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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
I already got my meto (was unable to get benzos) and just ordered my SN. I've been looking forward to this for so long, excited even. But now the reality is setting in that this is the end. I know this is what I want, I've literally dreamed of it. Idk if I should call this SI or what but knowing everything is coming together to an end is finally hitting me and I feel scared but I see no other option I've done all the recovery and talking to doctors and meds out the ass but nothing helps I hate being here. Why am I so scared I hate this I want to just have a moment of courage to down a simple glass of ew water and get it over with. Might be some pain and vomiting and whatnot but it'll be over finally right so why am I so scared, I have nothing to live for...
It's like standing at the edge of a cliff knowing I could jump but instead waiting on someone to push me. I'm only prolonging the fear and it will probably never happen if I don't take action but I'm a giant crybaby who is terrified of not being in control of my own body and terrified of pain
 
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morbyxz

morbyxz

Member
Sep 9, 2023
21
I really relate to that. When my SN came I felt rather nervous than calm like before. Like this is it. I actually have a way out instead of wishing I had one. I still find it scary but I know its only my SI and Im still pretty sure I do want to end it
 
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hevlalab

hevlalab

Take me back in time
Sep 14, 2023
125
I really relate to that. When my SN came I felt rather nervous than calm like before. Like this is it. I actually have a way out instead of wishing I had one. I still find it scary but I know its only my SI and Im still pretty sure I do want to end it
Hi, I'm new so i can't pm yet. Would you mind messaging me where you ordered SN from? Would highly appreciate it :)
 
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G

GeriatricGoblin

Member
Sep 14, 2023
25
Hey there, sorry I hope I'm not annoying, but I'm looking for a source as well like @hevlalab, if you could shoot me a quick message I would be really thankful.
 
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Jealous Blackheart

Jealous Blackheart

A Well Read Demon
Aug 25, 2023
133
Reading this made me want to just copy my 1000 word post, Doubting, because I think you'd "get" it. I still don't really know how to say it in a sentence but I wish I could.
 
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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
Reading this made me want to just copy my 1000 word post, Doubting, because I think you'd "get" it. I still don't really know how to say it in a sentence but I wish I could.
I'm so glad you referenced that post. I went and read it and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen here. Much last your last paragraph I also know I'll inevitably take my own life so I don't know how much of that post applies to me but I definitely feel a least a little better knowing that my life (or rather my death) is in my own hands at any time I want it. That modicum of control might just be what a lot of people here are looking for but unfortunately that's not me, I don't want control I want my thoughts and my past to stop hurting me. I want my disorders to no longer be in control of my life but rather I take the life away from them.
 
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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
Hey there, sorry I hope I'm not annoying, but I'm looking for a source as well like @hevlalab, if you could shoot me a quick message I would be really thankful.
I will not be giving out my source

1 until I receive the SN myself and test it's really SN and the purity

And

2 to anyone I don't know and trust from here. I won't risk this safe haven for people like us like that
 
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jussrav

jussrav

Experienced
Sep 9, 2023
238
I already got my meto (was unable to get benzos) and just ordered my SN. I've been looking forward to this for so long, excited even. But now the reality is setting in that this is the end. I know this is what I want, I've literally dreamed of it. Idk if I should call this SI or what but knowing everything is coming together to an end is finally hitting me and I feel scared but I see no other option I've done all the recovery and talking to doctors and meds out the ass but nothing helps I hate being here. Why am I so scared I hate this I want to just have a moment of courage to down a simple glass of ew water and get it over with. Might be some pain and vomiting and whatnot but it'll be over finally right so why am I so scared, I have nothing to live for...
It's like standing at the edge of a cliff knowing I could jump but instead waiting on someone to push me. I'm only prolonging the fear and it will probably never happen if I don't take action but I'm a giant crybaby who is terrified of not being in control of my own body and terrified of pain
I feel the same as you. I need to get the sn and I will order it as soon as I can. I am also totally ruined aswell and there is no hope for me at all. I am riddled with bad mental health and even living for a minute is killing me. I seriously wish I was there with you so I could join you because life is so painful for me.
 
