One person holding you back

[Idontmatter]

Does anyone have a person in their life that they know will be devastated if you are gone and it causes you guilt. My guilt with leaving my husband is the only thing keeping me alive right now. How do you get through the guilt? I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. The suicidal thoughts have invaded my head so much now and so that's all I seem to think about. I don't know how I should feel anymore or if I should feel anything at all. The self hatred I have for myself is strong. I don't deserve to even be here. I'm at work today trying to work and I'm thinking in my head when and where I want to ctb. I hate it.

 

[Cryptonite]

It's striking how different personalities can be. I would personally feel no guilt, especially knowing that others are responsible for my condition. They did this to me, why should I care about them at all?

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

My father, my mom died .

I have severe depression and social problems and suffer from ptsd after seeing my mom die.

my dad pay all my bills and buys me whatever i want to eat and any snack i want and he pays for my internet and games.

Im 34 btw and yes i know its pathethic.

but i know he would be heart broken.

 

[Idontmatter]

Well my situation is just my mental illness, no one person caused my issues. My husband has tried to help me. Nothing though works and I've given up.

My father, my mom died .

I have severe depression and social problems and suffer from ptsd after seeing my mom die.

my dad pay all my bills and buys me whatever i want to eat and any snack i want and he pays for my internet and games.

Im 34 btw and yes i know its pathethic.

but i know he would be heart broken.

It's not pathetic. I don't like criticizing other people's situations. You are lucky to have your dad there. I'm lucky to have my husband but I'm at the end of my rope and I'm ready to escape.

 

[Wizard999666]

Yes, my parents... They were constantly arguing and neglected me during my childhood, but our relationship has improved. Thinking about my shitty childhood makes me feel less guilt about dying.

 

[wellherewego]

Yes i have several people that it kills me to know what it will do to them but i despise myself so much idk how to keep going

 

[Releasefrompressure]

My wife. She doesn't want me to die. But I do not want to leave her in poverty selling our house to fund treatment. I am in love with her and leaving her messed up and feeling emotional like she has to make us homeless is me shirking responsibility. It is my obligation to die now because of situation . Tough but ya

 

[MatthewV3]

My mom, my brother and my dog.

 

[western_heart]

my GF

it's not fear so much as she is actively keeping me alive (by making sure I eat)
I have SN right here and if I go long enough without eating, I get tempted to use it.

 

[Foresight]

I'm staying for my husband mostly as well.

I'm just real with him. I'm upfront. I feel I owe that to him. My suicide will not catch him off guard. That's all I can offer if I end up ctb.

 

[Shu]

Mom dad brother
All I think about is suicide everyday though. I know I'm going to go through with it just sucks because of the pain stress and grief its going to cause them. Hopefully my good friend who passed aways mom will comfort my mom through it.

 

[CannotAnymore]

Does anyone have a person in their life that they know will be devastated if you are gone and it causes you guilt. My guilt with leaving my husband is the only thing keeping me alive right now. How do you get through the guilt? I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. The suicidal thoughts have invaded my head so much now and so that's all I seem to think about. I don't know how I should feel anymore or if I should feel anything at all. The self hatred I have for myself is strong. I don't deserve to even be here. I'm at work today trying to work and I'm thinking in my head when and where I want to ctb. I hate it.

I could have written this myself. My partner of 9 years, he would be the one to find me and have to deal with the fallout and I don't want to traumatize him. He knows about my wishes and he can't even help me or he goes to jail.

 

[Trjan]

Exactly that. The guilt scares me more than the fear of death itself. It makes me feel more like a monster knowing that my intentions to CTB could cause such sadness to people who I love. It's heartbreaking. I wish I could get guarantee that everyone would be okay but I can't and it terrifies me.

I spend so much time trying to write out exactly how I'm feeling and why I did it so I can provide the closure to my family but I just know it won't be enough.

 

[outrider567]

Just my step-mother and my cousin, both reside far away--But their shock at my CTB is not enough for me to cancel it, not by a long shot

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

My dear cat, I can't leave her.

 

[MementoMori81]

My family and friends. I have a great bunch of mates, a great family, and I suppose to look at, on paper, people may question why I'd even want to head for the exit. But there's so much more to my mindset than the people I have around me. I haven't seen my kids properly for a couple of years, I lost an important relationship last year which, whilst not the sole driving factor for wishing for self deliverance, definitely gave me an extra shove, I suffer with PTSD due to service in the armed forces, a deep sense of nihilism, the feeling that life is somehow ultimately meaningless and so on.

That all said, I feel bad about those I'll be leaving behind. I've discussed my plans with them, my family and the closest of my friends that is. I sometimes think they misunderstand the reason I do so, however. I feel that they think I'm discussing it to seek their advice, when in actual fact I'm looking for permission.

