Only reservation is the potential for me to have a child. Selfish?

[bpdblackout]

I'm about to graduate college, I have potential in my field, and everything is pretty good for me despite having some medical issues.

My life hasn't really even begun. I haven't even had my first job yet. I know there are things I will miss if I CTB

The source of all my despair is being estranged from my family. They disowned me after years of being a drug addict and giving into physical altercations with my mother as a teenager. The last time I spoke to anybody, but my mother, I was 18. My mother died in the same year.

I decided I was going to get clean, if not for myself then for my mother. I did get clean. Went to college. (Maybe) graduating soon, with honors. Apartment. Car paid. Dog. Pocket money. Family still won't speak to me. Even though I'm "better" now

I'm just fucking lonely. Loneliness has turned me into a bitter and angry individual, one I do not recognize. I go weeks without talking to anyone (online college)

All I want is a child. One to love unconditionally. Like my single mother did with me. A husband would be nice but not required in my fantasies.

If I could guarantee a child and maybe a husband and marriage for myself, I would never try to CTB.

my biggest fear and my motivation to CTB is the fear of growing old alone. I can't be lonely. I'd rather CTB now then die at 60 with no children and no husband.

No one wants kids with me because I have a genetic condition. Not totally crippling but can make life difficult. 50% -50% coin flip no one wants to take so far.

Am I selfish?

 

[SamTam33]

I always wonder if lonely people want a child to love OR do they just want someone to love them.

I had a coworker tell me that she liked coming home and having her son run to meet her; she liked being the center of his universe; she liked that he needed her.

So now whenever people talk about wanting kids, that's the first thing I think of: that sickliness inside of us that makes us use other people - even kids - to satisfy our own needs.

You don't know me OP so my opinions shouldn't matter, but to have genetic deficiencies, to have the addict gene, to consider a father as optional - I'd use a lot harsher word than 'selfish.'

There's something deliberately diabolical about it to me.

Edit: once you get things sorted out, you can always consider adoption. There are hundreds of thousands of children already in existence with no one to love them.

 

[Disaster]

I don't want to be harsh or push anyone over edge, but ethically it's unacceptable to me. I am generally in favor of human extinction, but I do support decisions to have kids, if those decisions bear the kids welfare in mind.
This thing… I hope it's trolling. Kids are another human beings who may get as miserable as the OP someday. Sorry but you don't get kids as emotional support pets. I hope you will find support from someone who can consent to being a support.

 

[FuneralCry]

Bringing life into this world is something that is so shameful and harmful, especially if one has a genetic condition. It would be extreme cruelty to burden an existing being with a life filled with suffering all for selfish reasons. People shouldn't procreate, as there is no need to create unnecessary torment in this world where chance cruelly determines everything. Existence is something that is filled with risks with unlimited potential to be tortured, under no circumstances could I believe that it's acceptable to bring life here. I personally don't believe that loneliness could ever be a valid excuse to create so much harm and it's the most compassionate thing to think about what is best for the life that you wish to bring here.

 

[fell]

Hi fellow BPD-er who grew up tough and is largely estranged from my family. I really feel your pain, and really struggled when I was graduating college and realizing I had to face a new world that I felt unprepared for. I'm not sure if you've tried this - but DBT tools helped me immensely. If a therapy/group for DBT isn't accessible, there's online workbooks and videos on YouTube and elsewhere that explore the concepts like "lessons" and really helped to bring me out of a dark place. It's not a solution to everything, but may be a tool worth trying to support you through this tough spot

 

[bpdblackout]

I always wonder if lonely people want a child to love OR do they just want someone to love them.

I had a coworker tell me that she liked coming home and having her son run to meet her; she liked being the center of his universe; she liked that he needed her.

So now whenever people talk about wanting kids, that's the first thing I think of: that sickliness inside of us that makes us use other people - even kids - to satisfy our own needs.

