Panic of 'the final straw'

[CantDoIt]

Something happened today that made my desire to ctb much more urgent. However, being in the urgent state is much more unpleasant and I hate living in a rush to die. I would prefer to plan it out well and have some time to think. But now, I know I wanna do it and it feels urgent on a sort of way which is difficult to come to terms with. I have a method already but haven't yet planned how I'm going to go, where, etc. I am not going to do anything on impulse but this is a special kind of hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing but anyway I wish you the best, it's so dreadful to me how existing can easily get worse.

 

[shrobae]

Something happened today that made my desire to ctb much more urgent. However, being in the urgent state is much more unpleasant and I hate living in a rush to die. I would prefer to plan it out well and have some time to think. But now, I know I wanna do it and it feels urgent on a sort of way which is difficult to come to terms with. I have a method already but haven't yet planned how I'm going to go, where, etc. I am not going to do anything on impulse but this is a special kind of hell.

in my faith, this isn't hell, but for me it's close enough. i'm sorry you're struggling

 

[lnlybnny]

I know exactly what you mean. I even commented that on a threat today. It's so overwhelmingly awful having to rush to ctb. It shouldn't be like this. I believe having peace is crucial otherwise it might spoil everything. I need time and space to properly prepare. Even though I've had this idea for over ten years I didn't prepare in a practical sense. And I feel terrible feeling this rush at the moment.

 

[CantDoIt]

I know exactly what you mean. I even commented that on a threat today. It's so overwhelmingly awful having to rush to ctb. It shouldn't be like this. I believe having peace is crucial otherwise it might spoil everything. I need time and space to properly prepare. Even though I've had this idea for over ten years I didn't prepare in a practical sense. And I feel terrible feeling this rush at the moment.

Yeah, especially because I don't have all the materials for a successful ctb. Or rather, a peaceful one.
I have SN, but not the benzos. I prefer N because it's quick and painless and I don't have 20 minutes to think about my decision. I want to do it sometime in the near future.

Preferably within the next two years! Literally cannot let this go on for 10 years. It makes me nervous that my life has a time limit on it and the exit method truly is not ideal for someone prone to ruminating.