One of the worst scenarios seems to become real it is not unlikely I am going to kill myself very soon

[noname223]

Yes this is a scenario I often thought about and I am still very shocked it happened. I am kind of calm because I know if this really happens there is no way around it. And I mean very soon. I am still very shocked and it seems so unreal to me. Like if I was in a nightmare but there seems to be noone who can wake me up.

Okay my mom probably had a stroke and is now in an hospital. My granddad died 1 day after his stroke some years ago. There are many reasons why this accelerates my suicide this much. I am utterly dependent on the help of my mom. She helps me a lot. I am a mental wreck and I have so many big problems in the real world. Also because of the abuse during my childhood. There is really no way around when she dies. I am very serious. There are so many aspects. Honestly the more I think about it the more sure am I that I will do it. My feelings vary between being utterly shocked and the calmness which I read about when a person knows he or she will commit suicide soon. This all sounds kind of dramatic but it is also true. There are so many thought racing through my head at the moment. Anxiety about my last days, thoughts about news of my mom from the hospital. Took a whole benzo some minutes ago.

Her boyfriend texted me it some minutes ago about it. First I explained it to my three best friends also about the soon suicide thing. There are many different scenarios which could now happen. I am still in an argument with the boyfriend of my mom. So my family can blame me once again for a death of a loved one. Like the time my granddad died and everybody blamed me. But if they plan her funueal they can plan mine too. I don't want to attend that. Though there are also other reasons why I want to do it quickly after her death.

I am also financially fully dependent on her. I have some money still but no stable income. The important thing is I still want to do it in my current apartment. So I want to commit suicide soon firstly to avoid the funeral and to avoid leaving my apartment. I hope I can prolong that for some time. How much time does it usually take to plan the funeral? I had this nightmare scenario already a lot in my mind. With almost everythig what I am writing here.

I am extremely dependent on her not only financially. Maybe I should take a hiatus from college. On the other hand it could distract me. My apartment costs a lot without her income I had to leave it soon. Maybe I can lie to the rest of my family and insist on not wanting to move as long as the shock maintains. They are very stupid but even they know probably that I get acute suicidal when my mom dies. How can I avoid that my dad wants to visit me everyday if she dies.? Not sure. I will lie about my suicidality to them for sure.

My method is SN and I think I know how I could get my hands on it. Not sure how long it takes to deliver it to me. In case it gets lost I even could try Amitriptyline cocktail I have enough of them here. But I am reluctant of that. It tastes poisonous and disgusting even when I only take one pill. I cannot imagine being able not to throw up despite the recommended capsules. My friends say I shall wait with ordering the SN maybe she survives. But she could also become a nursing case. I am not sure whether I should go on living in that case. I mean I think for me it might be the better choice to end my life here. Without the support of my mom my whole shacky life collapses.

When she dies this is one of the worst scenarios that I had in mind when I worried about the future. I always thought rationally the future will probably be nightmarish. I did not have much hope for the future anyway. I rather suspected I would soon get a psychosis and kill myself then. But also this current scenario means suicide for me. I always had the thought in my mind when my parents die so will I. Maybe I am overthinking this too much she is not dead yet. But with my bad luck I could imagine it very vividly.

Yesterday I was at a party with my friends. It was a great time but I experienced a certain melancholia. I had the feeling something very bad will happen in the near future. I think I posted that 1-2 days ago in this forum. Though I rather thought it will be college related. I was kind of scared this will be the last time I see/meet them in my life. Moreover I was sad that one of my best friensds could not be there due to that.

It still feels so surreal for me. I hope can get at least a little bit of sleep tonight. I will take emergency medication for sure. This forum always seemed to be a life insurance in some way. So many nighmarish things happened in the past. And I was so extremely anxious about the future. Seemingly my nightmares become true. I also think my mom does not really have an healthy lifestyle. The same applies to my dad. So I took the fear they will die early very seriously.

