ordered SN this morning and it already shipped

[perdredenord]

tbh, that blows me away, I didn't expect it to ship so quickly(I'm in the US), and it looks like it's expected to be here by the 20th. I'm so soothed by that. I should get it right as I get paid again, and I can finally go enjoy the rest of my time here.
I'm so happy I found this forum. Thank you all so much! <3 I've struggled for so long with various issues, traumas, and general unsettling/displacing events. I've failed all my tries to ctb, and since the last try I've known that if once I'd tried everything I still was unable to continue, nothing was better, I would make sure I was on the bus the next time. And y'all are so helpful and knowledgeable, I've learned so much from reading for hours, so many of you I can relate to, and though I haven't directly spoken to many of you, I care so much for those in this community, and I am forever grateful that I found you here.
I want to take a couple of weeks and work on my music, and release it as my goodbye to this world.
I've taken so many different medications and tried everything I can, and with current developments in my personal life, my mental health issues and treatments putting a strain on my roommate to the point where she resents me for being too much to deal with(which is absolutely fair, no one should have to deal with my issues), and the garbage happening in DC, the years I've wasted and the debts I've put myself in, the medical issues that no one can seem to figure out, the pandemic... I've tried the hardest I can and every treatment avenue I could find. I can't keep this up anymore. I've wanted to ctb for 14 years, and I've pushed away everyone important in my life due to my issues repeatedly debilitating me to an awful point. And as I keep trying and failing, I fall further and further down, and I become a bitter, angry, venomous monster, and I have less control over it as I continue on. I've done so much to grow and heal, and even with that effort, my brain is still broken. I'm tired. I want to rest, and I think I've done enough to warrant this. Many in my life will likely be at least a bit relieved that I am no longer burdening them. They might feel a bit guilty about it, but it's absolutely understandable. I don't want to deal with me - I can't imagine that someone else would want the additional weight on their shoulders.
Seeing "shipped" on the SN really just... soothed me. I'm so exhausted and ready to take my trip. My music was the only part of me that the people I love truly enjoyed about me, so I want to leave them something as a gift. Maybe then, my life wasn't an absolute waste, and there was something significant I left behind. Even if it was small.
I don't have anyone left anymore, so if there is anyone who wants to talk, I'd love to make at least a couple friends before I embark on my next adventure. <3

 

[WornOutLife]

Just take your time and decide what's better for you properly.
Wish you the best and hope you can find peace.

 

[perdredenord]

Just take your time and decide what's better for you properly.
Wish you the best and hope you can find peace.

Thank you so much.
honestly, I'm probably going to find somewhere green and secluded to rent a place by myself, and just work my job and work on my music, by myself with my cat, where no one else has to deal with me up close and personal. I'll keep the SN regimen on hand and see how I'm faring once I've taken the time completely to myself

 

[Nitup]

Congratulations for you order, hope it will not be delayed because damn that's fast !
May you please keep us updated too please ?

 

[ihavetoleave]

I ordered SN on Xmas day and it arrived much sooner than I expected, three days later instead of the two week shipping time. It is a whole new problem to have it on hand, now I need the strength to commit to using it. I have so many other problems, I thought this would be a way of ending them all yet instead it is another scary thing to worry about. I'm glad you are more accepting of this as a solution, I wish I could be more of this kind of mind set.

 

[Nitup]

I ordered SN on Xmas day and it arrived much sooner than I expected, three days later instead of the two week shipping time. It is a whole new problem to have it on hand, now I need the strength to commit to using it. I have so many other problems, I thought this would be a way of ending them all yet instead it is another scary thing to worry about. I'm glad you are more accepting of this as a solution, I wish I could be more of this kind of mind set.

Are you scared to ctb ? Or maybe more scared to fail no ?

 

[perdredenord]

Congratulations for you order, hope it will not be delayed because damn that's fast !
May you please keep us updated too please ?

Definitely. I'm hoping I can somehow document my experience through all of this! Not sure how to do it without involving someone else though.

I ordered SN on Xmas day and it arrived much sooner than I expected, three days later instead of the two week shipping time. It is a whole new problem to have it on hand, now I need the strength to commit to using it. I have so many other problems, I thought this would be a way of ending them all yet instead it is another scary thing to worry about. I'm glad you are more accepting of this as a solution, I wish I could be more of this kind of mind set.

To be honest, it's after over a decade of desperately trying and horribly failing to get help that actually works and lasts. I've tried everything in the book. I've been somewhat lucky to have had decent insurance through my dad until I grew out of it, and I've had a decent job for the past year as well that has good enough insurance, so I've been pursuing the heck out of every single avenue I can. Just... nothing works, really. Most things exacerbate my symptoms or introduce horrific new ones, my attempt at receiving treatment at an in-patient long term facility was extremely traumatic (and they got shut down about two years ago, which really says something), I'm up to my eyeballs in medical debt from things I've "failed" so my insurance has refused to cover, my therapists have been awful, and I can't keep burdening my dad with this, he deserves a better life than dealing with this for the rest of it... I've come to the conclusion there is no help for me

 

[ihavetoleave]

Are you scared to ctb ? Or maybe more scared to fail no ?

