One year

[CutePrincess]

I was talking with my mother about my intention of ctb. She was trying to convince me that therapy could help me which is bullshit. She also told me she couldn't handle if I killed myself now. She told me she need to experience doing everything she can to help me propably she would blame herself that she didn't do enough before. We kinda come to the agreement that I will try for a year and if I don't get better then it's okay for me to cbt but I told her later a few times that I don't know if I will be able to live that holding on even for a week may be too much for me. She really believes that I will get better and I wonder if she's not manipulating me like if it's not pointless to wait a year to kill myself because it won't really change how she handle it. She told me how she sacrificed for me and that I could sacrifice for a year for her but I feel like it should be my decision and it's not okay to expect me to suffer. I think it would be the best if I could explain to her that it's not her fault that I intent to cbt. I don't need her help I need her to let me go. I assume if I try to explain to her that she's not responsible and prepare her I'm doing enough I don't owe to her enduring life for another year but what do you think?

 

[whywere]

Well, the way that I look at this situation is this: ctb is one and done and it is NOT going anywhere ever.

Waiting and making another person not have a guilty feeling life if one would ctb right now, is worth it to me and hopefully others also in the same situation.

If after like a year or whatever time frame, then one can revisit the situation, BUT for now, I would make another person feel good and hold off. Again, nothing is going anywhere and there is never ever any do over in the ctb aspect.

Having had 2 attempts and looking back now, both were VERY knee jerk reactions and even though I am by myself, I am glad to still be here, as I am able to be on this site with so many other warm and kind folks.

Walter

 

[CutePrincess]

Well, the way that I look at this situation is this: ctb is one and done and it is NOT going anywhere ever.

Waiting and making another person not have a guilty feeling life if one would ctb right now, is worth it to me and hopefully others also in the same situation.

If after like a year or whatever time frame, then one can revisit the situation, BUT for now, I would make another person feel good and hold off. Again, nothing is going anywhere and there is never ever any do over in the ctb aspect.

Having had 2 attempts and looking back now, both were VERY knee jerk reactions and even though I am by myself, I am glad to still be here, as I am able to be on this site with so many other warm and kind folks.

Walter

The issue is I feel like I reach the limit. Like I expirienced too much to handle. I had some kind of psychosis and when my delusions stoped I knew my life is over and I have to ctb. I was still nowhere, with no income, with mental illness when I believed everything is starting to becoming great. I left mental hospital but I'm still unwell. I can't sleep it's like 1am in my country.. I feel so desperate for dieing right now. I'm afraid I could order sn and use it straight away without other stuff and not only traumatising my mother more then if I did it in the hotel, she could even take it too if she figure out it's the poison being overwhelmed by my death.

 

[58Alice85]

If you somehow do this after a year she will just come up with another excuse how you should keep on living
just do whatever you want

 

[Shadow_]

Look. I have 2 points to make. Each one will have varying validity to your situation, if any.

1. I believe in the power of commitments and one's word. I'll come back to this because I really want to get to point 2.

2. Adults are responsible for the happiness of THEMSELVES. We all can try to positively impact others, but regardless of our intentions, they may not be realized. YOU have to do do what is right for YOU. You cannot only live for others, as your life will feel empty and meaningless. Others will agree, but they may not agree that you should end it.

Back to my first point, I think you should fulfill concrete agreements to the best of your abilities. If nothing else, they give your life a sense of purpose. Don't make them if you are unwilling, unable, or just just do not care to make them.

But at the end of the day. You gotta do what is best for you.

 

[CutePrincess]

If you somehow do this after a year she will just come up with another excuse how you should keep on living
just do whatever you want

Yeah, I feel like this year of enduring life could be for nothing because she would just tell me it wasn't enough time or something like that instead of letting me go. I think she expect that I will stop being suicadal after a year. On the other hand she's like super nice and doing a lot. Maybe she needs some space for that, not like a year but some time. But it seems delusional because she was supportive before and it's like she assumed therapy will fix it but I had therapy before. I don't know if her feelings are rooted in reality. Maybe telling her about my plans to prepare her and scheduling a message that she was a good mother and it's not her fault would be enough.