriously.

Yeah it's not easy. I'm queer. Even in this much more improved age, I still have to do a LOT of educating. Not so much about my sexuality anymore but definitely about my gender. Sometimes it feels good to help people understand. Most people do want to understand and don't realize how harmful their ignorance is. But it becomes a huge burden to constantly have to explain and justify and educate others on your own existence. I think it would be something similar with "coming out" about being suicidal, though obviously there are huge differences and it's a small comparison. But I do think it's worth doing. It's just a difficult thing to take on. If everyone took it on at the same time it would be much easier.

 

[Weebster]

No. Fuck normies and pro lifer trash! Wake the fuck up. They are the enemy. They are our obstacle to a peaceful death.

 

[Al Cappella]

Well I just fuckin love this. Seriously.

Yeah it's not easy. I'm queer. Even in this much more improved age, I still have to do a LOT of educating. Not so much about my sexuality anymore but definitely about my gender. Sometimes it feels good to help people understand. Most people do want to understand and don't realize how harmful their ignorance is. But it becomes a huge burden to constantly have to explain and justify and educate others on your own existence. I think it would be something similar with "coming out" about being suicidal, though obviously there are huge differences and it's a small comparison. But I do think it's worth doing. It's just a difficult thing to take on. If everyone took it on at the same time it would be much easier.

That's actually a great analogy—it would be similar if a person were gay/queer—well whatever lifestyle that wasn't typically hetero. It's exhausting. I'm actually "training" my counsellor, and she's no longer going through the checklist whenever suicidality comes up. Because I want to be able to talk about it—while at the same time respecting and understanding her perspective. So ya, in the beginning you lie. But eventually there's trust enough…

No. Fuck normies and pro lifer trash! Wake the fuck up. They are the enemy. They are our obstacle to a peaceful death.

I know that's a popular point of view with some here, so be it. It's also possible to floss with a chainsaw and then blame your dentist for not supporting you. It's similarly pointless.

 

[its-about-time]

That's actually a great analogy—it would be similar if a person were gay/queer—well whatever lifestyle that wasn't typically hetero. It's exhausting. I'm actually "training" my counsellor, and she's no longer going through the checklist whenever suicidality comes up. Because I want to be able to talk about it—while at the same time respecting and understanding her perspective. So ya, in the beginning you lie. But eventually there's trust enough…

I'm totally in a similar place with my therapist. I've set some hard boundaries about what I won't share regarding suicidal thoughts. I was worried that would prompt her to take action based on assumptions, but she has respected that boundary and we've been able to discuss it pretty frankly. This is a big change from my previous "say all or say nothing" approach. I've been building trust with her for years to get to this point. It makes me happy to hear that you have a good thing going too!

 

[Al Cappella]

I'm totally in a similar place with my therapist. I've set some hard boundaries about what I won't share regarding suicidal thoughts. I was worried that would prompt her to take action based on assumptions, but she has respected that boundary and we've been able to discuss it pretty frankly. This is a big change from my previous "say all or say nothing" approach. I've been building trust with her for years to get to this point. It makes me happy to hear that you have a good thing going too!

Honestly, I was soooo nervous to even try. I was sure she was going to react—well, as they all usually do. And that was the first time I ever tried that, too. The world really is changing. Slowly, with a lot of backward steps, but it is changing…

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that people will only ever be able to understand if they are suicidal themselves. Even then it is very hard to understand what others are going through unless they have been through something similar. I do wish that suicide was not so stigmatised and our right to die is respected. We do live in a world with so much suffering after all. I wish you the best.

 

[DontplayGod]

I think the big problem with having to teach others about it is that talking openly about it will likely result it a weeklong vacation to the psych ward. Luckily there are ways to get pass this, you have to be annoyingly open that you have no plan and no intention of committing suicide. If you make that clear you legally cannot be involuntarily hospitalized, and if you're talking to a therapist they legally cannot disclose that information. It's unfortunate we have to go through all of this just to have suicide become something we can talk about honestly, but hopefully if we destroy the stigma we may eventually have the right to die with dignity

 

[Al Cappella]

I just think that people will only ever be able to understand if they are suicidal themselves. Even then it is very hard to understand what others are going through unless they have been through something similar. I do wish that suicide was not so stigmatised and our right to die is respected. We do live in a world with so much suffering after all. I wish you the best.

I think that's true. But I think empathy is way more important, and being willing to listen. I can't understand what it's like to have stage 4 lymphoma unless I'm there—but I can understand how it might feel if I'm willing to listen. I think, over time, the stigma will get less.

I think the big problem with having to teach others about it is that talking openly about it will likely result it a weeklong vacation to the psych ward. Luckily there are ways to get pass this, you have to be annoyingly open that you have no plan and no intention of committing suicide. If you make that clear you legally cannot be involuntarily hospitalized, and if you're talking to a therapist they legally cannot disclose that information. It's unfortunate we have to go through all of this just to have suicide become something we can talk about honestly, but hopefully if we destroy the stigma we may eventually have the right to die with dignity

Yes, the tricky bit is avoiding that vacation. I just got sick of having to lie, so I always led with saying I wasn't in crisis, that I wasn't doing it today. The irony is that the plan idea is really outdated. A large percentage of suicides are impulsive, and so don't even fit into their understanding of how things work.

I had to do something though, because I have frequent suicidal ideations—even when there's nothing wrong. Well nothing more than usual. And now I see much more inclusivity with respect to all sorts of lifestyles and conditions—and we're still supposed to keep our mouths shut? No, I don't think so.