Not scared of failing. Def scared to CTB, don't mean to derail this thread though. My most recent posted thread goes into this more, may be a better place to discuss. Thanks for the response regardless!

 

[lost_soul83]

tbh, that blows me away, I didn't expect it to ship so quickly(I'm in the US), and it looks like it's expected to be here by the 20th. I'm so soothed by that. I should get it right as I get paid again, and I can finally go enjoy the rest of my time here.
I'm so happy I found this forum. Thank you all so much! <3 I've struggled for so long with various issues, traumas, and general unsettling/displacing events. I've failed all my tries to ctb, and since the last try I've known that if once I'd tried everything I still was unable to continue, nothing was better, I would make sure I was on the bus the next time. And y'all are so helpful and knowledgeable, I've learned so much from reading for hours, so many of you I can relate to, and though I haven't directly spoken to many of you, I care so much for those in this community, and I am forever grateful that I found you here.
I want to take a couple of weeks and work on my music, and release it as my goodbye to this world.
I've taken so many different medications and tried everything I can, and with current developments in my personal life, my mental health issues and treatments putting a strain on my roommate to the point where she resents me for being too much to deal with(which is absolutely fair, no one should have to deal with my issues), and the garbage happening in DC, the years I've wasted and the debts I've put myself in, the medical issues that no one can seem to figure out, the pandemic... I've tried the hardest I can and every treatment avenue I could find. I can't keep this up anymore. I've wanted to ctb for 14 years, and I've pushed away everyone important in my life due to my issues repeatedly debilitating me to an awful point. And as I keep trying and failing, I fall further and further down, and I become a bitter, angry, venomous monster, and I have less control over it as I continue on. I've done so much to grow and heal, and even with that effort, my brain is still broken. I'm tired. I want to rest, and I think I've done enough to warrant this. Many in my life will likely be at least a bit relieved that I am no longer burdening them. They might feel a bit guilty about it, but it's absolutely understandable. I don't want to deal with me - I can't imagine that someone else would want the additional weight on their shoulders.
Seeing "shipped" on the SN really just... soothed me. I'm so exhausted and ready to take my trip. My music was the only part of me that the people I love truly enjoyed about me, so I want to leave them something as a gift. Maybe then, my life wasn't an absolute waste, and there was something significant I left behind. Even if it was small.
I don't have anyone left anymore, so if there is anyone who wants to talk, I'd love to make at least a couple friends before I embark on my next adventure. <3

I would love to chat with you. Feel free to PM me.

Definitely. I'm hoping I can somehow document my experience through all of this! Not sure how to do it without involving someone else though.

It was either in the PPeH or on Exit's site that they had an email address for people wanting to live stream their ctb. I'll let you know.

 

[perdredenord]

I would love to chat with you. Feel free to PM me.

It was either in the PPeH or on Exit's site that they had an email address for people wanting to live stream their ctb. I'll let you know.

I appreciate that, thank you. :) however, I don't think I'd be comfortable being watched by many people...

 

[lost_soul83]

I appreciate that, thank you. :) however, I don't think I'd be comfortable being watched by many people...

I totally understand, just thought I'd throw that out there for you.

 

[Nitup]

I totally understand, just thought I'd throw that out there for you.

Yes I would like to know too since I'm afraid to ctb alone..

 

[perdredenord]

I totally understand, just thought I'd throw that out there for you.

I really appreciate that! My greatest wish is to have someone to at least wish me goodbye and give me one last hug before I board, but I don't think that will happen. C'est la vie.

 

[lost_soul83]

I really appreciate that! My greatest wish is to have someone to at least wish me goodbye and give me one last hug before I board, but I don't think that will happen. C'est la vie.

I would help you with that if I could.

 

[xxnohopexx]

I ordered SN on Xmas day and it arrived much sooner than I expected, three days later instead of the two week shipping time. It is a whole new problem to have it on hand, now I need the strength to commit to using it. I have so many other problems, I thought this would be a way of ending them all yet instead it is another scary thing to worry about. I'm glad you are more accepting of this as a solution, I wish I could be more of this kind of mind set.

Where did you get it ??? I can't find it anywhere. I'm in Canada.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Where did you get it ??? I can't find it anywhere. I'm in Canada.

I searched Amazon for Sodium Nitrite. It was the second or so result in my search, the top item was for a liquid version which I didn't want due to needing to refrigerate which was not an option where I am living (without answering questions).

It was easy to locate and cheap here in the US. Not sure how it is in Canada. However now I have it and should use it I am terrified to do so.

 

[xxnohopexx]

I searched Amazon for Sodium Nitrite. It was the second or so result in my search, the top item was for a liquid version which I didn't want due to needing to refrigerate which was not an option where I am living (without answering questions).

It was easy to locate and cheap here in the US. Not sure how it is in Canada. However now I have it and should use it I am terrified to do so.

