Mortalist
Member
- Apr 19, 2023
- 57
Today my mother confronted me about my health insurance situation.
I'm a citizen of Germany, and will turn 23 next month. With that, I will loose my health insurance. If I want to continue, I will have to pay for it myself, which is not an issue for me. I have enough money at the moment to keep me covered if I wanted. I just don't want to.
Everything is set in stone. I applied for a job, and have advantages that might improve my chances in getting it, but also the opposite applies here. I don't want to get into detail regarding that. But, should I get hired, my insurance will be handled, and I will try to live on. If I don't get hired, with everything that came before, then there is a real chance that I will draw my last breath in May.
Where does my mother come into this? Well, basically anyone of these random times these days she thinks she needs to tell me "do this, and do this". And I get why. But I can't talk back. Trauma from my childhood includes the reality that she is aggressive and dominant, and the verbal abasement I had to endure day after day as an helpless child did not grant me the ability to stand up for myself in that way.
So, at this moment I don't have legal documents (they expired and I "have" to renew then), and I will loose my insurance. I also failed at getting a job in the past. So I am a financial burden to my household, and only that. And this is the only real time she has anything to say to me. Like honestly, if you had actual caring parents, then despite how many unwanted conversations you had with them, you know they love you and are just worried sometimes. That would be part of a healthy child-parent relationship. That's not what I have with my mother.
I get the privilege of her grace by my present (absolute sarcasm) only a few times. The only time in my life, I remember she came to my room as an actual mother, was when I was 17. It was the time I had suffered from severe depression and was at risk of suicide, and she found out eventually. It was this all time classic we all heard about: "OMG, I did not know, I had no idea. Oh I feel so horrible", bla bla bla. It still was hypocritic, as she never cared for me like that ever since.
Back to today.
This event has made me realize something. A chain of events is in place. One I knew existed, but never saw so clear and in full consciousness before today.
I have a plan for both the positive and negative outcome of events. But I felt closer to the end then ever before. As my job situation is unclear, my CTB is the only certainty of my life right now.
I might actually die next month. And to be honest with you, having death as the only meaningful thing in life; whereas life should be lived in happiness until I am past 80... It just makes me sad.
One of to dominos will fall. Each of both carrying the fate of my life. I hope for the best, but prepared for the worst. Si vis pacem, para belum.
I'm a citizen of Germany, and will turn 23 next month. With that, I will loose my health insurance. If I want to continue, I will have to pay for it myself, which is not an issue for me. I have enough money at the moment to keep me covered if I wanted. I just don't want to.
Everything is set in stone. I applied for a job, and have advantages that might improve my chances in getting it, but also the opposite applies here. I don't want to get into detail regarding that. But, should I get hired, my insurance will be handled, and I will try to live on. If I don't get hired, with everything that came before, then there is a real chance that I will draw my last breath in May.
Where does my mother come into this? Well, basically anyone of these random times these days she thinks she needs to tell me "do this, and do this". And I get why. But I can't talk back. Trauma from my childhood includes the reality that she is aggressive and dominant, and the verbal abasement I had to endure day after day as an helpless child did not grant me the ability to stand up for myself in that way.
So, at this moment I don't have legal documents (they expired and I "have" to renew then), and I will loose my insurance. I also failed at getting a job in the past. So I am a financial burden to my household, and only that. And this is the only real time she has anything to say to me. Like honestly, if you had actual caring parents, then despite how many unwanted conversations you had with them, you know they love you and are just worried sometimes. That would be part of a healthy child-parent relationship. That's not what I have with my mother.
I get the privilege of her grace by my present (absolute sarcasm) only a few times. The only time in my life, I remember she came to my room as an actual mother, was when I was 17. It was the time I had suffered from severe depression and was at risk of suicide, and she found out eventually. It was this all time classic we all heard about: "OMG, I did not know, I had no idea. Oh I feel so horrible", bla bla bla. It still was hypocritic, as she never cared for me like that ever since.
Back to today.
This event has made me realize something. A chain of events is in place. One I knew existed, but never saw so clear and in full consciousness before today.
I have a plan for both the positive and negative outcome of events. But I felt closer to the end then ever before. As my job situation is unclear, my CTB is the only certainty of my life right now.
I might actually die next month. And to be honest with you, having death as the only meaningful thing in life; whereas life should be lived in happiness until I am past 80... It just makes me sad.
One of to dominos will fall. Each of both carrying the fate of my life. I hope for the best, but prepared for the worst. Si vis pacem, para belum.
