One Year

[NekoNomNom]

Hey guys. It's almost been one year (May 31st) since I made an attempt with what I thought would be a failsafe method (Exit Bag.) It's been weighing heavily on my mind as of late.

Obviously, and unfortunately, I'm still here. I'm very torn down the middle about how I feel about my failure. I think about it every day, and how I was so close to being free. I get upset for allowing myself to get distracted from trying again. I keep telling myself, 'One day. One day. One day.' I have this intuitive feeling that I won't be around much longer, whatever the circumstance is that takes me out; self inflicted, or not.

It's comforting to think about that being a possibility, since I find myself just waiting for the day to end the moment I get home from work.

I've been trying to get better. I really have. However, nothing seems to help. Everything is just a temporary distraction, and even then, those things don't seem to be helping in the long run.

I'm so tired anymore. So tired, in more ways than one. I haven't been able to sleep properly in such a long time, last night being no exception. My soul is tired.

Anyway, I hope all of you have been, and are doing as well as you possibly can. I know that's not very likely here, but I can certainly hope for you guys to feel better than me.

Edit: Forgive me, my memory has gotten worse over the last year :') My attempt date was the end of May.

 

[Dizzy_Dreams]

Hey guys. It's almost been one year (April 30th) since I made an attempt with what I thought would be a failsafe method (Exit Bag.) It's been weighing heavily on my mind as of late.

Obviously, and unfortunately, I'm still here. I'm very torn down the middle about how I feel about my failure. I think about it every day, and how I was so close to being free. I get upset for allowing myself to get distracted from trying again. I keep telling myself, 'One day. One day. One day.' I have this intuitive feeling that I won't be around much longer, whatever the circumstance is that takes me out; self inflicted, or not.

It's comforting to think about that being a possibility, since I find myself just waiting for the day to end the moment I get home from work.

I've been trying to get better. I really have. However, nothing seems to help. Everything is just a temporary distraction, and even then, those things don't seem to be helping in the long run.

I'm so tired anymore. So tired, in more ways than one. I haven't been able to sleep properly in such a long time, last night being no exception. My soul is tired.

Anyway, I hope all of you have been, and are doing as well as you possibly can. I know that's not very likely here, but I can certainly hope for you guys to feel better than me.

Oh wow you're so lucky you don't have any damage from surviving!! Do you think there's an afterlife at all? Did you see anything during your attempt?

 

[NekoNomNom]

Oh wow you're so lucky you don't have any damage from surviving!! Do you think there's an afterlife at all? Did you see anything during your attempt?

I had an unrelenting pressure in my head for a while. It's since gone away, though. All I saw was black before coming to again.

(By the way, I will never again take for granted the love and safety that I feel here when talking about death, suicide, how I'm feeling, etc. I'd forgotten how uncompassionate and accusing the outside is when it comes to those topics.) So thank you to everybody I have ever interacted with here who has treated me with basic human decency and love. Know that I truly appreciate you.

 

[WornOutLife]

It's been almost a year since my failed attempt too.

I know what you're going through. It sucks so much.
In my case, I'm bipolar and my new meds are helping me to have more UPS than DOWNS so, I'm somehow dealing with life but, there are days on which I just wanna ctb, like last Sunday! I thought I was really gonna go for it!!!

Anyway, wish you the best and hope things get better somehow.

Hugs!

 

[ClownMe]

Im heartbroken for you and your situation.

Sorry if this is inappropriate, but could you elaborate as to why the exit bag method failed for you? Im curious because this is the method i plan to use in the future (once my dog passes away). My worst fear is it failing because im planning to spend a whole week blowing through basically all my funds doing things i really want to do before ctb, my worst fear is it failing and then me being stuck with no money at all to fund future attempts or to be pay bills etc etc.

Thanks, if you dont want to answer i completely understand.

 

[NekoNomNom]

Im heartbroken for you and your situation.

Sorry if this is inappropriate, but could you elaborate as to why the exit bag method failed for you? Im curious because this is the method i plan to use in the future (once my dog passes away). My worst fear is it failing because im planning to spend a whole week blowing through basically all my funds doing things i really want to do before ctb, my worst fear is it failing and then me being stuck with no money at all to fund future attempts or to be pay bills etc etc.

Thanks, if you dont want to answer i completely understand.

Hello there. Thank you very much for your kind words.

I honestly have no idea why it failed. I did everything correctly, and I was out completely for around 15 seconds~ or so. Then all of a sudden I sat up and tore the bag off of my head. I was semi conscious for that, as my vision was still completely black, but I could feel my body moving on its own. It was the strangest sensation. I couldn't tell you why it happened.

 

[ClownMe]

Hello there. Thank you very much for your kind words.

I honestly have no idea why it failed. I did everything correctly, and I was out completely for around 15 seconds~ or so. Then all of a sudden I sat up and tore the bag off of my head. I was semi conscious for that, as my vision was still completely black, but I could feel my body moving on its own. It was the strangest sensation. I couldn't tell you why it happened.

I read in another thread a while back that your survival instinct can kick in when you fall into unconsciousness (got no idea about the science behind it or if it happens to everyone), but maybe that happened to you? I've been thinking of using a mask instead of a bag for thing reason because im (assuming) it would be harder to rip off.

 

[lofticries]

You think this method would be better with drugs of some sort? Like benzos or xanax?

Sorry to hear about your experience nekonomnom. Although I'm glad no permanent physical damage was done to you.

 

[NekoNomNom]

You think this method would be better with drugs of some sort? Like benzos or xanax?

Sorry to hear about your experience nekonomnom. Although I'm glad no permanent physical damage was done to you.

Hello, thank you very much for your kind words.

I actually took some muscle relaxers before I made my attempt. Every attempt I've made since I was 12 has (obviously) failed. I swear, there's just something that's keeping me here, but I've yet to discover what it is.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I understand what you are going through. If you need to talk or just vent I will listen without judgment. It is terrible to be torn between wanting to try and keep going and just not having the will to.