One person holding you back

[CannotAnymore]

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years, married 8 years. He already said he would freak the fuck out if something happened to me. I don't want him to be the one to find me. I hate this so much. I'm going to ctb still, I just have to get a hotel room and spend time with my husband while I'm here. We had a big vacation planned in a couple of years for our 20th anniversary. He can do so much better than me. I'm just weighing him down. I just want to be out of his way. He deserves better.
The people that successfully ctbd over the weekend on here had me really thinking so that's why I brought up that question. I need to do it soon. I would like to do it during summer. My husband can do so much better than me. I'm ugly, constantly tired, and always quiet. He needs someone who is a better person than me. The constant suicidal thoughts are driving me crazy. I just want it all to be over.

I hope that isn't the reason you want to do this. Your husband loves you. You should look up Alicia McCarvell on tik tok. She gained alot of weight and thought her husband was gonna leave her but he just wants her to be happy. There are many reasons to want to do this but that's not one of them. He wants to be with you, that's something you can fix together.

 

[its-about-time]

Got the one person holding me back and it pisses me right off that she cares about me so much still. It makes ZERO sense that she's still around. It'd be done by now if she wasn't an influence. Fucker.

 

[WanderingWater]

The opposite...hands on my back pushing me forward.

 

[ornitier199]

None. Both with ctb and not.

 

[dissociatedmess]

My little sister (she's fifteen) and my boyfriend.
I don't know how they would manage to recover.

My relationship is new, but my little sister is the absolute biggest reason I haven't been able to leave.
It would devastate her, and at such a young age too.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My Dad. My Mum died when I was 3 and he has said that there were times when he wanted to join her but he kept going for me. Feel like I have to do the same for him. I know he would be devastated if I did it. Most of my inner circle of family have gone now and some of my closest friends have been suicidal or even attempted it themselves, so I hope they would understand.

Not sure I'll ever have the guts to actually do it. Even to acquire the stuff... Kind of thought when my Dad does go, that might be the push I need. Even wondered whether I could bring it on naturally- a broken heart or something- grief. My Dad is my world. It's going to be devastating to loose him.

I'm so sad for you. It's so clear that you really love your husband and don't want to hurt him. I can understand your frustration and despair wrestling with these awful thoughts.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

No one has a hold on me

I'm thankful more and more everyday I never wanted or had a serious relationship or something like an accidental pregnancy that would bind me to this life

 

[Idontmatter]

My Dad. My Mum died when I was 3 and he has said that there were times when he wanted to join her but he kept going for me. Feel like I have to do the same for him. I know he would be devastated if I did it. Most of my inner circle of family have gone now and some of my closest friends have been suicidal or even attempted it themselves, so I hope they would understand.

Not sure I'll ever have the guts to actually do it. Even to acquire the stuff... Kind of thought when my Dad does go, that might be the push I need. Even wondered whether I could bring it on naturally- a broken heart or something- grief. My Dad is my world. It's going to be devastating to loose him.

I'm so sad for you. It's so clear that you really love your husband and don't want to hurt him. I can understand your frustration and despair wrestling with these awful thoughts.

I want to live, I'm just exhausted trying to fight depression. Every time I think I'm getting better I go backwards. I'm going to try and test my sn tomorrow.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You sound such a lovely person. You obviously care deeply about people. I'm not going to tell you not to do it- I believe we all have the right to choose. It's obvious you are exhausted with the struggle against depression but that there is still a part of you that wants to live? Can I ask if you are receiving any help with your depression?

 

[Idontmatter]

You sound such a lovely person. You obviously care deeply about people. I'm not going to tell you not to do it- I believe we all have the right to choose. It's obvious you are exhausted with the struggle against depression but that there is still a part of you that wants to live? Can I ask if you are receiving any help with your depression?

