ReadyOrNot?
gave up on life long ago
- Feb 13, 2024
- 55
I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I didn't open my letterbox for almost a year. I probably have debt by now. I don't open my door anymore. A few days ago someone rang the bell like a caveman. I was too scared to open. I believe from here some kind of court has to decide that they can break into my apartment. I'm not sure how long that takes. I don't feel safe in my own room anymore.
I KNOW that everything can be repaired, But I don't FEEL that. If not alone, I can ask my family or get help. But the shame is too strong. It's so difficult to transition from thought to DOING for me.
It's just getting worse doing nothing, I know that, but again I can't feel that.
I had an Appointment to get help with my letters but I turned off my alarm clock in a trance like sleepy state. I RLY wanted to go there but I suppose unconsciously I avoided it. Like so many other things. Now they won't answer my calls. I'm afraid it's too late now.
It really feels like there is a death sentence in my letterbox. My body reacts. My heart rate goes sky, I sweat, my body trembles, anxiety is so high. A full panic attack. Only thinking about it is enough for for that. This whole situation is a big trigger for my urge to CTB.
I just want to be left alone. Just want to feel okay for one moment. I don't remember how that feels anymore. I miss my cat in these moments, very much.
I KNOW that everything can be repaired, But I don't FEEL that. If not alone, I can ask my family or get help. But the shame is too strong. It's so difficult to transition from thought to DOING for me.
It's just getting worse doing nothing, I know that, but again I can't feel that.
I had an Appointment to get help with my letters but I turned off my alarm clock in a trance like sleepy state. I RLY wanted to go there but I suppose unconsciously I avoided it. Like so many other things. Now they won't answer my calls. I'm afraid it's too late now.
It really feels like there is a death sentence in my letterbox. My body reacts. My heart rate goes sky, I sweat, my body trembles, anxiety is so high. A full panic attack. Only thinking about it is enough for for that. This whole situation is a big trigger for my urge to CTB.
I just want to be left alone. Just want to feel okay for one moment. I don't remember how that feels anymore. I miss my cat in these moments, very much.