I am still very shocked. I know a potential stroke does not mean death automatically. But I am very much reminded of the death of my granddad who died this way. This family is utterly fucked bu tmaybe I am dead in some days or weeky anyway. It was always great to share my sorrows and anxiety with this forum. It helped a lot to cope with my suicidality. In case she dies and I will committ suicide I probably won't make a goodbye thread. I always were not fully glad with them. But I won't ctb the next 2-3 days probably. I will keep you updated.

 

[actual_fox]

Keep us updated, Tell us when she recovers, hopefully. Your grandfather was older than your mother, and older people are more fragile. If he died It does not mean that your mom has the same chances. I would say she has better chances of surviving.

But If the worst comes: Is she insured? Does she has inheritance money? What is in her will? You would have to take a break from college and write to college professors about your presence and reason for It's lack (I speak from experience, I also had to excuse myself due to many different reasons, sometimes fake). I would write a simple email form and send It to each of them. Thinking about It is probably very taxing and will stress you so I understand that ctbing is your go to response- I mean who would want to deal with that shit If you are already feel overwhelmed by life. But If you are in college then I would ask you If finishing It would improve your life? Would you be able to get better income? Would things change for you?

This is rude but true: Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living so If It bothers you don't have to attend to any funeral. There is no such thing as funeral inventation and If your family acts like a bunch of dickheads then there is no reason to deal with them.

Ps. I don't know your situation that much, so I cannot tell If you are situationally depressed or stuck in some terrible depression loop that lasts long.

 

[noname223]

I talked to some of my family members and they are already playing the blame game. They are morons and will blame me. They already do it. But honestly I don't care. I should not care. If she dies I will be dead soon. And there is like almost noone who could change that.

The situation is already extremely fucked. Believe I am not only in an acute crisis. I always was extremely scared about poverty and I am quite sure I cannot work. I only can pay for college due to the financial help of my parents. She has no life insurance. I am not sure whether I got money in case she dies from the state. She almost has zero money I believe. But I am not sure whether there exists help for disabled people with dead parents. I think I once heard about it. They told me it is ridiculouse low amount of money.

My family disgusts me to blame it on me. Though maybe I am a little bit paranoid. Something like that can trigger a manioa or psychosis. This is the last thing I need now. I took emergency medication. If she dies I take a hiatus and prepare my death instead. I don't want having to feel this insane pain when I die.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are going through a lot, it must be tiring. Life does just seem to be endless problems, but I do think that it is true that many people feel calm when they believe that they will soon be free from this life, as everything will end for them. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[noname223]

I have talked to her with our phones. But I think this also happened to my granddad. Everyone thought yeah it is not that bad and then he died the next day. I tried to say some words which would be good last words. I told her I love her and she should now focus on her own problems.

I don't know the thought of a soon death of mine could comfort me a lot. (not her death obivously) But I have some doubts in case she survives as a nursing case maybe a suicide (attempt) of her son could be pretty detrimental. I mean the shock could kill her.

Honestly there are so much more problems which now get way worse. Suicide was a relief for me. The anxiety is at the moment hard to describe. I already was very pessimistic about the future. The chance of an happy end was very tiny. But now it is very close to 0. I am scared that if I relapse and (try to) ctb that she dies because of the shock.

 

[makethepainstop]

Yes this is a scenario I often thought about and I am still very shocked it happened. I am kind of calm because I know if this really happens there is no way around it. And I mean very soon. I am still very shocked and it seems so unreal to me. Like if I was in a nightmare but there seems to be noone who can wake me up.

Okay my mom probably had a stroke and is now in an hospital. My granddad died 1 day after his stroke some years ago. There are many reasons why this accelerates my suicide this much. I am utterly dependent on the help of my mom. She helps me a lot. I am a mental wreck and I have so many big problems in the real world. Also because of the abuse during my childhood. There is really no way around when she dies. I am very serious. There are so many aspects. Honestly the more I think about it the more sure am I that I will do it. My feelings vary between being utterly shocked and the calmness which I read about when a person knows he or she will commit suicide soon. This all sounds kind of dramatic but it is also true. There are so many thought racing through my head at the moment. Anxiety about my last days, thoughts about news of my mom from the hospital. Took a whole benzo some minutes ago.