You don't know me OP so my opinions shouldn't matter, but to have genetic deficiencies, to have the addict gene, to consider a father as optional - I'd use a lot harsher word than 'selfish.'

There's something deliberately diabolical about it to me.

I accept the fact I want a child so that it will love me.

I accept the fact the odds for a good life would not be in the child's favor considering genetic predispositions for illness and addiction.

I accept that it is selfish, because deep down I know it really is.

That's not enough to stop me from wanting it. Or literally millions upon millions of other people throughout history that were equally or less equipped than myself. At least I am positive I would never CTB *after* the child was born. Also. I have no problem adopting and have considered it completely. Leaning towards it actually. (If I stick around- still uncertain)

Bringing life into this world is something that is so shameful and harmful, especially if one has a genetic condition. It would be extreme cruelty to burden an existing being with a life filled with suffering all for selfish reasons. People shouldn't procreate, as there is no need to create unnecessary torment in this world where chance cruelly determines everything. Existence is something that is filled with risks with unlimited potential to be tortured, under no circumstances could I believe that it's acceptable to bring life here. I personally don't believe that loneliness could ever be a valid excuse to create so much harm and it's the most compassionate thing to think about what is best for the life that you wish to bring here.

I agree about the genetic condition part.

Besides that. If you truely feel this way, like life shouldn't be brought into this world, can I ask you this?

Like if the universe is so cruel, and I was made from the universe, therefore I am nothing but cruel, why do I have a moral obligation to be/do/act any differently than the essence of my existence? If the universe is cruel and evil there is no moral obligation to do anything? Like avoiding reproduction?

Really trying to understand this frame of mind. I think life and the universe is Chaos. No point. No meaning. Not good or bad. Both and neither at the same time.

I struggle to entertain your viewpoint but I will try in an attempt to reach some type of enlightenment.

Just trying to understand

 

[squidhead]

Dont you dare. Thats exactly how you continue the cycle and another soul will have to experience this miserable, agonizing existence, full of suffering.

Or being too arrogant to think, despite your trauma/s, emotional baggage, youll be better than your parents. Youll do better than them. Its a huge gamble, more often than not it goes wrong.

Theres enough selfish, miserable, lonely "parents" making kids just because.
Im sorry this is the hand youve been dealt, but please please please dont join them. I beg you.

 

[StringPuppet]

If I could guarantee a child and maybe a husband and marriage for myself, I would never try to CTB.

Here's where I have a problem with your plan. If you're suicidal now there's no telling that you still won't be when you have kids. I don't mean to sound harsh or invalidate your reasons for wanting to CTB when I say this, but I really think you should try to find reasons to live before you build a family of your own. My life's in shambles so I don't have any good advice about recovering lol, but I'm sure people in the Recovery section can help you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree about the genetic condition part.

Besides that. If you truely feel this way, like life shouldn't be brought into this world, can I ask you this?

Like if the universe is so cruel, and I was made from the universe, therefore I am nothing but cruel, why do I have a moral obligation to be/do/act any differently than the essence of my existence? If the universe is cruel and evil there is no moral obligation to do anything? Like avoiding reproduction?

Really trying to understand this frame of mind. I think life and the universe is Chaos. No point. No meaning. Not good or bad. Both and neither at the same time.

I struggle to entertain your viewpoint but I will try in an attempt to reach some type of enlightenment.

Just trying to understand

I believe that the very nature of existence is evil, but human beings are separate from life itself, they have awareness unlike animals to recognise that bringing life here is harmful. I simply do believe that bringing life here is an unnecessary tragedy as there is no need for such a thing and my view is that I don't believe that the human species should be continued.

There is nothing to understand with my viewpoint, if one is aware of the reality of this existence then they will understand why procreation is shameful. I just believe that torture is a negative thing that shouldn't be inflicted onto others through forcing them into this world, that is all. And procreation is the source of all problems, I'm anti suffering and suffering is inevitable in life.