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アホペンギン

アホペンギン

Jul 10, 2023
2,202
Hey there, sorry I hope I'm not annoying, but I'm looking for a source as well like @hevlalab, if you could shoot me a quick message I would be really thankful.
Hi, I'm new so i can't pm yet. Would you mind messaging me where you ordered SN from? Would highly appreciate it :)
You have too few posts to be trusted. We don't know if you're legit or not. Create more posts and gain an image in the community (a good one) and then we will consider offering sources.

(not just the amount of posts needed to be able to pm people but actually enough posts to be trusted, I cannot tell you how many that is because even those with enough posts can't be fully trusted. I hope you understand)
 
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jussrav

jussrav

Experienced
Sep 9, 2023
238
I'm so glad you referenced that post. I went and read it and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen here. Much last your last paragraph I also know I'll inevitably take my own life so I don't know how much of that post applies to me but I definitely feel a least a little better knowing that my life (or rather my death) is in my own hands at any time I want it. That modicum of control might just be what a lot of people here are looking for but unfortunately that's not me, I don't want control I want my thoughts and my past to stop hurting me. I want my disorders to no longer be in control of my life but rather I take the life away from them.
Omg I could have written this myself. My thoughts and my past are haunting me to the point I am literally crying every second but I know I can't do anything about my past and I have to live but that is difficult to do.its wrecked my life. Its like someone suddenly becoming trapped in a hell they did not ask for.i am trying to control it but its so hard so its either live with everything or leave.
 
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G

GeriatricGoblin

Member
Sep 14, 2023
25
You have too few posts to be trusted. We don't know if you're legit or not. Create more posts and gain an image in the community (a good one) and then we will consider offering sources.

(not just the amount of posts needed to be able to pm people but actually enough posts to be trusted, I cannot tell you how many that is because even those with enough posts can't be fully trusted. I hope you understand)
Is there anything I can do to prove that I'm legit faster than that? I would really like the SN in the next 1.5 weeks cause I will be homeless and I want to go out on my own terms and with some dignity. I hope I'm not annoying but this is really frustrating and makes me feel helpless and angry. But I guess I understand you wanna protect the sources and I hope you understand my situation as well.
 
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アホペンギン

アホペンギン

Jul 10, 2023
2,202
Is there anything I can do to prove that I'm legit faster than that? I would really like the SN in the next 1.5 weeks cause I will be homeless and I want to go out on my own terms and with some dignity. I hope I'm not annoying but this is really frustrating and makes me feel helpless and angry. But I guess I understand you wanna protect the sources and I hope you understand my situation as well.
I'll try to see what I can do, I want to protect sources and I'm sorry this makes you feel helpless. I wish it was easier to trust people, especially for me. I also really value keeping sources safe, its impossible to know who intends to ctb or who wants to shut sources down. After all, we are just an ip address like the user @conarc said.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
35,225
It must be really dreadful having those fears, it's true that suicide isn't always straightforward to go through with even if one has the option of a method by their side. But anyway I wish you the best.
 
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G

GeriatricGoblin

Member
Sep 14, 2023
25
I'll try to see what I can do, I want to protect sources and I'm sorry this makes you feel helpless. I wish it was easier to trust people, especially for me. I also really value keeping sources safe, its impossible to know who intends to ctb or who wants to shut sources down. After all, we are just an ip address like the user @conarc said.
Okay I understand, thank you
 
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Mauve87

Mauve87

Member
Aug 30, 2023
36
@draekmir Do you have a plan? My method isn't SN, but I understand your pain

And don't feel ashamed. It's a natural to feel this way.
I've been anxious all week. From my experience it comes in waves
 
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Jealous Blackheart

Jealous Blackheart

A Well Read Demon
Aug 25, 2023
133
I'm so glad you referenced that post. I went and read it and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen here. Much last your last paragraph I also know I'll inevitably take my own life so I don't know how much of that post applies to me but I definitely feel a least a little better knowing that my life (or rather my death) is in my own hands at any time I want it. That modicum of control might just be what a lot of people here are looking for but unfortunately that's not me, I don't want control I want my thoughts and my past to stop hurting me. I want my disorders to no longer be in control of my life but rather I take the life away from them.
I really felt bad at first bringing it up because I didn't want to hijack this thread but I did feel like you'd understand. Thank you.
And yes, I completely understand. We're all on this site for a reason. There's zero chance I make it to 30. I refuse. That's still years away and I don't even want to see December. That would be a tragedy to me. I would leave today if I had the method but I don't. I'm still trying to find a way to acquire. Hopefully next week I'll be able to place an order for sn. That's what I look forward to every day. So I understand.
 