Her boyfriend texted me it some minutes ago about it. First I explained it to my three best friends also about the soon suicide thing. There are many different scenarios which could now happen. I am still in an argument with the boyfriend of my mom. So my family can blame me once again for a death of a loved one. Like the time my granddad died and everybody blamed me. But if they plan her funueal they can plan mine too. I don't want to attend that. Though there are also other reasons why I want to do it quickly after her death.

I am also financially fully dependent on her. I have some money still but no stable income. The important thing is I still want to do it in my current apartment. So I want to commit suicide soon firstly to avoid the funeral and to avoid leaving my apartment. I hope I can prolong that for some time. How much time does it usually take to plan the funeral? I had this nightmare scenario already a lot in my mind. With almost everythig what I am writing here.

I am extremely dependent on her not only financially. Maybe I should take a hiatus from college. On the other hand it could distract me. My apartment costs a lot without her income I had to leave it soon. Maybe I can lie to the rest of my family and insist on not wanting to move as long as the shock maintains. They are very stupid but even they know probably that I get acute suicidal when my mom dies. How can I avoid that my dad wants to visit me everyday if she dies.? Not sure. I will lie about my suicidality to them for sure.

My method is SN and I think I know how I could get my hands on it. Not sure how long it takes to deliver it to me. In case it gets lost I even could try Amitriptyline cocktail I have enough of them here. But I am reluctant of that. It tastes poisonous and disgusting even when I only take one pill. I cannot imagine being able not to throw up despite the recommended capsules. My friends say I shall wait with ordering the SN maybe she survives. But she could also become a nursing case. I am not sure whether I should go on living in that case. I mean I think for me it might be the better choice to end my life here. Without the support of my mom my whole shacky life collapses.

When she dies this is one of the worst scenarios that I had in mind when I worried about the future. I always thought rationally the future will probably be nightmarish. I did not have much hope for the future anyway. I rather suspected I would soon get a psychosis and kill myself then. But also this current scenario means suicide for me. I always had the thought in my mind when my parents die so will I. Maybe I am overthinking this too much she is not dead yet. But with my bad luck I could imagine it very vividly.

Yesterday I was at a party with my friends. It was a great time but I experienced a certain melancholia. I had the feeling something very bad will happen in the near future. I think I posted that 1-2 days ago in this forum. Though I rather thought it will be college related. I was kind of scared this will be the last time I see/meet them in my life. Moreover I was sad that one of my best friensds could not be there due to that.

It still feels so surreal for me. I hope can get at least a little bit of sleep tonight. I will take emergency medication for sure. This forum always seemed to be a life insurance in some way. So many nighmarish things happened in the past. And I was so extremely anxious about the future. Seemingly my nightmares become true. I also think my mom does not really have an healthy lifestyle. The same applies to my dad. So I took the fear they will die early very seriously.

I am still very shocked. I know a potential stroke does not mean death automatically. But I am very much reminded of the death of my granddad who died this way. This family is utterly fucked bu tmaybe I am dead in some days or weeky anyway. It was always great to share my sorrows and anxiety with this forum. It helped a lot to cope with my suicidality. In case she dies and I will committ suicide I probably won't make a goodbye thread. I always were not fully glad with them. But I won't ctb the next 2-3 days probably. I will keep you updated.

I have had both a stroke and years later several heart attacks.....I'm still here. Your giving yourself worst case options, there are other possibilities as well. Hugs to you and all here.

 

[noname223]

Even if she does not die the problem we have get worse and worse. My sister and me probably cannot work. I comforted me by saying at least my parents can work for some years. I have so extreme anxiety about our financials.