 

[randy]

we're programmed to want children.

we're programmed to want people to love us.

I don't think it is selfish to want those things. I don't think we should judge ourselves for that.

You never know - your child might grow up happy and healthy. You have a self-awareness of where problem areas might arise which is more than 99% of people on this planet.

 

[LastFlowers]

Short answer: Yes.

And several of the details you gave only serve to make it worse.

You're not the first and you won't be the last where this thought process and endeavor is concerned, but I would caution you against it.

we're programmed to want children.

we're programmed to want people to love us.

I don't think it is selfish to want those things. I don't think we should judge ourselves for that.

You never know - your child might grow up happy and healthy. You have a self-awareness of where problem areas might arise which is more than 99% of people on this planet.

Programmed?
Why do so many people choose not to have children then?

That's just an excuse to distract from what is an inherently selfish desire and dangerous gamble on a potential existence that the parent will not end up having to endure firsthand.

Sometimes judging ourselves and our intentions is the right thing to do, especially before committing to an irreversible action that will affect another party even more so than ourselves.

Edit: once you get things sorted out, you can always consider adoption. There are hundreds of thousands of children already in existence with no one to love them.

That'd be the only decent way to go imo.
But even then, a person needs to take a long, hard look at themselves to determine whether or not they can be in it for the long run with the adopted child.

 

[bpdblackout]

Programmed?
Why do so many people choose not to have children then?

That's just an excuse to distract from what is an inherently selfish desire and dangerous gamble on a potential existence that the parent will not end up having to endure firsthand.

Sometimes judging ourselves and our intentions is the right thing to do, especially before committing to an irreversible action that will affect another party even more so than ourselves.

I also think it is inherently selfish and a dangerous gamble as well (deep down)

But I do feel like I am programmed to some extent for it.

Logically, I know that I've never even held a baby before, let alone understand how to take care of one

But emotionally, my head jerks anytime I hear a baby cry in public. "Where is the baby!? Why is it crying?! Protect baby" is all I can think.

 

[LastFlowers]

but I do support decisions to have kids, if those decisions bear the kids welfare in mind

I don't think the decision ever can have the kids' welfare in mind because the risk being taken is already in opposition to that.

 

[valkyrie]

Ngl I want children, but I know it's a selfish desire to leave a trace of me on this world
I'm an only child, so if I die without it, my legacy ends with me
But that might be a good thing, I'm screwed up and I know it runs in my genes because I got that from my mother
I think I could be a good mother, but idk
I think it's a unfair risk to the kids that I would be stable enough

 

[bpdblackout]

Ngl I want children, but I know it's a selfish desire to leave a trace of me on this world
I'm an only child, so if I die without it, my legacy ends with me
But that might be a good thing, I'm screwed up and I know it runs in my genes because I got that from my mother
I think I could be a good mother, but idk
I think it's a unfair risk to the kids that I would be stable enough

I am in the same situation. Last of my bloodline. Only child. Does it end with me? It definitely should.

Do I ever make good decisions? Not really lol

 

[LastFlowers]

I accept the fact I want a child so that it will love me.

I accept the fact the odds for a good life would not be in the child's favor considering genetic predispositions for illness and addiction.

I accept that it is selfish, because deep down I know it really is.

That's not enough to stop me from wanting it. Or literally millions upon millions of other people throughout history that were equally or less equipped than myself. At least I am positive I would never CTB *after* the child was born. Also. I have no problem adopting and have considered it completely. Leaning towards it actually. (If I stick around- still uncertain)

So you accept that you're wrong.
It's not enough to stop you from wanting something..but is it enough to stop you from trying to actively obtain it?

Other people making poor decisions throughout history does not automatically justify more people making those same decisions in the future.

Also if the only thing keeping you around is a potential child..that's a mighty dangerous tightrope to walk.
And I highly doubt that you can predict with certainty that something wouldn't come up in the future, with yourself or the child, that would alter your claim to "never ctb" after the child was born.

