Hey all, please accept my prior apology for the incoming tirade:
So after 10 months of utter torture from nerve pain I'm cracking up. I haven't much time left.
As I become increasingly sleep deprived (as I can't sleep through the pain, even with medication much of the time) I am literally losing my sanity; hallucinations, extreme anxiety, terrible mood swings and crying jags are all part of the "fun".
Utterly horrendous- would not recommend "death by sleep deprivation" in the slightest; it literally feels like a nightmare. In fact, recently I awoke from a nightmare disappointed as real life was far, far worse- I wanted desperately to go back to the lovely nightmare.
Unwanted thoughts repeat endlessly in one's head, including thoughts of torture and death, and an endless loop of intense dread, despair, and the gnawing realisation that I'm dying horribly regail me with their dulcet tones every single moment I'm awake, every day without fail.
Literally wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I sincerely mean that.
Although I'm only 30, Rather than allow this horrific, undeserved torture to run its course, the obvious and only solution is to put an end to it.
It's a shame as I'm sure I might have led a productive, happy life under different circumstances, and went to great lengths to help others whilst I was still functional, but unfortunately I committed the cardinal sin of having a molar pulled, which caused a poorly aligned bite that led to nerve damage in my right shoulder. And apparently we don't have drugs that work bugger all for nerve pain. Isn't that wonderful!?
Also since I committed the second cardinal sin of being born in an uncivilised country (New Zealand), I am expected to live out the remainder of my days (probably in and out of mental wards) feeling my sanity slip until such time that I die, possibly of dementia or some other horrific sleep-related illness. Lovely.
If this is 10 months, I can't imagine what horrors several years might bring... turns the stomach just thinking about it.
Also I just wanna say that it is a true indictment of the human spirit that euthanasia isn't available for this suffering. Governments truly own us when they decide whether or not we're entitled to die by humane means. We're like cattle. Actually, lower than cattle...
We're worth less than animals. Even Ol' Yeller gets a bullet to the brain. But no, the beings most acutely aware of suffering should be those to bear it to the grim and bitter end.
Makes sense, right? Right!?
Organisations such as Dignitas truly are like Angels upon the earth. It's comforting to know that there are people out there who care enough to actually assist suffering individuals.
The reality is that people can and often do commit suicide. In light of this fact, why it has to be done in loneliness, shame and pain I do not know.
unless pro lifers have a magic wand with which to wave at people's problems to make them bearable, I suggest... well I won't say what I suggest, but I'll let your imagination do the work there.
I'd love to go and die like a civilised human being at such a place, but I'm flat broke... and I don't think I'd last through the process of screening. Honestly I don't even know how I've lasted this long! Certainly not by choice.
Don't suppose there's a gofundme option for euthanasia? Hahaha.
Anyway all crazed prattle aside,
Am hoping to hear from those who have had peaceful hanging experiences.
Since I'm not worth a bullet, despite having harmed nobody in my time here, and doing my best for those around me to the most of my ability throughout my life, I have no choice but to use one of my least preferred options- hanging! Hooray!!
I'd much rather, say, a heroin overdose, after all I've been through.
But why should that be available when there are drug-crazed lunatics to attend to? (Heroin is fairly difficult to get here- or maybe I just don't know shady enough people).
Also, my third and final sin was reaching out for "help" from the system for my sheer insanity.
Rather than helping in any way, shape or form, this only served to put me on a blacklist for firearms, which I'm just thrilled about.
Seriously though, any peaceful attempts at hanging, as well as pointers, would be greatly appreciated. I humbly request that negative experiences be ommitted, as I don't have any other option at this point other than Train, and as a PTSD sufferer I can't seem to bring myself to do that to the poor driver.
I am terrified of what I'm finally going to have to do to myself. I've come fairly close to passing out using partial suspension, but found I couldn't overcome my SI.
So again, any peaceful experiences, including medications and methods, are very, very welcome.
A sincere thank you to all you lovely people. You've been so kind. If I could give you all a peaceful exit I would. Wishing one were dead is truly a terrible experience no person should ever have to live through in this day and age. Makes you wonder what metrics we should use to define "progress"...