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Agon321

Agon321

I use google translate
Aug 21, 2023
1,167
Completely normal reaction. Our brain is the biggest opponent of suicide. I am trying to convince my mind that CTB is the best possible decision and I will not regret it. Though I'm sure I'll be stressed out during my ordeal, and you most likely will be too. The most important thing is not to panic and not get carried away by emotions. Best regards and I hope you succeed.
 
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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
@draekmir Do you have a plan? My method isn't SN, but I understand your pain

And don't feel ashamed. It's a natural to feel this way.
I've been anxious all week. From my experience it comes in waves
I do have a plan and a rough date in mind but like I said in a previous response I want to test my SN first to make sure it's legit and a good purity. According to my tracking it's leaving China tomorrow so should be here in about a week or less if it isn't seized but it shouldn't be because it's not labeled as SN but something far more common and safe and legal to import
Completely normal reaction. Our brain is the biggest opponent of suicide. I am trying to convince my mind that CTB is the best possible decision and I will not regret it. Though I'm sure I'll be stressed out during my ordeal, and you most likely will be too. The most important thing is not to panic and not get carried away by emotions. Best regards and I hope you succeed.
Thank you for the kind words I also hope you and everyone else who needs it succeeds in their plans too wether it's living or not
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
8,373
I already got my meto (was unable to get benzos) and just ordered my SN. I've been looking forward to this for so long, excited even. But now the reality is setting in that this is the end. I know this is what I want, I've literally dreamed of it. Idk if I should call this SI or what but knowing everything is coming together to an end is finally hitting me and I feel scared but I see no other option I've done all the recovery and talking to doctors and meds out the ass but nothing helps I hate being here. Why am I so scared I hate this I want to just have a moment of courage to down a simple glass of ew water and get it over with. Might be some pain and vomiting and whatnot but it'll be over finally right so why am I so scared, I have nothing to live for...
It's like standing at the edge of a cliff knowing I could jump but instead waiting on someone to push me. I'm only prolonging the fear and it will probably never happen if I don't take action but I'm a giant crybaby who is terrified of not being in control of my own body and terrified of pain
If you do receive your SN, you don't have to go through with it right away. You can take your time and decide when it's right for you.
I know the feeling you have, I am not able to go through with it yet. I also have nothing to live for.
Best of luck to you.🤗🤗🤗
 
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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
Update my SN officially made it through customs in China so now only one more hurdle (US Customs) and I'll have it.
I'm not so scared or nervous anymore maybe it was just reality setting in when I purchased it but I'm more so excited now. A little scared yes but it'll be worth it.
Also unrelated note an irl actually brought up suicide to me today and we got to talking about it casually not saying I'd ctb but like different methods and information we knew and I started saying all the information I knew about SN (mostly the medical aspect of things like how it reacts in your body) and they asked to make a pact with me. Tempting but they mean maybe in a few years, they don't know I don't intend to be gone before October
 
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C

conarc

Experienced
Aug 8, 2023
244
Folks, neither many posts nor so called "good images" will confirm that someone is genuine and not a prolifer or authority. We are ALL anonymous here. I strongly suggest to not share sources. Not even via PM.
 
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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
I will not be giving out my source

1 until I receive the SN myself and test it's really SN and the purity

And

2 to anyone I don't know and trust from here. I won't risk this safe haven for people like us like that
@Huggs I suggest reading this
 
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Huggs

Huggs

Wish for peace
Jul 6, 2023
209
@Huggs I suggest reading this
I saw another message from you in a separate thread, not this one. Sorry, and it's very understandable.
 