This is a very myopic perspective and it lacks any attempts at objective rationale.

I agree about the genetic condition part.

Besides that. If you truely feel this way, like life shouldn't be brought into this world, can I ask you this?

Like if the universe is so cruel, and I was made from the universe, therefore I am nothing but cruel, why do I have a moral obligation to be/do/act any differently than the essence of my existence? If the universe is cruel and evil there is no moral obligation to do anything? Like avoiding reproduction?

Really trying to understand this frame of mind. I think life and the universe is Chaos. No point. No meaning. Not good or bad. Both and neither at the same time.

I struggle to entertain your viewpoint but I will try in an attempt to reach some type of enlightenment.

Just trying to understand

That doesn't make any sense.
Just because the universe has an abundance of cruelty for which we cannot justify continuation, doesn't mean that there aren't also efforts being made to push back against and deny that cruelty its avenues.
Reducing suffering is the first step to eliminating suffering.

Those of us who make the cognitive decision not to have children disproves your appeal to nature argument.
We do it because we care, not because we don't.

What even is your own viewpoint?
You sound all over the place, to be frank.
Your viewpoint is the world is chaos, so add to chaos?
The world is suffering, so add to the suffering?
Nothing matters in the end, so fuck it?

If you possess such a harmful version of Nihilism then all the more reason not to subject anyone else to that.

Acknowledging the ways of the world and the suffering that comes as a result of it is not the same thing as throwing one's hands up in the air and going along with it.

I am in the same situation. Last of my bloodline. Only child. Does it end with me? It definitely should.

Do I ever make good decisions? Not really lol

Well you're making sense here.

Unfortunately it doesn't look like my own self will have any say in the end of my own bloodline, I sure wish I was in your position where I knew things would/could end with me.
At least, in that respect.

 

[bpdblackout]

So you accept that you're wrong.
It's not enough to stop you from wanting something..but is it enough to stop you from trying to actively obtain it?

Other people making poor decisions throughout history does not automatically justify more people making those same decisions in the future.

Also if the only thing keeping you around is a potential child..that's a mighty dangerous tightrope to walk.
And I highly doubt that you can predict with certainty that something wouldn't come up in the future, with yourself or the child, that would alter your claim to "never ctb" after the child was born.

This is a very myopic perspective and it lacks any attempts at objective rationale.



That doesn't make any sense.
Just because the universe has an abundance of cruelty for which we cannot justify continuation, doesn't mean that there aren't also efforts being made to push back against and deny that cruelty its avenues.
Reducing suffering is the first step to eliminating suffering.

Those of us who make the cognitive decision not to have children disproves your appeal to nature argument.
We do it because we care, not because we don't.

What even is your own viewpoint?
You sound all over the place, to be frank.
Your viewpoint is the world is chaos, so add to chaos?
The world is suffering, so add to the suffering?
Nothing matters in the end, so fuck it?

If you possess such a harmful version of Nihilism then all the more reason not to subject anyone else to that.

Acknowledging the ways of the world and the suffering that comes as a result of it is not the same thing as throwing one's hands up in the air and going along with it.

This is unnecessarily hostile.
All of this is personal philosophy. Which is subjective by nature and definition. I did ask for opinions, but they can be expressed without this level of contempt.

I never claimed to be objective. Partly because it is impossible to draw objective conclusions from a value or statement that is inherently subjective (philosophy). That's just as bad of a logical fallacy as saying "Do not eat vanilla ice cream because chocolate is obviously the best flavor!, If you choose to believe vanilla is the best flavor, then don't subject other people to it by eating it in the ice cream shop." Doesn't make sense.

My philosophy on life is equally as chaotic as I perceive the universe to be.

Also yes, that is what I believe precisely.

We can all have viewpoints.

 

[SexyIncél]

I've tried to run models in my head looking for scenarios where it could go well. Uphill battle

Are you first willing to devote yourself to studying the art of raising a child? Will you apprentice yourself to families or single mothers and help them raise children, to learn the difficulties, and see if you're capable of the responsibility?

