opening up

[Sunderland]

my mind's still a mess and all over the place, last week i ended up relapsing after ordering SN. haven't cut in years and i don't know what got into me, but it was comforting in a sense. i decided to make the scary first step and talk with someone about it. spent the last few days avoiding this site and frankly i don't feel much different, even after telling him that i was planning for ctb and my relapse. we went out for a few beers and he listened, it was nice and i appreciate him being there, but i don't feel any different. i did come to the decision with certainty that a firearm isn't the way i'd like to do it, i ended up giving him my revolver and my knife and my shotgun is with my parents. tried my best to be a bit more open with him, my past struggles with mental health and suicidal ideation, but it doesn't feel like there's any weight that's been lifted. it's still something i'm planning on going through with, but i assured him it wouldn't be anytime soon and there's a good chance we wouldn't be in contact by the time i went through with it.

not sure what to think, the last few weeks have been a total haze. guess that's the cross we bear, is it not?