I have been. I've tried every treatment that I can afford. There are other options but it's to expensive. Trust me I don't want to die, I just feel it's my only option left.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have been. I've tried every treatment that I can afford. There are other options but it's to expensive. Trust me I don't want to die, I just feel it's my only option left.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a really difficult situation... It sounds like your partner does have an inkling of how severe your depression is but do they know you are actually contemplating suicide now? If it's a case that you don't actually want to die, I feel like maybe you need to exhaust every other option- death is so final. It seems awful if it might be a financial reason leading you to this.

 

[freedompass]

I've got 2 really, my mum and my son. I owe both of them to be available if needed, I suppose. If I'm honest my life is probably not sufficiently bad to enable me to conquer SI. So I would not necessarily say they hold me back as such. Mum's passing will hit me hard, that's guaranteed, I just hope and pray it won't be too difficult for her. If my son then shuns me well there's effectively no more family. Guess I'll get to discover a whole new level of rock bottom at that point.

 

[Cryptonite]

The doctor who misdiagnosed me holds me back. Still have to have a small chat with him, on Monday. May or may not include unsolicited violence. Then I'll be ready to go.

 

[freedompass]

The doctor who misdiagnosed me holds me back. Still have to have a small chat with him, on Monday. May or may not include unsolicited violence. Then I'll be ready to go.

Please don't, he's not worth going to jail over

 

[Cryptonite]

Please don't, he's not worth going to jail over

Under all circumstances, I will make sure he will never forget my visit
Then I'll sue him, give the money to charity and CTB myself

 

[Sakura94]

Parents.
Sometimes I have nightmares of what it's like when I'm gone for them.
They are old and I have prevented them from being scammed by low lives so many times.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a really difficult situation... It sounds like your partner does have an inkling of how severe your depression is but do they know you are actually contemplating suicide now? If it's a case that you don't actually want to die, I feel like maybe you need to exhaust every other option- death is so final. It seems awful if it might be a financial reason leading you to this.

He knows I've been suicidal before which put me in a mental facility before. I haven't told him about this latest relapse. With my self hatred I feel he shouldn't have to worry about me. I don't want to be a burden on him since he works 2 jobs. I'm just a mess. I'm exhausted and sore all over. I just want relief. Im embarrassed and ashamed. I don't feel like doctors have any empathy so I hate going. Im going Friday but I doubt it's going to help

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry to see how much pain you are obviously in. I doubt that he sees you as a burden. I completely understand what you mean about doctors. I hate anything medical myself. Still, I hope you can be absolutely honest with the Doctor and see what they suggest. Maybe they can find a way to help. It's clear that you are in a very dark place and need help getting out of it.

Still- I'm really only speaking from a place of naivity. I haven't made much use of the 'help' out there. I don't mean to sound all pro-life- I'm obviously not- being on here. I just get the sense that maybe there are still options to try with you if death itself isn't the prefered one? I wish you all the very best.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm so sorry to see how much pain you are obviously in. I doubt that he sees you as a burden. I completely understand what you mean about doctors. I hate anything medical myself. Still, I hope you can be absolutely honest with the Doctor and see what they suggest. Maybe they can find a way to help. It's clear that you are in a very dark place and need help getting out of it.

Still- I'm really only speaking from a place of naivity. I haven't made much use of the 'help' out there. I don't mean to sound all pro-life- I'm obviously not- being on here. I just get the sense that maybe there are still options to try with you if death itself isn't the prefered one? I wish you all the very best.

Thank you. Maybe I'll get lucky before July

 

[nixdeath]

I have one friend who I think would never get over my death. Its getting harder and harder to resist though.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Probably my family, but eventually the pain of this continuing existence is going to completely overwhelm my worries over that. A matter of "when", not "if".

 

[OceanBlue]

Literally one person I haven't managed to distance myself from. I imagine them having to say that I commited su|c|de for the rest of their life and that just sounds so tragic. I'm trying to rationalise it, but it's always back at this.

 

[Rogue]

My bf, he is the only person that loves me. He has no idea that I want to ctb. My family could care less if I live or die. Fuck them btw. My bf is the only reason I haven't ctb yet....