(Yes, I know that last one sounds unusual. But I don't suggest the normie path. And this is a lifelong path, so best prepare)

There's deficiencies you best overcome. No helpful family. Possibly raising the child alone. You likely come from a country with weak safety nets. You're starting a career. You know nothing about this task you fantasize about. You have difficult bodily/mental conditions. I don't know if you have debts. Your definition of love is unclear, and so is your long-term ability to love unconditionally. You don't yet seem to applied the ability to consider everything that might go wrong, with solid strategies to solve each

On the plus side, you're asking for help and advice. You show metacognition. You're honest about your current weaknesses. You're aware that adoption is the best way to go. (And would save you from the enormous stress of an infant)

You can private message me if you'd like, if you'd like to think things through with me. I've helped mothers

 

[Kattt]

I'm about to graduate college, I have potential in my field, and everything is pretty good for me despite having some medical issues.

My life hasn't really even begun. I haven't even had my first job yet. I know there are things I will miss if I CTB

The source of all my despair is being estranged from my family. They disowned me after years of being a drug addict and giving into physical altercations with my mother as a teenager. The last time I spoke to anybody, but my mother, I was 18. My mother died in the same year.

I decided I was going to get clean, if not for myself then for my mother. I did get clean. Went to college. (Maybe) graduating soon, with honors. Apartment. Car paid. Dog. Pocket money. Family still won't speak to me. Even though I'm "better" now

I'm just fucking lonely. Loneliness has turned me into a bitter and angry individual, one I do not recognize. I go weeks without talking to anyone (online college)

All I want is a child. One to love unconditionally. Like my single mother did with me. A husband would be nice but not required in my fantasies.

If I could guarantee a child and maybe a husband and marriage for myself, I would never try to CTB.

my biggest fear and my motivation to CTB is the fear of growing old alone. I can't be lonely. I'd rather CTB now then die at 60 with no children and no husband.

No one wants kids with me because I have a genetic condition. Not totally crippling but can make life difficult. 50% -50% coin flip no one wants to take so far.

Am I selfish?

I had two IVF kids. The feeling of all consuming and unconditional love you can only know holding your newborn, is a beautiful gift. But mumming is the hardest job in the world. 24/7 for the rest of your days.
They were both over 10lb at birth (perhaps due to gestational diabetes). My heart gave out delivering the second. But they made it and so did I.
I have a lifelong auto immune condition too. Neither of them seem to have any serious auto immune shit yet. You never know when that stuff will show its ugly face though. So far, so good.
If you got clean and can stay clean through the bullshit, you can achieve anything. Reach for the sky my friend.

 

[bpdblackout]

I've tried to run models in my head looking for scenarios where it could go well. Uphill battle

Are you first willing to devote yourself to studying the art of raising a child? Will you apprentice yourself to families or single mothers and help them raise children, to learn the difficulties, and see if you're capable of the responsibility?

(Yes, I know that last one sounds unusual. But I don't suggest the normie path. And this path is a lifelong path, so best prepare)

There's deficiencies you best overcome. No helpful family. Possibly raising the child alone. You likely come from a country with weak safety nets. You're starting a career. You know nothing about this task you fantasize about. You have difficult bodily/mental conditions. I don't know if you have debts. Your definition of love is unclear, and so is your long-term ability to love unconditionally. You don't yet seem to applied the ability to consider everything that might go wrong, with solid strategies to solve each

On the plus side, you're asking for help and advice. You show metacognition. You're honest about your current weaknesses. You're aware that adoption is the best way to go. (And would save you from the enormous stress of an infant)

You can private message me if you'd like, if you'd like to think things through with me. I've helped mothers

My profession is education. My life is already dedicated to understanding the population of kids that I would potentially teach one day. (Older age group).

