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I've had peaks and valleys. When I was in HS, I didn't think I'd ever be happy. Had a few years of success, married a girl I met, was distracted and happy for a few years. Then divorce. I would have said I peaked at that point. My mood became dark again. But I focused on travel and started learning about other cultures and history and my career took aff again. Making money, traveling the world, feeling on top of the world. I decided to do something different. Got burned by someone I trusted. Dark thoughts again. I could say I've probably peaked but wtf do I know. Life is up and down for me. I've always had demons, just sometimes they don't occupy as many thought cycles as other times.......
Every time something happens I feel like it can't get worse, but then it always does. I'm so tired of life at this point. More importantly, I'm tired that people I trusted break their promises and leave. I don't understand how it's so easy for everyone to just forget me when I gave them my everything. I feel like I gave so much of me to everyone that I don't have anything left for myself anymore. And still it isn't enough for them. I'm never enough for them.
Yes, and it's really painful to think about because the peak was only 3 years ago. It's too easy to compare my life then to the shitshow it is now. Only consoling thought is that the peak was pretty short-lived. Somehow, realizing it was a fluke makes me feel better, like maybe it's not really my fault for the downward spiral afterwards.
All I know is that it feels like life only chips away at my character; it never adds to it. Depression is simply who I am now. There's not much left besides it.