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my_sundown

my_sundown

My Sundown.
Jan 17, 2023
67
I agree, it must become very real when you actually get the SN. I would need a day or two to unwind and accept before anything. Wishing you the best friend.
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
I admit it was hard to walk back home after picking up my SN at the post office because my legs wouldn't stop shaking haha
I'm not a paranoid person but I felt like everyone around knew I was hiding a "bad decision" in my backpack, but now the only thing I feel is relief and excitement.
 
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アホペンギン

アホペンギン

Jul 10, 2023
2,202
Folks, neither many posts nor so called "good images" will confirm that someone is genuine and not a prolifer or authority. We are ALL anonymous here. I strongly suggest to not share sources. Not even via PM.
Thats true, its very hard to know if whether someone is legit, that is actually why I stopped giving people sources now unless I'm absolutely sure that they're someone I can trust and such a person is very hard to come by. I don't even believe having enough posts is a reason to be able to have sources yet people think this way and that is how many sources disappear.
 
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jussrav

jussrav

Experienced
Sep 9, 2023
238
I already got my meto (was unable to get benzos) and just ordered my SN. I've been looking forward to this for so long, excited even. But now the reality is setting in that this is the end. I know this is what I want, I've literally dreamed of it. Idk if I should call this SI or what but knowing everything is coming together to an end is finally hitting me and I feel scared but I see no other option I've done all the recovery and talking to doctors and meds out the ass but nothing helps I hate being here. Why am I so scared I hate this I want to just have a moment of courage to down a simple glass of ew water and get it over with. Might be some pain and vomiting and whatnot but it'll be over finally right so why am I so scared, I have nothing to live for...
It's like standing at the edge of a cliff knowing I could jump but instead waiting on someone to push me. I'm only prolonging the fear and it will probably never happen if I don't take action but I'm a giant crybaby who is terrified of not being in control of my own body and terrified of pain
Yes its sad when life suddenly goes against
I already got my meto (was unable to get benzos) and just ordered my SN. I've been looking forward to this for so long, excited even. But now the reality is setting in that this is the end. I know this is what I want, I've literally dreamed of it. Idk if I should call this SI or what but knowing everything is coming together to an end is finally hitting me and I feel scared but I see no other option I've done all the recovery and talking to doctors and meds out the ass but nothing helps I hate being here. Why am I so scared I hate this I want to just have a moment of courage to down a simple glass of ew water and get it over with. Might be some pain and vomiting and whatnot but it'll be over finally right so why am I so scared, I have nothing to live for...
It's like standing at the edge of a cliff knowing I could jump but instead waiting on someone to push me. I'm only prolonging the fear and it will probably never happen if I don't take action but I'm a giant crybaby who is terrified of not being in control of my own body and terrified of pain
Its sad how life changes. 5 years ago I had everything the best job, best relationships, loved life. Now can't sleep, havent slept for weeks, function, feel sick, no job, headaches, tumour, doctors stopped my antidepressants, long covid twice its funny what covid can do. Never imagined this ever. I am getting sn from a Chinese person. I dont know your story but I hope you get relief xx
 
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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
Yes its sad when life suddenly goes against

Its sad how life changes. 5 years ago I had everything the best job, best relationships, loved life. Now can't sleep, havent slept for weeks, function, feel sick, no job, headaches, tumour, doctors stopped my antidepressants, long covid twice its funny what covid can do. Never imagined this ever. I am getting sn from a Chinese person. I dont know your story but I hope you get relief xx
Glad to see you found a source, wishing you the best friend
 
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draekmir

draekmir

I rate life 0 stars
Sep 9, 2023
82
Update it made it through customs, it arrives today. I also am picking up my meto from the pharmacy today I'm so fucking excited!
 
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C

conarc

Experienced
Aug 8, 2023
244
Thats true, its very hard to know if whether someone is legit, that is actually why I stopped giving people sources now unless I'm absolutely sure that they're someone I can trust and such a person is very hard to come by. I don't even believe having enough posts is a reason to be able to have sources yet people think this way and that is how many sources disappear.
You cant trust anyone here.
 
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