Ya that's US.... can't get here in Canada. It's so damn frustrating. There is literally no methods that work ugh... I'm limited mobility and tried partial hanging about 100 times could never find the sweet spot.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Ya that's US.... can't get here in Canada. It's so damn frustrating. There is literally no methods that work ugh... I'm limited mobility and tried partial hanging about 100 times could never find the sweet spot.

Partial is some kind of hoop dream seems like. I've tried many times myself and cannot achieve it. I don't know if the guides on this site or others are realistic, perhaps some people have carotid arteries that are easier to close off and trigger a blackout or something. I understand your frustration, so many times I have been ready to let go and bawling with a noose around my neck only to fail again and again and have to face the same reality I am running from afterwards.

SN should be a sure thing but there is something terrifying about taking a poison and waiting ten or twenty minutes and taking your last breaths and knowing it. I think with partial at least there was the hope that I would black out quickly and not have to think about my own death as it happened. A way to quickly stop it from happening if there was any doubt or if it got too painful or scary. I've looked at pics of people hanging and for the most part they seem to achieve CTB with full vs partial. For partial pics they seem to have at minimum stepped off of some kind of chair or something to really pull the noose tight and cut things off. I'll stop rambling, I'm sorry you are unable to get this "salt" in Canada and I hope you are able to do what you want to do.

 

[xxnohopexx]

Partial is some kind of hoop dream seems like. I've tried many times myself and cannot achieve it. I don't know if the guides on this site or others are realistic, perhaps some people have carotid arteries that are easier to close off and trigger a blackout or something. I understand your frustration, so many times I have been ready to let go and bawling with a noose around my neck only to fail again and again and have to face the same reality I am running from afterwards.

SN should be a sure thing but there is something terrifying about taking a poison and waiting ten or twenty minutes and taking your last breaths and knowing it. I think with partial at least there was the hope that I would black out quickly and not have to think about my own death as it happened. A way to quickly stop it from happening if there was any doubt or if it got too painful or scary. I've looked at pics of people hanging and for the most part they seem to achieve CTB with full vs partial. For partial pics they seem to have at minimum stepped off of some kind of chair or something to really pull the noose tight and cut things off. I'll stop rambling, I'm sorry you are unable to get this "salt" in Canada and I hope you are able to do what you want to do.

There's gotta be other ways to CBT.... like I'm surprised there's nothing really posted

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

tbh, that blows me away, I didn't expect it to ship so quickly(I'm in the US), and it looks like it's expected to be here by the 20th. I'm so soothed by that. I should get it right as I get paid again, and I can finally go enjoy the rest of my time here.
I'm so happy I found this forum. Thank you all so much! <3 I've struggled for so long with various issues, traumas, and general unsettling/displacing events. I've failed all my tries to ctb, and since the last try I've known that if once I'd tried everything I still was unable to continue, nothing was better, I would make sure I was on the bus the next time. And y'all are so helpful and knowledgeable, I've learned so much from reading for hours, so many of you I can relate to, and though I haven't directly spoken to many of you, I care so much for those in this community, and I am forever grateful that I found you here.
I want to take a couple of weeks and work on my music, and release it as my goodbye to this world.
I've taken so many different medications and tried everything I can, and with current developments in my personal life, my mental health issues and treatments putting a strain on my roommate to the point where she resents me for being too much to deal with(which is absolutely fair, no one should have to deal with my issues), and the garbage happening in DC, the years I've wasted and the debts I've put myself in, the medical issues that no one can seem to figure out, the pandemic... I've tried the hardest I can and every treatment avenue I could find. I can't keep this up anymore. I've wanted to ctb for 14 years, and I've pushed away everyone important in my life due to my issues repeatedly debilitating me to an awful point. And as I keep trying and failing, I fall further and further down, and I become a bitter, angry, venomous monster, and I have less control over it as I continue on. I've done so much to grow and heal, and even with that effort, my brain is still broken. I'm tired. I want to rest, and I think I've done enough to warrant this. Many in my life will likely be at least a bit relieved that I am no longer burdening them. They might feel a bit guilty about it, but it's absolutely understandable. I don't want to deal with me - I can't imagine that someone else would want the additional weight on their shoulders.
Seeing "shipped" on the SN really just... soothed me. I'm so exhausted and ready to take my trip. My music was the only part of me that the people I love truly enjoyed about me, so I want to leave them something as a gift. Maybe then, my life wasn't an absolute waste, and there was something significant I left behind. Even if it was small.
I don't have anyone left anymore, so if there is anyone who wants to talk, I'd love to make at least a couple friends before I embark on my next adventure. <3

that is the FASTEST i've ever heard. good luck with your purchase!

 

[perdredenord]

that is the FASTEST i've ever heard. good luck with your purchase!

Supposedly it's supposed to be here by Monday... if it does, a total of 5 days since I purchased it.
I can't help but feel like this is a sign. This is the only thing that has worked for me, even on a small level, in so long

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

Supposedly it's supposed to be here by Monday... if it does, a total of 5 days since I purchased it.
I can't help but feel like this is a sign. This is the only thing that has worked for me, even on a small level, in so long

im here if you want talk more about it. going to bed now but feel free to pm me!