I have the same amount of passion and motivation to learn about the qualities it takes to raise a small child. I haven't started yet because I'm still uncertain, and I do not make decisions until I am as certain as I can be.

The 3 biggest things that I see that would/could go wrong are:

1. Child develops addiction/ illness (even if I adopt- still a possibility)
2. Potential father abandons (irrational fear based on my own trauma- could still happen though for numerous reasons) and this fucks up the child. I was lucky. My dad abandoned before I was born. No connection. It's worse when they abandon after birth.
3. No family on my side, thus fucking up the child.

I have thoughts about how to mitigate these risks, but they are all over the place and nothing concrete enough to make an actual plan.

Which makes me feel not equipped.

Is anyone really ready or equipped for children? Some are more equipped than others, but it's just like teaching. Every student teacher thinks they know how to teach until the first day in the classroom.

 

[SexyIncél]

Well, those answers sound promising! Good luck, whatever you decide. (Because unfortunately so much depends on luck)

Is anyone really ready or equipped for children?

I would imagine so. But the pay usually sucks. And even it didn't, there's levels of competence. It'd be nice if there were parent apprenticeships

 

[TapeMachine]

My mom told me that she grew up feeling very lonely (and unloved) as well. She said she wanted to have children so there would finally exist people who would love her unconditionally.

So here I am. I'm the only girl of my 4 siblings, and I'm the second oldest at 38. Every single one of us has been victim to sexual assault, 3 out of the 4 of us has experienced lifelong substance abuse, and all of us have inherited our mom's depression, etc.

I love my mom dearly, I really do. She now recognizes the mistakes she made, and I know she is sincerely remorseful for all of her shortcomings throughout my and my brothers' childhoods. She has apologized to me with genuine tears in her eyes many times over the past 5 years (we've only just begun to get along), and I forgive her. I'm well past blaming my parents for what has become of me.

However, and I mean for this to be said gently (not aggressively or angrily): her reasons, much like the ones you have expressed, were selfish; and she brought 4 babies into this world who all grew up to be adults with severe psychological problems.

I know you and my mom are not the same people. ❤ I only wanted to share my story because it greatly relates to your post.
I wish you all the best, and I'm so sorry you feel so lonely. If you ever want to talk, you can pm me. I often feel incredibly lonely myself.

 

[Kattt]

Well, those answers sound promising! Good luck, whatever you decide. (Because unfortunately so much depends on luck)



I would imagine so. But the pay usually sucks. And even it didn't, there's levels of competence. It'd be nice if there were parent apprenticeships

There are parenting classes available all over.

My mom told me that she grew up feeling very lonely (and unloved) as well. She said she wanted to have children so there would finally exist people who would love her unconditionally.

So here I am. I'm the only girl of my 4 siblings, and I'm the second oldest at 38. Every single one of us has been victim to sexual assault, 3 out of the 4 of us has experienced lifelong substance abuse, and all of us have inherited our mom's depression, etc.

I love my mom dearly, I really do. She now recognizes the mistakes she made, and I know she is sincerely remorseful for all of her shortcomings throughout my and my brothers' childhoods. She has apologized to me with genuine tears in her eyes many times over the past 5 years (we've only just begun to get along), and I forgive her. I'm well past blaming my parents for what has become of me.

However, and I mean for this to be said gently (not aggressively or angrily): her reasons, much like the ones you have expressed, were selfish; and she brought 4 babies into this world who all grew up to be adults with severe psychological problems.

I know you and my mom are not the same people. ❤ I only wanted to share my story because it greatly relates to your post.
I wish you all the best, and I'm so sorry you feel so lonely. If you ever want to talk, you can pm me. I often feel incredibly lonely myself.

True. People are often surprised because I have no desire for my kids to waste their valuable time pandering to me. The only things that I want for them is to find happiness and to know they will be ok when I'm no longer here. They're not my personal nursemaids. They are individuals, with their own minds that make choices without someone else's biases and preconceptions poisoning them. All I can do is be there for them if they need me.