Moreover I am even more anxious now when I think about getting a relapse. After the death of my granddad I had a relapse it triggered a mania. When I have a relapse I am planning to kill myself. But what if my mom dies afterwards due to a shock. Or even worse I survive and she dies anyway.
After my breakdowns I am very acute suicidal I cannot protect the people in my environment. I tried it kind of but the extreme pain lasts several months.


This all reminds me of a thread of mine. When you have big problems which you cannot solve the shit accumulates. And sometimes they accumulate so much that one feels forced to commit suicide.

Damn I just looked up the death rate of people with a stroke. After one year 17% are dead. And after 5 years only 55% are still alive. This does not calm me down.

I always thought I will kill myself when my mom is dead. I am utterly useless in this world. I cannot survive on my own. So the likelihood that I am dead in 5 years is like 55%. Probably higher due to the risk of getting a relapse.

I am so fucking anxious to kill her with the stress when I am acute suicidal.

From the financial perspective it would also have been way better for us when her husband died first. We would inherit a lot of money from him. When she dies before him nothing rather debts.

 

[Andry387]

у моей бабушки случился инсульт. Она прожила после него еще 12 лет.

 

[noname223]

у моей бабушки случился инсульт. Она прожила после него еще 12 лет.

Thanks for trying to give me hope. I am a very anxious person because the past was so tormenting. Horrible things happened I even did not know such a pain really exists. Thank you all for supporting me.
I panic a lot. And the death of my mom would mean suicide for me. I am quite sure about that.

 

[whatevs]

I hope your mother recovers fully so you have some more margin to try things.

From your posts I've seen a few positives in your life like 'real life friends' but I fully understand how it is to feel like you're hanging from a thread only because functional family members are holding it.

 

[makethepainstop]

Thanks for trying to give me hope. I am a very anxious person because the past was so tormenting. Horrible things happened I even did not know such a pain really exists. Thank you all for supporting me.
I panic a lot. And the death of my mom would mean suicide for me. I am quite sure about that.

Trying to predict future scenarios is very difficult, just ask the CIA, and the KGB. Facts and figures don't lie, but they cannot totally predict future events.

Thanks for trying to give me hope. I am a very anxious person because the past was so tormenting. Horrible things happened I even did not know such a pain really exists. Thank you all for supporting me.
I panic a lot. And the death of my mom would mean suicide for me. I am quite sure about that.

Trying to predict future scenarios is very difficult, just ask the CIA, and the KGB. Facts and figures don't lie, but they cannot totally predict future events.

 

[noname223]

I hope your mother recovers fully so you have some more margin to try things.

From your posts I've seen a few positives in your life like 'real life friends' but I fully understand how it is to feel like you're hanging from a thread only because functional family members are holding it.

Yes financially we would be utterly fucked. My friends don't have much money, my dad neither. I have some savvings but no really stable income. In case she dies I want to do it before I have to leave this apartment. If I lived not alone doing it would be way more difficutlt.

 

[noname223]

She is doing okay if one considers the circumstances.
I am extremely exhausted. This took an extrem amount of energy which make a relapse more likely.
Took a whole benzo ans z-medication. Without it I might would have had a breakdown. I don't feel like I would have slept a single hours. Despite the fact my emergency medication gave me 9 hours deep sleep which were very important.

Due to the vulnerability of my mom I am even more anxious about getting a relapse. There is a high degree of expressed emotions in my family. This can be very counterproductive for me as well as for her. After my relapses I become severely depressed, have extreme psychosomatic pain and I am acute suicidal. I plan to kill myself after the next relapse. But now I am scared my suicide or at least the attempt could kill her. I am in a dilemma.

I thought a lot about the followling currently. Maybe I should recommend my mom to have a life insurance for herself. My family is already extrememly fucked (financially) an early death of my mom would be unbelievable horrible. I would ctb quite afterwards. I told my dad the idea of a life insurance for her. I will make another thread about it here.

Thanks for reading