So after 10 months of utter torture from nerve pain I'm cracking up. I haven't much time left.
As I become increasingly sleep deprived (as I can't sleep through the pain, even with medication much of the time) I am literally losing my sanity; hallucinations, extreme anxiety, terrible mood swings and crying jags are all part of the "fun".
Utterly horrendous- would not recommend "death by sleep deprivation" in the slightest; it literally feels like a nightmare. In fact, recently I awoke from a nightmare disappointed as real life was far, far worse- I wanted desperately to go back to the lovely nightmare.
Unwanted thoughts repeat endlessly in one's head, including thoughts of torture and death, and an endless loop of intense dread, despair, and the gnawing realisation that I'm dying horribly regail me with their dulcet tones every single moment I'm awake, every day without fail.
Literally wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I sincerely mean that.
Although I'm only 30, Rather than allow this horrific, undeserved torture to run its course, the obvious and only solution is to put an end to it.
It's a shame as I'm sure I might have led a productive, happy life under different circumstances, and went to great lengths to help others whilst I was still functional, but unfortunately I committed the cardinal sin of having a molar pulled, which caused a poorly aligned bite that led to nerve damage in my right shoulder. And apparently we don't have drugs that work bugger all for nerve pain. Isn't that wonderful!?
Also since I committed the second cardinal sin of being born in an uncivilised country (New Zealand), I am expected to live out the remainder of my days (probably in and out of mental wards) feeling my sanity slip until such time that I die, possibly of dementia or some other horrific sleep-related illness. Lovely.
If this is 10 months, I can't imagine what horrors several years might bring... turns the stomach just thinking about it.
Also I just wanna say that it is a true indictment of the human spirit that euthanasia isn't available for this suffering. Governments truly own us when they decide whether or not we're entitled to die by humane means. We're like cattle. Actually, lower than cattle...
We're worth less than animals. Even Ol' Yeller gets a bullet to the brain. But no, the beings most acutely aware of suffering should be those to bear it to the grim and bitter end.
Makes sense, right? Right!?
Organisations such as Dignitas truly are like Angels upon the earth. It's comforting to know that there are people out there who care enough to actually assist suffering individuals.
The reality is that people can and often do commit suicide. In light of this fact, why it has to be done in loneliness, shame and pain I do not know.
unless pro lifers have a magic wand with which to wave at people's problems to make them bearable, I suggest... well I won't say what I suggest, but I'll let your imagination do the work there.
I'd love to go and die like a civilised human being at such a place, but I'm flat broke... and I don't think I'd last through the process of screening. Honestly I don't even know how I've lasted this long! Certainly not by choice.
Don't suppose there's a gofundme option for euthanasia? Hahaha.
Anyway all crazed prattle aside,
Am hoping to hear from those who have had peaceful hanging experiences.
Since I'm not worth a bullet, despite having harmed nobody in my time here, and doing my best for those around me to the most of my ability throughout my life, I have no choice but to use one of my least preferred options- hanging! Hooray!!
I'd much rather, say, a heroin overdose, after all I've been through.
But why should that be available when there are drug-crazed lunatics to attend to? (Heroin is fairly difficult to get here- or maybe I just don't know shady enough people).
Also, my third and final sin was reaching out for "help" from the system for my sheer insanity.
Rather than helping in any way, shape or form, this only served to put me on a blacklist for firearms, which I'm just thrilled about.
Seriously though, any peaceful attempts at hanging, as well as pointers, would be greatly appreciated. I humbly request that negative experiences be ommitted, as I don't have any other option at this point other than Train, and as a PTSD sufferer I can't seem to bring myself to do that to the poor driver.
I am terrified of what I'm finally going to have to do to myself. I've come fairly close to passing out using partial suspension, but found I couldn't overcome my SI.
So again, any peaceful experiences, including medications and methods, are very, very welcome.
A sincere thank you to all you lovely people. You've been so kind. If I could give you all a peaceful exit I would. Wishing one were dead is truly a terrible experience no person should ever have to live through in this day and age. Makes you wonder what metrics we should use to define "progress"...