 

[BlackCatTalk]

I got my fiance but, it's clear that isn't about the others... Time ago I though like you but not anymore, I'm just thinking what I need, for one O need to be selfish, if I stay then life can be a horrible for them, I'm going to get more bitter and horrible than I'm actually so... I'm not going so stay, to leave it's in someway a love act too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. It must be such a difficult situation to be in, I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. I have family members that I would be leaving behind, but I could personally never suffer for the sake of others.

I guess the way that I see it, we all have the right to exit this world, it is a personal decision when to leave, and grief and loss are a part of life, we will all die eventually and lose everything someday. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[loststar]

Mum, i know shes the sort of person to blame herself even though shes done absolutly nothing to with me reaching the decision thst i want to ctb

 

[Unheiress_unleashed]

Yeah, my best friend. We've been through so much together, leaning on each other for a decade now. We've made so many plans that backing out and ctb without them makes me feel terrible.

I don't care about my parents, they're half the reason I turned out such a mess. I feel bad for my partner, but he deserves someone better than me. I don't think he realizes how much better he can do, and while my death would probably hurt him, it would save him pain in the long term. I'm not close to much of my extended family, so few worries there. And obviously, no one could ever explain to my pet why I went away, and that makes me feel guilty, but she needs a better owner anyway, frankly.

But my best friend. Someone would be responsible for telling them that I ctb and that would destroy them. Like, all the plans we've made, promises we've kept for each other, the fact that we both just check up on each other and that keeps the other one alive. They've said they look up to me and I just can't make that decision that would do that to them. So I sit here and browse the form with no real concrete plan, mostly just hating myself for not doing it before I met them.

 

[salome]

My son. I know I could be so much better for him but that he loves me so much. I can't be responsible for a little boy living his life wondering why his mom didn't love him enough to stick around.

 

[Idontmatter]

Mom dad brother
All I think about is suicide everyday though. I know I'm going to go through with it just sucks because of the pain stress and grief its going to cause them. Hopefully my good friend who passed aways mom will comfort my mom through it.

The suicidal thoughts are horrible. I have them every day and every minute of the day

 

[JinnDX]

My mommy

 

[Al Cappella]

No one, well it might affect my ex. Both parents have passed on long since, not in contact with brother or sister. No real friends to speak of.

And yes, the daily thoughts are completely shitty. I have them even when nothing is really happening. It's completely exhausting!

 

[Idontmatter]

I could have written this myself. My partner of 9 years, he would be the one to find me and have to deal with the fallout and I don't want to traumatize him. He knows about my wishes and he can't even help me or he goes to jail.

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years, married 8 years. He already said he would freak the fuck out if something happened to me. I don't want him to be the one to find me. I hate this so much. I'm going to ctb still, I just have to get a hotel room and spend time with my husband while I'm here. We had a big vacation planned in a couple of years for our 20th anniversary. He can do so much better than me. I'm just weighing him down. I just want to be out of his way. He deserves better.
The people that successfully ctbd over the weekend on here had me really thinking so that's why I brought up that question. I need to do it soon. I would like to do it during summer. My husband can do so much better than me. I'm ugly, constantly tired, and always quiet. He needs someone who is a better person than me. The constant suicidal thoughts are driving me crazy. I just want it all to be over.

 

[NoFuneral]

Can't say for sure, I feel like my dad would get over it after some time, he is a very strong person, same with my sibling. My mom would most likely be devastated. My friends would be fine after a day or two. Overall it wouldn't make much of a impact.

 

[Trjan]

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years, married 8 years. He already said he would freak the fuck out if something happened to me. I don't want him to be the one to find me. I hate this so much. I'm going to ctb still, I just have to get a hotel room and spend time with my husband while I'm here. We had a big vacation planned in a couple of years for our 20th anniversary. He can do so much better than me. I'm just weighing him down. I just want to be out of his way. He deserves better.
The people that successfully ctbd over the weekend on here had me really thinking so that's why I brought up that question. I need to do it soon. I would like to do it during summer. My husband can do so much better than me. I'm ugly, constantly tired, and always quiet. He needs someone who is a better person than me. The constant suicidal thoughts are driving me crazy. I just want it all to be over.

He definitely won't think that way about you. You are worth it.

 

[Idontmatter]

He definitely won't think that way about you. You are worth it.

I wish i thought the same. He can do much better than me. I don't want to be in the way of his success. He can find a guy that treats him better, the way he deserves to be treated.

 

[CAATibbs]

My daughter. She needs a father. That's the only reason I'm here. It's so hard.

 

[PaperGodzilla]

Yes, I got a friend who is holding me back. I can't picture how she would feel if i left this world, she is just too nice and doesn't deserve to feel this way