Venting One year

[AJC]

On my birthday last year, I held a shot gun that I sawwed the barrel off of (fuck you ATF) in my mouth and sat in my car trying to pull the trigger. A double 00 buckshot intended to demolish my cerebellum and brain stem loaded. I paused and told myself I'd give it 1 more year and see if anything could change my mind. Well it's a little less than 2 months till my birthday and honestly, I've just doubled down on my position. Another wasted 10 months of my life. At this point, I'll definitely be pulling that trigger this time. I've seen enough, suffered enough. I'm only 27 and have been depressed since 9 (honestly probably younger than that, 9 is just when I knew for certain). That's ⅔ of my life spent absolutely miserable, I've never known anything else. So I'm checking out. I could do it early but just to humor myself, I decided I'll wait it out until my birthday. I even booked myself a vacation in my favorite city on my birthday just to say that I exhausted all my options so I know when I shoot myself, I didn't rush it. Honestly the idea of dying has been bringing me peace. Peace knowing this suffering has an end, even if it's a horrid one. Honestly idk what it would even take to change my mind at this point. It's possible nothing would. Either way, all I can say is that I'm happy it'll all be over soon. I know it's bitter sweet because in reality you suffer up until the end, you never actually get to experience the release that comes with death but at least I won't spend decades more enduring this same agony