 

[wait.what]

My biggest concern for you is actually that you're alone right now, and appear to expect to stay alone for the foreseeable future. The suggestion above about apprenticing yourself to parents of youngish kids is sound, but before anyone responsible will let you near their children they'd need to know you.

Are you part of your local recovery community, by any chance? Most places that consists solely of AA and maybe an NA meeting or two a week. NGL, I hate 12 step groups with a passion, but I do love people in long-term recovery who still show up and hold their hands out to newcomers. They like to say that 12 step group folks will love you until you can love yourself, and that's frequently true. Such people might ease your loneliness. A lot of them lost their families due to their addictions too. If you show up regularly, prove your reliability by taking on a service position in a home group (I've made a lot of coffee over the years, myself), then some of the single parents might be thrilled to have you babysit sometimes. The realities of single parenthood are harsh. Help is always needed.

One of my sisters was a horrible candidate for motherhood, but found herself accidentally pregnant at 19. Everyone told her, DON'T KEEP THE BABY. She kept the baby.

He turns 26 tomorrow. He's a great young man.

Sis grew into a very good mother, but she had the benefit of a big family that liked kids. Or was willing to be responsible for them, anyway. Her 2nd husband came along when kiddo was still small too, so that helped. She could NOT have done it alone.

Maybe recovery groups are not your thing. Even I look at AA as the treatment-world equivalent of Amway. But find community somewhere. IRL community that's not a suicide forum. I can think kind thoughts toward you from way over here, but I can't exactly hold your hand during labor, you know?

Edit: for the record, my parents were eminently qualified on paper. Ticked all the boxes. I really do think my mom had us because she wanted children, not buddies. By and large she accepted the kids she actually had, and was able let go of the fantasy of the kids she'd hoped for. Not all parents can do that, especially if one of their kids is me. :p It was still an utter disaster. Multiple genetic problems, chronic illnesses of mom AND kids, mood disorders, terrible addictions, infidelity, neglect. I got hit with some pretty horrifying abuse, although wee sibs seem to have been somewhat shielded. We technically had a community, but people kept secrets, so they were useless.

You never know.

 

[EndlessX]

I don't want to be harsh or push anyone over edge, but ethically it's unacceptable to me. I am generally in favor of human extinction, but I do support decisions to have kids, if those decisions bear the kids welfare in mind.
This thing… I hope it's trolling. Kids are another human beings who may get as miserable as the OP someday. Sorry but you don't get kids as emotional support pets. I hope you will find support from someone who can consent to being a support.

I agree actually

 

[Dominicka]

Dont you dare. Thats exactly how you continue the cycle and another soul will have to experience this miserable, agonizing existence, full of suffering.

Or being too arrogant to think, despite your trauma/s, emotional baggage, youll be better than your parents. Youll do better than them. Its a huge gamble, more often than not it goes wrong.

Theres enough selfish, miserable, lonely "parents" making kids just because.
Im sorry this is the hand youve been dealt, but please please please dont join them. I beg you.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[LastFlowers]

I had two IVF kids. The feeling of all consuming and unconditional love you can only know holding your newborn, is a beautiful gift. But mumming is the hardest job in the world. 24/7 for the rest of your days.
They were both over 10lb at birth (perhaps due to gestational diabetes). My heart gave out delivering the second. But they made it and so did I.
I have a lifelong auto immune condition too. Neither of them seem to have any serious auto immune shit yet. You never know when that stuff will show its ugly face though. So far, so good.
If you got clean and can stay clean through the bullshit, you can achieve anything. Reach for the sky my friend.

I don't think that's the only way you can experience "all consuming & unconditional love" and a lot of of parent/child relationships turn out highly conditional.
I also don't see being a mom as "the hardest job in the world", but every parent will of course make that claim, usually in a way that belittles other people's struggles.
(I know plenty of mothers who would never want to trade places with me, for one thing..they'd off themselves immediately from the weight of it.)
But sure, if you want to be a good parent, and depending on the degree to which your child either withers or thrives in this world, you may or may not have to sacrifice most things in life.
A sacrifice begets sacrifice.
It should be expected.


