Venting One of those nights

[birdie7]

It's one of those nights I want to climb out of my skin. Or maybe retreat inward, so small that my body feels like an endless palace I can stumble around forever. I suppose I already do that.

Distractions are amazing. But today nothing is good. I have to carefully parse through my music to find something I can actually listen to.

Nights like these as a child I'd go quiet, or grow frustrated, or relapse. But today I'm just sitting with it. I always come back to dying as a way out. It feels more aligned with my needs than any other solution so far.

I don't know why it's so hard for some people to comprehend. I guess it's easy when you haven't felt enough pain. I think death can be merciful. I'd like some of that mercy one day. This is no way to live, always afraid, always sorry, always crucified, never doing anything to ease it. Small things feel big, I am insignificantly small and I feel big. I walk down the street on fire, burning with shame, and no one bats an eye. I don't care either.

If there is a God, I've got a few things to say to him.

 

[birdie7]

One after another, every problem in my life will slowly chip at me. I will never learn, I will never stop giving my circumstances the rights to take my life.

I've got two job interview lined up for me today, and I don't care if I get the job. I hope a car hits me on the way there. But no one will, because nothing ever actually happens. I will die a million times only to find I'm still here, doing what? Lord knows.

It's a matter of holding my spine up and wasting time, counting down, always counting, counting sins and failures and kilos and dollars and slip-ups and attempts (non-attempts) and victories that feel more like inadequately executed obligations than success.

Oh, whatever. It gets old whining about the same thing all year round. Butler said it best, "the countless hours between now and the end."

One day, everyone on this forum will pass. A new set of humans will replace us. I'm on my way out. I've got to remember it. Remember it in those hard times. Just meet the finish line.

 

[Natanael]

I can understand how these problems are getting to you

It really is tough, but if you're still here and planning to go to job interviews, what is it that ultimately keeps you here? I'd like to hear about it