Venting One last chance to change

[scordatura]

So.... I've been given a chance.

One last chance to not fuck shit up for myself, and one last chance to change.

I've been given more chances than I likely deserve. Folk are too nice to me, which is a weird complaint but, I feel I don't deserve it, although I am thankful.

I don't mind if I'm suffering as long as I learn keep it to myself or at least learn to express it healthily. I don't want to go through life bringing folk down with me. Especially for the people who are taking those chances on me. I need to live up to it. I need to try harder than before.

My change won't be emotional, I'm not going to change that way, I don't think I can. But I need to change my behaviour. I need to change how I'm affecting those around me.

I need to learn to shut my mouth and not express so much negativity when going about regular life, people can't handle that.

I don't want to neglect the things I experience, done that before and, in the long run, it doesn't help. I need new ways to get it out of my head. Ways that aren't so damaging.

I am literally begging myself. Cause that's the thing... Do I trust myself? But I am, seriously begging myself. to just. fucking. stop. I am intensely compulsive. Stop. Please stop what you are doing. You'll only make it easier on yourself.

I can't take anymore regrets. I have enough already to re-live one day on my way out. I don't need anymore.

Please. I am begging you.

 

[U. A.]

Wishing you luck.