Having children should not be seen as a goal or reached for as an achievement either.
But as of now, that's how it's presented in society.
Social media competing made it worse.

 

[Kattt]

I don't think that's the only way you can experience "all consuming & unconditional love" and a lot of of parent/child relationships turn out highly conditional.
I also don't see being a mom as "the hardest job in the world", but every parent will of course make that claim, usually in a way that belittles other people's struggles.
(I know plenty of mothers who would never want to trade places with me, for one thing..they'd off themselves immediately from the weight of it.)
But sure, if you want to be a good parent, and depending on the degree to which your child either withers or thrives in this world, you may or may not have to sacrifice most things in life.
A sacrifice begets sacrifice.
It should be expected.


Having children should not be seen as a goal or reached for as an achievement either.
But as of now, that's how it's presented in society.
Social media competing made it worse.

If they want it, who are we to tell them they don't deserve to have goals?
Unless you've experienced giving birth, it's impossible to understand the emotions involved. It's crazy homes. I say it's the hardest, because what other job gives you 0 hours off for at least 18 years?
I don't want to question anyone's ideologies or values. It's not my place.
I coped with the things life threw at me in a way that worked for me but unlike many people, I have no need to undermine others for the maintenance of my fragile self esteem.
Good luck in your goals..

 

[Forever Sleep]

Would you consider adopting a child or even getting a pet? I do completely understand the need to feel companionship and to feel loved and needed.

I do honestly struggle with the idea of people bringing children into this world- but that's mainly because I hate the fact that I was born to begin with. I wouldn't want my child to feel like I have. Still- I know other people make a success of it. Life just feels too risky for me though- to bring a life here without its own consent. Still- I wish you well- whatever you decide.

 

[whywere]

A very interesting question to say the least. 1st off, I am NOT being nosey or snotty, but one has to look at what type of genetic condition you have. If it is like type 1 diabetes or something that brings a vast determent to one's life, then maybe. BUT, at least to me, and yes, I have had 2 attempts, life is beautiful overall. There always have and always will be ups, downs, good, bad, sunny days and rainy days, but in the overall scheme of things there is also, pizza, ice cream, putting one's toes in the sand and on and on.

I largest aspect of your thread is the fact that you: 1) got clean 2) went to college, to better yourself and to boot with honors and also the disowned aspect. Now on the disowned aspect, that is me to a T. I have mentioned it on here too many times already, nutshell never wanted and kicked out at 18, never heard from my "parents" again, 100% their choice.

Now one is dealing with human nature which is tricky at its best. With that said, you mentioned that you got into a physical altercation with your mom and now she is dead. Then it come to the point of your family and how they view and more importantly remember you. They always say that time heals everything, and I am not so sure on that. Your family might come around after they see even more progress AND maybe the past is too painful for them to except the fact that you are a 100% different person than when they remember you more clearly.

To be very honest, not being a downer, but being very truthful with you, they might not ever be able to see and more importantly understand the new you. I am a very optimistically type of a person and I say that with more time and you showing not only 100% improvement BUT a long-term viability of it they will come around.

My heart breaks for you as far as the lonely aspect goes as I feel, including me, that loneliness is one of the bigger complaints of most humans. I am in total agreement with you as far as it stinks, BUT, unlike me, I am 66 years old, you are starting out on a wonderous life, and graduating college and getting your 1st position after graduating will be exciting. Then you will have colleagues to network with.

Message me if you would like to talk and I will do my best to get back to you as quickly as possible.

You are NEVER EVER alone, as if it is ok with you, I feel like you are family to/for me, and I want the very best for you.

Sending you lots of love, caring, well wishes and that you are a fantastic soon to be college grad!

Walter