One last chance?

[KMS74381996]

I wanted to do something different yesterday just to see if my life was worth living. I talked to my therapist about my thoughts. I told her I hadn't eat anything in 8 days and that I was thinking about stopping fluids as well. In my mind maybe there was a reason why I should hang on just a little longer. Something that could maybe "save me." She got me to the point where I was able to talk to my mom who I live with about the current issues I was having. I felt better. I felt supported. We went to the hospital and I was able to talk to an on call therapist. I felt better. Relieved almost. But all that was needed was a safety plan that tells me to eat and to use my skills to cope. I thought for a minute I could do it. But I am here because I can't cope. I'm here because I wake up everyday with the same shit on my kind as the day before. The same thoughts, the same frustrations, and the same life. Nothing I am going to do will fix me. Nothing anyone does will fix me. I am disgusting. I feel disgusting. So now I wake up 12 hrs later with the same mindset. I'm going to stop fluids now as well. According to my safety plan I should call the therapist, but in all honesty is that what they really want? They have to pretend to care. That's their jobs. In reality I am just one life out of so many. One life that isn't important. One life that doesn't matter. Hopefully the next 3 days will sail by quickly.

 

[Kokobushi_bae26]

If you do a simple google search you will find out it takes much longer than 3 days to die of dehydration. Just letting you know

Also, I'm really sorry you've been feeling so hopeless. I'm right there with you :(

 

[SinisterKid]

Thats the whole point of therapy, you talk, you feel a little better. Its not a complete fix but it can help. To say that nothing can fix you out there is to deny the chance of even trying. You have already stated that by talking, you felt somewhat "better". To continue talking might make you feel a little better each time. Why not give it a try? Even just talking here can make things seem not quite so bad.

Starving yourself is not a nice way to die. So far, I have not read one post that says otherwise. Please reconsider that option. I am not sure where in the world you are, but I was reading some time ago that in the UK, the law is such as you can refuse liquids but not food, so if you end up in hospital, they can force feed you via tube, legally or something along those lines.

 

[KMS74381996]

Thats the whole point of therapy, you talk, you feel a little better. Its not a complete fix but it can help. To say that nothing can fix you out there is to deny the chance of even trying. You have already stated that by talking, you felt somewhat "better". To continue talking might make you feel a little better each time. Why not give it a try? Even just talking here can make things seem not quite so bad.

Starving yourself is not a nice way to die. So far, I have not read one post that says otherwise. Please reconsider that option. I am not sure where in the world you are, but I was reading some time ago that in the UK, the law is such as you can refuse liquids but not food, so if you end up in hospital, they can force feed you via tube, legally or something along those lines.

I do see where your coming from. I just think that there are things that can make us feel better in the moment but not long term. I've been in therapy for 10 years now. I've talked and talked and talked until I had no more to say. I do avoid a lot of issues but I talk and I'm still dealing with this. I'm taking my medicine and I'm still dealing with this. I'm keeping my appointments and I'm still dealing with this. I talk to my doctors and I'm still dealing with this. I know not everything is instantaneously but eventually enough is enough. Why make any effort into living. I don't have anymore effort to give. So yeah I could continue to talk and feel better in the moment but when the sun goes down and I'm all alone the thoughts are still right there where I left them.

 

[SinisterKid]

The title is One last Chance, which indicates a willingness to maybe give living on more shot You mention feeling a little better talking about some of your issues and that you felt some support from talking about some things. Thats how support "networks" work, you get different support from different places for different things. But you cant expect to wake up tomorrow and feel on top of the world.

I had no idea the time lengths you mention and I am sorry that you did not make reference to it either. I agree 100% its a long time and if you truly feel that its been long enough and your options are now so limited that you can only really ctb, that is your choice to make. I just got the impression that was not the case here and I apologise if I misunderstood.

 

[KMS74381996]

The title is One last Chance, which indicates a willingness to maybe give living on more shot You mention feeling a little better talking about some of your issues and that you felt some support from talking about some things. Thats how support "networks" work, you get different support from different places for different things. But you cant expect to wake up tomorrow and feel on top of the world.

I had no idea the time lengths you mention and I am sorry that you did not make reference to it either. I agree 100% its a long time and if you truly feel that its been long enough and your options are now so limited that you can only really ctb, that is your choice to make. I just got the impression that was not the case here and I apologise if I misunderstood.

Your fine. I just feel hopeless

 

[SinisterKid]

Been there, read the book, got the tee shirt. I am 1 yr ahead of you, my crap all began 11 yrs ago and it has been desperately hard sometimes to keep going. I seriously attempted 3 yrs ago and have never been the same since. This place has helped somewhat, at least I can be open here which is what I have been looking for. So if talking helped and you felt some support through it, is it worth persevering with it?

 

[Egddios]

Stopping eating is one thing, but stopping intake of fluids is another level. I used to be really into fasting, the longest fast I ever did was for 6 weeks no food at all, just fluids. At the 6 week mark I remember starting to feel shaky physically but mentally I was almost euphoric. Once you get past the first 10 or so days without eating (still drinking fluids though), the body adapts. Odd as it may sound, fasting would make me feel unstoppable.

That said, I also have a long history of disordered eating, and am used to going without food for extended periods of time. I have thought of stopping food intake and fluid intake as a way to end my life, as many people have done in the past, thinking specifically of people who have politically protested by hunger strike. Going without water, basically dying by dehydration, I imagine would be bitterly tough. Not impossible, of course, but very difficult. I would hope you have some kind of medication that would induce sleep, as it would help get through the days of dehydration and allow you to pass somewhat peacefully.

 

[KMS74381996]

I guess but I just talked to them last night. I contracted for safety. I'm off their hands. I feel like they don't want me to call back

 

[Punished]

I can't speak for your therapist or safety team, but they probably helped you put this plan together because they care. Yes, it is their job, but it's most likely a profession they chose because they want to help people, many people. Try not to feel like "just one of many," I'm sure they have put plans together for many others and what to see you safe. I know what it is like to feel like a burden to a support team, but in my case a lot of that was my own lack of self esteem being projected on to people who really wanted to help me.

 

[Meena]

The miracle won't happen in one night. U should be patient and u will see things will get better.
Accept the help of the others. It is a precious one. A lot of people don't even have it